Trouble in "Paradise"
I am engaged to a man w/ 2 kids (Boy & girl) & I have no kids of my own. In the beginning I tried my hardest to get the kids to like me and we did have a good relationship. I was raised in a strict household when it came to using your manners & eating properly, etc ... as me and my fiancé got more serious I noticed his little girl wasn't good with either of those and I took it upon myself to correct her each time she forgot to use her manners or eat like a slob (I would do this if I had my own children) lately he has told me I am to hard on them and are mean to them, etc. I only do this because it is a big issue to me and I cant stand to be around kids or adults that don't use their manners & it is a reflection on the parents when kids act like that, therefore it makes us look bad. Am I wrong??
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In a perfect, logical world,
In a perfect, logical world, no you are not wrong. In this perfect logical world, your FDH would see that you are correcting to help, not to hurt. In a perfect logical world, he would be the one doing the correcting, so you don't have to.
However, we are in stepworld, which means yes, you are wrong. You, for your sanity, for your relationship, you need to stop. You will come to find that the mantra, not my kids, not my problem, will soon save you. Once he's crossed the line of "You're too hard/mean to my kids" that's all he is ever going to see. If you were her biological mother, he wouldn't have that problem with you correcting them because he would believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, you love her and want the best for her. Unfortunately, because you are not, he has his alarms up wondering if you hate them and that's why you are correcting them.
It's sad, but true. Save yourself some heartache and stop correcting them and let their dad do it.
Solid advice. I tell myself
Solid advice. I tell myself that all the time and sometimes it works. They're not my kids!!
great advice ... BUT my
great advice ... BUT my biggest issue is that they will be apart of my life since I will be marrying him & I cant sit back and just let my skids act this way & when we have our own im on their butts about manners, etc ...
And I wish I could say to just let their dad correct them BUT he doesn't and that irritates me more.
so confused!!
We all get that--they are
We all get that--they are going to be a part of your lives and it's hard because if other people acted in a way you don't like, you can stop interacting and cut off contact with them. You can't for stepkids.
But trust us when we say unless your soon to be husband is on the same page as you, all that's going to happen is that you're going to become the enemy and they're going to dislike you for it, your FDH included. We're telling you this so you can realize that what you are experiencing now is just a small taste of the resentment to come and we don't want you to experience that.
I completely understand - I
I completely understand - I am already getting the resentment. I don't think he will ever be on board - we have 2 completely different ways of parenting and I just cant bring myself to agree with his loose style.
yes, you will soon start to
yes, you will soon start to hear "why do you hate my kids?"
this is not a hill to die on, at least not for me. and to keep fighting this fight will only deepen resentment and defensiveness.
a word of advice- on things that truly do not directly affect you, let it go for now. if something is directed towards you (like a bad sass) by all means defend yourself (i.e- "do not speak to me like that" and walk away.)
is he custodial parent or does he just get them for visitation? that makes a difference too. if he's CP then you will eventually have more of a say. but if he's not, well i'd let it go.
the only way u'd really be able to step into that sort of role is after it's established within the family AND in HIS mind that u are a team, and it's not us against them (at that point the 'youre too mean' and 'you hate my kids' will have long been stopped). sometimes this takes a while... and with some it never happens. took about 4 years with dh and i.
you so read my mind ... I
you so read my mind ... I have tried to talk to him and paint a picture BUT then he gives me the "Disney dad" excuse of "I only get to see my children every other weekend and they have already been through enough. :/
Then I try to give him the examples of nobody wanting to be around them, them not getting invited anywhere, getting into trouble, etc .. and then fighting starts. He then gets extremely defensive and I am now the bad guy who hates his kids and try to run my household "military style" ... I think I come to realize that my views and his are completely different and we will never see eye to eye.
If that's the case, you are
If that's the case, you are going to be unhappy in your marriage, without a doubt.
Either you change or he changes, and if he's not willing to, are you?
My last ditch attempt would be to tell him that he's not doing his job as a parent--that as a parent, if he truly, truly loved his children, he'd want them to be the best they can be in all aspects of their lives, and he's not doing that for them by allowing them to lack manners. If they become unsuccessful or without friends in the future, that's ON HIM and only him.
If he still doesn't care, well, can you live with it if they come live with you full time? That may be a possibility.
I am not willing to change
I am not willing to change and be lenient when it comes to manners and discipline ... I cant stand bratty ass kids especially if they are going to be apart of my life. I have told him he should want to set a good example for his kids and install good manners in them - he just tells me I shouldn't talk about how to raise a child since I don't have any of my own - very depressing
Well shit, you (probably)
Well shit, you (probably) aren't a three michelin star chef either but you know when food tastes good or not and no one with class wants to eat crappy ass food.
Your fiance is a dumbass. Pure and simple.
Your fiance seems to forget
Your fiance seems to forget that you are 50% of this couple, and will have 50% say in your home. You two need to have a serious sit down and discuss what your role will be, what his role will be, chores, house rules, etc. Get this all out there and clear now.
Also know that his current behavior is "Disney Dad". He doesn't want to do anything to make the little precious' unhappy so that they LOOOOVE coming to see Daddy. This is a huge red flag. You guys need to talk about it.
I think we've all been
I think we've all been accused of being mean and we hate the steps. Have you ever read "Stepmonster" by Dr. Wednesday Martin? A very good read!
Anyways, I've been accused myself and I have tried countless times to talk with DH and work on co parenting his children. He would agree and then do the opposite. I found that his actions spoke louder than any words he ever said.
Finally, to save myself I decided to disengage from things that I wanted to disengage from. I no longer do laundry, pack bags to go back to Swamp Holes, cook for them or clean their rooms. I really don't eat with them so now I don't have listen to their obnoxious behavior.
It probably looks to you, then what's the point of having a relationship? I married DH, not his children. I am his wife, not their mother.
DH sometimes complains about why I don't do things with them and I quietly respond, saying I'm much happier now not being the disciplinarian and letting you be their Dad.
If I were in a public place, I would not sit with a strangers child misbehaving, why would I accept anyone else's including his kids?
love is love, you cant choose
love is love, you cant choose who you love your heart kinda does that for you but let me parrot something back to you for you to think about.
you said and I quote:
"we have 2 completely different ways of parenting and I just cant bring myself to agree with his loose style."
you also said:
"since I will be marrying him & I cant sit back and just let my skids act this way & when we have our own im on their butts about manners, etc ..."
Let me tell you what I see in those two sentances:
we have 2 completely different ways of parenting
since I will be marrying him
Think very hard about that group of sentances