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It's still a year off, but, I always worry about crap like this ahead of time...

attempting_to_maintain_composure's picture

GUBM is always going to be a horrible person. I have no expectations for GUBM to change herself or turn her life around and realize what a troll she has been all these years. I've come to understand that over the last four and a half years, even if sometimes she outdoes herself and the cray gets ridiculous for even GUBM.

I have no doubt, also, that no matter what, GUBM will make things difficult for FDH and SD. She fights him over visitation now, when it's basically just FDH wanting SD to come for a week or two next month - as SD should be able to do- so I just know she's going to give him a hard time this time next year when it comes to our wedding.

We both want SD there - I know SD says she hates me, but, she deserves to know that she's welcome in our house and at our wedding. She accepted FDH's verbal invitation to attend the wedding, and then, accepted her role as a member of his wedding party. FDH and I discussed this before he approached SD, and I think he did a good job of not pressuring her into anything. He told her she was invited to the wedding, and let her know it was totally her choice. Then, after she accepted, he told her that she could either attend simply as a guest or she could participate as a member of his wedding party. She agreed.

We know that it won't be easy. GUBM won't let SD come visit just because so, how the heck can we expect her to let SD come visit to go look for things for her to wear at the wedding, or even for the wedding itself? At least we have FDH's family in NJ, they can help take SD to go get what she needs for the wedding at least. And, as long as GUBM doesn't pull any major crap, they can help make sure that SD can actually get out here in case FDH and I are ridiculously crazed the week before the wedding.

There's obviously no sense in worrying about all of this now, or stressing myself out over it all. There's still nearly a whole year between then and now.

I guess since it's our pre-versary - something a friend of ours came up with as a way for us to celebrate our wedding weekend as much as we can - it makes sense that I've been having bad dreams related to the wedding.

Sure, there are the bad dreams about SD coming and acting like a brat and throwing a massive hissy over the fact that the day isn't all about her (which could very well be a distinct possibility because of GUBM's crap), but, there are worse nightmares. GUBM forbidding SD from partaking in the wedding, or, worse still, refusing to let SD come if SHE can't come herself so FDH gives in and lets that POS come to our wedding just to make sure SD can be there (yea, my brain hates me sometimes because this is literally the worst thing I can think of and I've been met with the notion that, perhaps, family members of mine won't show up to my wedding because of their extremely selfish nature).

All I can say is that I'm glad I have my therapist because if the nightmares have already started, I can only imagine how intense they're going to get the closer we get to wedding day. I'm largely hoping that my brain is just going all worst case scenario and that none of the worst case scenarios will happen, that maybe, just maybe GUBM will act like it's no big deal and let SD do whatever she wants as far as our wedding is concerned (wishful thinking :/). My hope there being that GUBM will try to make it seem like it's dumb and nothing to be all happy or excited about, like going to the movies or something else along those lines, if that makes sense.

Has anyone else on here dealt with a batcrap crazy BM while planning for - and/or during - their wedding? Either having worries and nightmares over the crap she could pull or having her actually pull crap? How about alienated skids? I'm just curious about others' experiences with the skids and more looking for info on how anyone handled the batcrap crazy BMs (I think it's telling that I'm less worried about alienated SD than I am about GUBM in all this).

Comments

attempting_to_maintain_composure's picture

Even without advice, it's nice to know that I'm not alone Smile It's very helpful, actually. Yea, FDH has assured me that he refuses to let GUBM be at the wedding - because of course as soon as we were engaged and I told him how I want SD there and that I think she should be in his wedding party to avoid the awkwardness of her being in mine, I told him that I was afraid of GUBM forcing her way in. He said he absolutely would not let her attend, so, phew. But still, my brain hates me haha.

Justme54's picture

Plan for the worse and hope for the best. I understand FDH and you want SD there. How old is she? I would focus on the wedding as this is FDH and your special day...it is not about SD. I think you are trying too hard. If SD is in the wedding party or as a guest,that is great. If it is going to cause drama, this is going to leave feeling of resentment. I would just focus on her not being there at all. If she does go, that is just a plus. This is just my thoughs. Take what works for you...and leave the rest behind.

attempting_to_maintain_composure's picture

SD is 13 stb 14 and she's a significant person in FDH's life. He never really thought about having kids until GUBM got pregnant and SD has been important to him ever since. Sure, there's been guilty dad Disney parenting, but, that's gone and over with.

But I think you're right. It's best to focus on making OUR day special and not worry about SD being there; if she is, great, if not, we'll deal with it. Heck, at least her being a vegetarian and needing special food isn't going to be an issue if she doesn't come. I have lots of friends who are also vegetarians so there won't even be any anger over that. Probably just sorrow that she won't be there - lets face it, FDH and I will both be at least a little bummed.

3LittleDragonflies's picture

No advice, but a story that might make you laugh.
BM INSISTED on going to DH SM's family reunion a month after SD was born. So, she came along and... everyone was like "WTF are you doing here?" and she pulled the "mother of his child card". So then, during dinner, everyone was sitting in the garage when DH lead me up onto the steps so that everyone could see us (with his SM and SGM's permission) and said we'd like to make an announcement.

"We're engaged!"

BM's face was priceless. She immediately got all angry and said I wasn't allowed to touch SD and that I would never be a mother to her.

In front of DH's SM. Who is closer to him than his BM.

Needless to say, she left that party with quite a bit of egg on her face.

attempting_to_maintain_composure's picture

HAHAHA OMG. Sort of reminds me of GUBM crashing FDH's niece's graduation party. Everyone was cordial with her but you could tell they had no idea why she showed up. There's even a pic of her with FDH's middle niece and sister. Both of his relatives have awful WTF looks on their faces while GUBM has a big ol grin because, well, I guess someone had to be happy she was there.

attempting_to_maintain_composure's picture

Oh, that's all really good advice. Luckily, I have a wedding planner so all arrangements have been made through her, but, I'll be sure to let her know when we start dress shopping this weekend that FDH has a lunatic for an ex who is capable of messing with us - FDH doesn't really think she is, but, hello! this asshat called the cops on him because he politely asked her to get her shit out of our garage six months after she moved out and left it behind. And thankfully, there will be security at the venue already, they have security on hand for all events so I'll just prepare them for the possibility of her crazy ass showing up haha.

Unfortunately, any wedding we have will be bigger and better. She never married FDH - not for lack of him proposing to her. Long story short, he proposed because a) he thought it was what he was supposed to do since they had a kid and all and b) he wanted to see if she would actually follow through on anything. She never planned a wedding, so, they never got married (THANK ALL THAT IS HOLY). We could get married by a justice of the peace and it would be bigger and better.

And, you're absolutely right. Mums the word. SD doesn't really need to know all the details other than what she needs for outfit guidelines and when she'll need to be here for it all. Of course, we told FDH's family where we were getting married the last time we saw them all, but, beyond that, there's no need to share all those details with SD.

attempting_to_maintain_composure's picture

See, that's just it, I kind of want other options because I don't trust that SD is going to actually be there in the end, either by her own or GUBM's doing.

It'd be nice for her to be there, but, it would also be a bit sad if she weren't - and depending on the reason why, that would probably influence how sad I would be about it.

I think I'll definitely have to discuss it more with FDH, probably after November and all that, we'll see how SD's visit goes (if it happens), and maybe that will help guide our conversation a bit more.

attempting_to_maintain_composure's picture

FDH has already made her part of his wedding party, and since we both have small parties (three members each), it will be a role that will be noticeably missed if she flakes or if GUBM forbids her from coming.

For me, right now, I feel it's less about wanting her to like me and more about just showing her that she's allowed to hate me all she wants, but, that I'm not leaving FDH because of one silly idea she has. FDH does enforce the notion of respect when she's around, so, that's a positive at least.

But, I definitely get what you're saying. She's been rotten towards me in normal times, why should I expect her to not be rotten towards me at my own wedding? She has hissy fits during regular old visits when it's not all about her, why would she not have a hissy fit at the wedding?

Definitely all things worth considering.