Conflicted
This is probably going to come off as really silly and like I'm over-thinking things. But, I don't care, I'm posting it anyway. And yes, I do know that I over-think things. It's what I'm good at.
So, anyone who has read my past blogs knows that SD has never really accepted me as part of her dad's life. She has been horrendous towards me, but, she has also had moments where she's awesome towards me. Sadly, those have become fewer and fewer over time, but, I'll live. She's not my kid, and, even if she was, my happiness does not hedge on SD's acceptance.
Well, recently, I've been subscribing to a lot of different magazines so I can have more interesting fare to read when I go to doctors appointments (waiting room magazines usually suck). And when my new issue of Smithsonian came in the mail today, I saw an ad in the back for a teen writing magazine; a magazine written by and for teens that publishes the work of the readers. I immediately thought of SD. She writes and usually writes fairly well when she's invested in the piece and it isn't just a school assignment that she's being forced to write. When I saw this ad, I couldn't help but think that this would be something awesome to get for her. It'd give her something to do outside of hating everything and playing video games, and, it could give her a tangible outlet for her writing outside of whatever website she has found for posting her stories; she could actually have her writing printed and published.
I can't help but think how exciting it would be for her to submit her writing to the magazine and get it published. But, I can't do this. At least, not right now, this very moment. I don't have SD's new address, SO does. So, if I decide to do this, I'd have to wait for him to wake up and then risk him questioning my motives for wanting to do something nice for his daughter. No, it would not be to say "hey, look, we're awesome, move out here", rather, to let her know that we support her passions.
And, I don't even know if I should do this. Would SD even care if she got this magazine? Would she secretly love it but keep her attitude of "everything sucks"? Would she just shrug it off because it came from me? Should it say that it's from both of us, or, would she then just assume SO did it and that I tacked my name onto it to be annoying? Should I even spend any money on SD? I mean, she's been pretty damn lousy towards me, so, it's not like she deserves a "just because" gift from me. And we did just get her a bday/xmas gift that we couldn't afford because SO just HAAAAAAAAD to get her a new used Xbox. Should I just say "forget it" because she has been pretty lousy towards SO since Xmas passed?
She hasn't spoken to SO since the week of Xmas save for a hurried conversation over text where she told him that she was just too busy to talk then and would call him later. She never did. He texts her regularly but gets nothing back from her. It breaks my heart to see him extending himself over and over again and getting nothing in return from her. He just wants to know how she is, how she's adjusting to her new house and new school, he wants to know that she's OK. But, she won't even give him that.
Then, I can't help but think, would GUBM let her actually have the magazine? GUBM is home more than SD and she might intercept the mail and get rid of it because she's that spiteful and vindictive. She doesn't really encourage SD to engage in her passions unless they directly involve her or unless she can take credit for them. She likes to hold things over her head. She takes SD with her to friends' houses so that SD can have access to the internet so she can post her stories online. But, when they fight over whatever SD doesn't like about GUBM, GUBM throws that into SD's face "How dare you tell me I'm awful, I let you come with me to my friends' houses so you can write your silly stories!" Because she can't just accept that one thing she did might just suck and doesn't negate the good things she does; but, she sure as hell thinks that the good things she does do negate all the bad things she does. So, why should I let the bad from SD negate the good, even though the good is not nearly as frequent as the bad?
There are many reasons why I can justify not doing this for her, but, there are also many reasons why I can justify doing it for her. She's not an awesome kid towards me, she hasn't been an awesome kid towards SO, but, she deserves to have her passions nurtured and to be provided with ways to grow her passions. Every kid deserves that. So, why do I just see all the bad ways that this could blow up in my face? I mean, it's just a freakin' magazine subscription for a kid who needs to know that it's OK to continue doing what she loves.
- attempting_to_maintain_composure's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
That's largely what's
That's largely what's happened with all of the gifts I've ever given SD, save for the last two years (I know for a fact that she spends every chance she gets when she is not in school glued to the Xbox we got her this year and she uses her bedroom every time she visits - year prior we painted and decorated it for her). But, everything else has never been used but once the day she gets it and then it goes who knows where.
I think perhaps sending it without her knowing it's me sending it might be A-OK, though. That way neither SD nor GUBM can act like turds towards me because of the magazine. I just hope it sends anonymously.
OMG! You overthink things
OMG! You overthink things either as much as I do! And you are better at typing it all out! lol... i honestly was more preocupied with this thought that the actual situation at hand.. but i say if it was your first instinct then yea, suggest it to her. It was a pure thought out of pure intentions. Even if she doesnt give a shit(or acts like she doesnt) if you give your suggestion with no expectations then no harm done. just dont expect anything back.
I often volunteer. You cant expect anything back there. I know its not the same at all but if you think of it like a volunteer act for the good of the world then it will help you not care if she doesnt receive it well.
Honestly, the first thought
Honestly, the first thought that popped into my head was "Holy crap, a teen writing magazine for teens that they can submit writing to??? SD would LOVE this! Let me check out the website!" *clicktypeclicktype* "Oh, wow, it's not expensive at all. I could totally foot the year-long subscription for her, and, if she likes it, I bet I could renew it for her come next January. And, holy crap, they have a website where she could upload her stories, and, she could even get published in books???" (I know it sounds hokey, but, it's a totally legit magazine and the books are books you see in regular book stores, not those kinds of books where everyone who submits a writing piece gets published IF they purchase a book).
So, yea, pure thoughts and intentions of how much SD would love to have a new outlet for her writing craft. But, then the other thoughts started creeping in; the monsters as I call them. "SD will not be grateful for this, she'll hate it if you send it to her because YOU sent it to her" "GUBM will hide the magazine from her, she won't let her have it, especially if she knows YOU sent it" "SD hasn't really been all that nice to you or SO lately, so, why would you reward such snotty behavior?"
But, I decided to do it after thinking on it all day. I sent it to her as a gift subscription so that the billing info will come to our apartment and the magazines will go to SD with (hopefully) no mention of my name. That way, SD gets a magazine for the next year that she'll either enjoy or not enjoy and she won't be expected to do anything in return for it; no thanking me or anything. I told SO that I don't expect any gratitude or anything from her over it, hence why I sent it anonymously. I didn't do it for that reason. I did it because SD needs encouragement to engage in her passions without some adult standing over her and taking all the accolades for making it possible.
I would have gotten it for
I would have gotten it for her. What is the magazine called? I want to get it for SS. LOL If you put her name and address for the mailing address and your name and address for the billing it should only have her name and address on the magazine label.
I got it for her last night
I got it for her last night after SO gave me her new address. I just filled in the basic info that was needed for subscription so my name will be left off of anything that goes to her house.
It's called Teen Ink and you can check it out at teenink.com. It sounds pretty spectacularly awesome and I'm hoping she enjoys it at least half as much as I thinks she will ^_^
I definitely think it was a
I definitely think it was a good thing to do for her, especially anonymously with no strings attached.
Honestly, GUBM sees the fact
Honestly, GUBM sees the fact that I breathe the same air as SD when she visits SO as me overstepping my bounds. She's just that crazy.
I agree, sending her the magazine and letting her know it's from me is not at all what should be done, and isn't what I did.
I sent it to her anonymously because I didn't want her to feel indebted towards me nor did I want GUBM to pull the "AtMC is overstepping her bounds" card. But, I sent it to her because, when I was her age, I engaged in writing as much as she does and it always bit me in the ass when it came to my mom. My mom would never see my writing for what it was and always had a problem with it either by reading too much into what I was writing or by telling me I was wasting my time (I'm going to soon have two academic publications under my belt, and, I've received numerous writing awards since I decided to seriously pursue my undergrad degree in 2008, who was wasting their time? Certainly not me).
It is one of the few things she's let me in on in her life without prodding from myself or SO. SO does have a tendency to brag about my accomplishments, so, I imagine that, if anything, SD has been listening when he mentions my writing abilities within her earshot, or, she at least has taken notice of the awards by my desk. I'm not sure. I've never said "SD, I'm a great writer, you should let me help you with your writing" because that's obnoxious and I've never been one to really thrust myself on her. When she visits, she shares her writing with me and asks for feedback on her pieces. Heck, the last time she visited, as soon as we got home from the airport, she pulled out her notebook and sat next to me on the couch and asked me if I would read what she was currently working on and give her feedback. She isn't awesome towards me, but, she has her moments.
I wholly agree that doing nice things for SD when she knows I'm doing them ends in regret. Everything that I've done for her when she knows, with the exception of giving SD and SO time alone, has turned out pretty dang awful and I usually wind up sitting there asking SO why I even bother. I've asked SO to not blow my cover with the magazine, that I just want SD to have it and enjoy it without feeling like she owes me any gratitude or without her thinking I'm trying to suck up to her.
Even if she hates the magazine, I don't and won't really care. The intentions of getting it for her are simply so she has a tangible outlet for her writing.