If this isn't handled correctly, I fear that my marriage maybe on the line.
I've been married to my husband for 8 years. He's the love of my life. He's an excellent stepfather to my girls(14 and 12). 2 years ago my stepson(15) came to live with us full time after experiencing a lot of abuse at the hands of his stepfather (emotional and sexual). He used to be full of life; now he's a hollow shell. He's not angry or violet. There is no emotion at all. He does not express happiness, sadness, anger. Noting. He's null to all emotions. He doesn't talk much. With me and my daughters, there is minimal interractions. With his dad it's still minimal but more than with the rest of us.
The hardest thing that that we had to do was listen to him testitfy against his stepfather and mother in court. The things that were done to him at the hands of this stepfather were noting but horrific. His mother knew and yet she did noting. Both of them are going to be behind bars for years to come.
The level of passivity he displays is scary. Even his therapist brought up that it's dangerous to be that passive. He's stuck in the victim cycle and doesn't know how to get out. Because of this, he was bullied at school quite a bit. I don't understand why kids are so cruel. We transferred him from one to school to the next but due to him not being able to stand up for himself, he's the perfect target. We had to pull him out of school and started online classes. Fortunately. he's very smart( 96 percent average) but he doesn't care. His self-worth is almost non-existant. He's has his dad's looks (he's a very handsome young man), but he describes himself has disgusting. My husband is very protective of his son(understandably) and doesn't leave his son with people he doesn't know.
Over the Chrismas break, we took a family vaction to Los Angeles. We've never seen my stepson look so happy before. He was somewhat enjoying himself. He was more talkative during the week than he's ever been in the last 2 years. His dad went in to hug him (he's very senstive to touch. it took a year for him to let his dad even put a hand on his shoulder) and he allowed it (HE EVEN HUGGED BACK). . There were this group of teenage girls giggling at him and his dad cracked a a little joke and he cracked a little smile. It's been so long since we've seen him smile that we had forgotten what it looked like. That night my husband cried. When we returned to Pittsburgh, within a few days me morphed back to his 'old' self
During one of his therapy sessions, he was describing the trip. The therapist and his dad have never been my stepson so animated before. Like he was happy. When the therapist asked him about the behavioural change. He broke down. In LA he felt normal and free. No on there knew what had happened to him and he for once he felt like he fit in and here in Pittsburgh he feels like he's always in edge and descibed a sensation of being strangled all the time. The therapist told my husband, that she has never seen him so emtiotional before. She described Pittsburgh as being 'cursed' for him. His son has gone through too many negative experiences here and moving to LA, where no one knows his son and what he's gone through will give him the fresh that he desperatley needs.
Now the husband is adamant about moving. He owns the his own company, so he's able to still run it via skype and conference calls. I'm the head to research and developement for the company I work for. I've spent years working my way up to get where I am and I have to be present at the office. My daughters also have to be taken into consideration. There whole lives are rooted here. I did ask them how would they feel about us moving, and they were against it. My family is here as well. They however don't know that transpried with my stepson. He doesn't want more people knowing. They do treat him well but they find him a little bit odd. Other than that, they treat him like my girls.
My husband and I are at a stand still. He wants to move to LA but I don't. I'm trying to not sound like a self-absorbed witch. What my stepson has gone through, I don't wish that upon even my enemies. If it were just my husband and his son.. then I would say move but there are others to think about as well. I don't know how to tackle this.
- AvJayne's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I mean... I get SS has been
I mean... I get SS has been through a lot. A lot of horrible stuff. But I still do not think the entire family should have to be uprooted to help him heal.
It's hard to sacrifice one family member's happiness for another. Also, skype and conference calls may work for an extended vacation or temporary move (think 3 months during winter), but I think long term his business will suffer. Or does your husband intend to travel to the office fairly frequently and leave you in the new home?
It's unfortunate, but unless you can come to some agreement you may be right. That is such a drastic change request and it sounds like your husband is ONLY looking at it from "his" position - not at all for you or your daughters.
There is a whole lot to
There is a whole lot to unpack here but I guess I'll start with this, the most obvious to me:
There's a whole lot of space between LA and Pittsburgh. Is your stepson really saying the only place in all of America that can make him feel better is LA? Because if so, I call bullsh*t.
I'm no therapist but I've had my fair share of therapy and it seems very odd to me that a therapist would support the idea of "moving" as the only successful method of dealing with trauma. Yes, I can totally understand having bad memories associated with certain cities (songs, smells, anything really) but I do not believe "moving" is ever a sure fire way to handle trauma. Maybe it would help to some degree, but the memories move with you so... what's the therapist's plan?
Finally, and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I do not think it's appropriate to ask your children if they want to move. This is an adult decision to be made by adults and when you ask your kids opinion you set them up to be triangulated into your marriage. Your girls are 12 and 14. Not the best ages for clear, adult decision making. If you were promoted again to a position across the country, one that you had really worked for and hoped for, would you let your kids decide if you moved? I should hope not. And in a handful of years, they themselves may want to move for college... so I'm not sure refusing to move because of them is a good enough reason not to move, honestly.
Your job however... oh, that's a tough one. You are in a tough spot, no doubt.
But I still really question the advice of a therapist who says relocate across the country to make your stepson happy. That's giving a child an incredible amount of power. And wherever your family lives, every day will not be a vacation. SS will still have a number of the trials and tribulations he has currently and I can't believe a therapist wouldn't address that with your SS and DH.
I agree with the others that
I agree with the others that say that LA is a bit extreme and there are obviously other places you could move that would be equally untainted for your SS. Now.. if he is still in the same relative neighborhood.. around the same groups of kids. I can see how he would love being "free" of the history.
I would approach this more in line with is there another place within a 2-3 hour drive of your current area that would work. Surely he can't just feel "alive" in only one city in the states.
Before DH packs up and moves
Before DH packs up and moves across the country maybe he should try taking SS on another vacation. Maybe it wasn't the place, maybe it was being out with people who he perceives as having no idea what happened to him.
Vacations can be magical things. We don't feel as stressed, we are open to new experiences, it's not real life.
THIS
I compare this thinking to Chef who is often nothing more than a big kid. Every time we have a holiday away, he talks about moving there. I moved only 45 min away from where I was finishing up raising my younger son to be "closer to Chef's kids" (TM) Big mistake.
What if the BM and SF move to LA?
BM and SF are in Jail -- according to OP
I doubt they will follow the kid.
To quote Buckaroo Banzai
To quote Buckaroo Banzai "No matter where you go, there you are." The kid may not get this yet but your husband is old enough to understand it. Running away to LA just because he had fun on vacation is about as Disney as you can get. Quite literally actually!
And by the way, what is that watermelon doing there?
I'm going to approach this
I'm going to approach this from a different point of view - but very practical in my opinion. I have lived as an adult both in Pittsburgh and in California (LA area and SF area). The cost of living in CA is ASTRONOMICAL. Not just a little more - it's like 4 times more expensive for everything. A $100 vet bill for shots was $400 in California. A non-luxury 1 BR apartment can easily be close to $3000 a month in CA.
Many people who lived a very comfortable upper middle class life found themselves living in an older ratty home (if they could afford anything) after they moved to California.
It could be very beneficial to get your SS out of Dodge - but there are options so much closer. I'm sure there are some great school districts in Ohio and W. Virginia that would give your SS a new start - yet be close enough that you could manage a semi-long distance living arrangement. Driving 2-3 hours for weekends together is totally different from taking a day to fly across country.
Everyone escapes their
Everyone escapes their problems on vacation. Moving to LA is a temporary fix and if the therapist suggested it, the therapist isnt that bright. It still happened to him and he wont forget in LA.
I can see both sides, and
I can see both sides, and this tugs at my heart.
Still, I can't quite like the theapist's encouragement to move. It's not like you would be living in the Magic Kingdom, after all. External things won't fix internal problems, and every place comes with pros and cons. Your SS will be the same person with the same issues, and what happens if he gets picked on by the Cali kids?
Your H thinks he's found a way to help his son, and he wants to seize it with both hands. Maybe a compromise is possible? A move to the opposite side of town or a different county?
Think about
can DH really run his company on skype, or will it rub into the ground because he not there in person.
You will not have a job, so family income will be down
no body else wants to move
The cost of living difference from Pittsburgh and LA is out of sight. You will be living ina small home, not have money for anything. Will there be money for college for the other kids ?
And it it does not work, everybody’s life is screwed up forever
Why not move to a different
Why not move to a different suburb outside of Pittsburg? You can’t move someplace just because it was a great vacation.
I’m sorry, that’s insane.
I’m sorry, that’s insane. Everyone feels more free on vacation. He needs a new therapist, not a new city. My DH wanted to move during the worst of alienation, and I told him to enjoy his new city without me. He didn’t move. “Geographical cures” rarely work. Stand your ground.
I see both sides I admit.
I see both sides I admit.
Food for thought.
I see the area we currently live in as a bit cursed myself. I deal with constant drama from my DH's baggage. All on close quarters. Everyone talks about the Psycho. She's s*** talked me to the majority of the town, so it's near impossible for me to even try and make friends or connections here. Not because they like her, but small town loyalties and such... To top it off, a few other things have happened here that give off a tianted vibe. And now GBM thinks she's going to move here so she can "just take the girls all the time." NO THANKS.
To me this area is poison. Full of nothing that can give me even a remote fresh start no matter how much effort I put into it. She painted me as a mistress very early on, and while people don't like associating with her druggie a$$, very few will even talk to me because it's just easier on them not to deal with me either.
I make it work.
If I mention moving MIL is all "well but you'd have to uproot the children!" Which isn't a fair thing to say imo. Kids move all the time. They're resillent. I moved plenty both growing up and between various apartments in college. Never broke me. I managed to find friends and adjust. Kids adjust. While they should be taken into account to an extent. I honestly don't believe in asking their opinion on a move, or that kids can't be uprooted.
Now i'm definitely NOT saying that you should jump into a move. And LA definitley seems like wya too far a move just for that. But try to understand a bit, and maybe explore the option some. Job availability in areas? Programs your girls might enjoy out there? And try to be a little bit empathetic to your SS. THEN you and your DH can make a choice on what's best for the family.
If it's really just the area, maybe somewhere still nearby enough you can visit family but where you don't know as many people? I've suggested to my DH we move just a few hours away. Gives me space, moves us to a location with things I actually enjoy and an opportunity for me to actually have a career I'd enjoy, but still keeps us close so the girls could see family periodically. Win-win.
I think there are other options out there besides LA. I don't think a therapist should really ever suggest you move, ESPECIALLY in front of a kid. But I think you should explore a few of the options that may be out there before drawing a line in the sand too
Doesn’t moving away basically teach ss to run away
From his problems instead of addressing or confronting it. What happens if he has a relationship breakup, loses his job, will he move to another city?
i watched a movie “cheaper by the dozen” not a blended family but they move away because daddy gets a great job offer. Kids majority refuse but mum and dad make an executive decision based on the best interests of the family.
they were currently struggling financially and kids living off hand-me-down clothes. With the new job moving to chicago 4hrs away, he would have more money, they could buy new things, a new car, a bigger newer home thats not falling apart and the kids get free schooling provided as a perk by his employer.
these are usually the reasons we make to move away because it makes sound financial sense. So you and hubby need to ask yourself does it make sound financial sense to move away?
also i assume your youngest daughter will start high school in a year or 2 and your eldest is getting to a point where she will soon be having to plan what subjects she studies to get into university and where i come from, depending what high school you go, your marks can be scaled up or down and not all subjects are offered to enter university so alot has to be taken into consideration.
Your ss moved to several different schools and now is homeschooled and now is wanting to move away and since he can’t move away, the expectation is you all move away...
when you are in a marriage, you need to discuss first any changes to the family dynamics (like a spouse moving away for job/studies) and discuss if you go through or hold back for a bit. It seems your husband made his mind up before asking your opinion and is pressuring you into submission and subtly guilt you??
i will be moving back to my country in about 4-6 months time to resume and complete my university studies. We decided late last year this was the best option so that when hubby retires early, i would have finished my degree and be working fulltime and hubby wants to be a househusband and retire in my country and he has told his kids from the exwife about this.
They won’t guilt him into staying in his birth country because he’s fed up with all the crap he’s had to endure with all of them and retirement for him is to relax but we are realistic because of our large age gap and i can still work, at least we will be financially comfortable and raise our 2 young kids because when hubby retires his youngest will be an adult already. So me working and hubbys retirment saving will be focussed on putting our kids through kindergarten to high school and then they can get jobs to go to university and student loans etc.
its very complicated you need to not be thinking about the immediate, you need to be planning 10-20 yrs ahead of how will this move affect everything and your original plans etc...