Do I care or not Care
I am so confused! I have been a step mom for 10 years. Their bio mother had passed while the children were young. 1 boy, 2 girls. I already had 2 and they were the older of all 5 of the children. I have tried to be the best mom possible to each of them with the different personalities.
I make special preholidays because everyone goes there own way (the step children will go to their moms family for certian holidays) I cater to them while they are sick, go to school functions as much as possible. Do the laundry, cook the dinners ect, ect, ect....Plus still work full time you've got the picture.
my problem is that the second to the youngest who is a female and now 18 and a senior in school.
has told me, she does not consider me her mom and that i was not the mom she wanted. I am not like her friends moms. I was devistated by this!
My husband lets her come and go as she pleases because she gets straight A's. She is nice to me when her dad is present and when he is not she very disrepectful and and mean. I have told my husband and her this and she give the I dont care attitude.
She is the only child to fight with all the siblings step and biological. She is bossy and had no friends while she was in middle school. I suggested she talk to a dr. and she did. After that she started to get invovled with school and have friends.
I just dont know if I should care or not care. When I do things for her it is never good enough.
She has told me I am not invited to her graduation and I am just a lady in this house.
Any advice????
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My childrens father also
My childrens father also passed away when they were, 5,10, and 13,, they are now 13,18 and 21,, he took his own life and it's been a struggle for the whole family,, my boys(the older kids) never accepted my husband,, everyone did what they were suppose to do,but it was still awkward,and very hard at times to try and make a family, after a while I just stopped trying,, my husband tried to be a dad to them but they just wouldn't let him..
Now my daughter, she loves her step dad, he really is about the only father she remembers,, they butt heads but SHE RESPECTS him, something her brothers never did,, and he treats her like his daughter,something HE never did to the boys, as they (the boys)are getting older and becoming adults themselves it is Finally relaxing to have everyone in the same room,, I guess what I'm saying is, kids arn't any differant,, what works for one might not work for the next,, they don't understand when they hurt someones feelings, or sometimes they just don't care,, sometimes every family needs a rebel, I had two....but it's getting calmer
She didnt know her mom but
She didnt know her mom but none the less that is why I thought it would be good to have her go talk to someone.
she is happy with me when I am doing for her, buying for her, giving her all the attentention.
she does try to compete for her dad's attention. It is sad actually at how manipulative she is.
I have told my husband that I would move out then she would be happy. ( only her and her younger sister 16 still live at home. I get along with the youngest wonderfully. Or she could move out.
She did just tell me she was mature and independent. LOL. I told her she was very responsible but not mature or independent.
The tension is unreal and at this point after 10 years of me bending over backward for her I am tired and wore out. I just dont know if I should give up or kiss her back side again.
My husband said it was between us. He babies her and treats her as my equal. I have told him this and he denied it.
Yes I agree with you. She has
Yes I agree with you. She has a fantasy image of her mother. She is still close to her mothers side of the family and they give them all the positives of their mother and compare me to her as well in front of the kids. (so I am told). I just find it funny that the youngest (16) does not act like this.
My husband meant my stepdaughter and myself. For we have had several arguements, my stepdaughter and I, in which I have told her to no longer call me MOM if she really feels I am not her mom. To me that is reserved for a person that loves and cares about at person and respects them inevery way. She said I am just a lady in the house, not even her dads wife.
She expects me to have dinner waiting on her too. And gives attitude when not. I told her I would no longer be cooking for her too. She said she was independent and that I am just a lady in the house,( who does the laundry, cooking, shopping) sounds like her maid almost. So last night I did not fix her dinner. My husband got upset and said that from now on dinner is for everyone. I simply said in front of all of them "fine, I will not be cooking.
I am afraid it would not be like her girlfriends mothers." I know, I know I should not have said this out loud. But it infuriates me to know end that she can say and do mean things to me and I have to take it.
She thinks she is so grown up and independent. Well, if she is so independent, cook your own meal your 18 for crying out loud. Do your own laundry. And buy your own stuff.
Yeah-I would just back off
Yeah-I would just back off and not do anything for her. Just see her as a roommate. She's not a little girl-she is a grown woman and since she chooses to treat you disrespectfully I would not lift one finger for her.
I also think your dh is dink. He is letting her get away with this behavior and I would stop doing a damn thing for him as well. Why do these men think it is ok to allow their kids to disrespect their wives in their own home?
Get a micro recorder and
Get a micro recorder and record her snarky interface with you when DH is not around. Then play it back for him and tell him that if he does not address her disrespectful treatment of you that she is out. She is 18 and you have no legal or moral obligation to support her at all.
I would also sit SD-18 down 1:1 and let her know that you love her, have raised her as your own, will not tolerate her disrespectful snarky crap and that she has an immediate decision to make. Re-synch her attitude and participate as a member of the family and as YOUR daughter or get out ..... no time to think, zero tolerance, agree to pull her head out or leave immediately and if she relapses, she is gone immediately.
Access to and benefit of family resources for anyone 18 and older is dependent upon complete and total compliance with family standards of respect and participation with all members of the family. You may also want to get her BM's family to jerk a knot in her tail in support of you. It sounds that they may be a good ally for you to draft in this effort.
Good luck.
thanks for the advice. But I
thanks for the advice. But I have already told her to move out. My husband said no one is moving out. I even said I would.(it would be a vacation).
however, I have given it somethought after reading everyones advice.
I think this whole situation has brought me in a negative place. Life is to short. So I am going to try to get back to myself and not feel guilty that I did not make her happy. The other kids ( 25 - 16) are all just fine. If any thing they should be upset I do more for the 18 yr old than them.
I have made up my mind that she is a selfish, disrepectful, manipulative, angry, inmature teenager. I can not change any of it without hubbys help which he refuses to see any of this in his own daughter. So the next time she is disresptful to me i will simply look at her and say, " I find your actions to be very disrepectful for a mature woman." and simply walk away.
So be it her tone or actions or what ever is offending me. That is my statement and walk away. It will not be up for debate. I have to much to do and not enough time, so I refuse to waste time on this any more.