Adult Stepchildren and Visitation Agreement
I have three stepchildren ages, 24, 21 (boys) and soon to be 18 (girl). I have been living with their father for 8 years, married for 1. The visitation schedule is Tuesday and Thursdays from 3 - 8 p.m. and every other weekend (Friday at 5 p.m. - Sunday at 7 p.m.). They still following this. They are 24 and 21 years old!! They sleep on our sofas because we don't have enough room for them and it was okay when they were young/teenagers but now they are men. They don't do anything when they are there except play videogames or computer games. They don't talk to us. Their father has told them they are no longer required to abide by the visitation schedule and can do what they want now. That hasn't helped and they come over on the designated days only and have to leave by the designated times for "mom will get mad." Really!! The tension between my husband and I is terrible when they are there.
Does anyone else have a similar problem?
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Comments
Wow. That's crazy! I think
Wow. That's crazy!
I think someone needs to have a discussion with the kids about where they will live, what they are expected to pay for rent, etc, etc.
This is ridiculous. Lock up
This is ridiculous. Lock up the computers and game consoles. In fact, lock the front door and DON'T LET THEM IN!! Where are their jobs? Where are their girlfriends? When does their father expect them to GROW UP??
^^^^THIS, 100%. What's so
^^^^THIS, 100%. What's so hard about dad laying down the law in his own home?
Ok I seriously just LOL!!!!!
Ok I seriously just LOL!!!!! These people need to get a grip!
Oh my goodness, I'm getting
Oh my goodness, I'm getting hives just thinking about DH's adult kids still following the visitation schedule with him. KMN
ROFL.... That is too funny.
ROFL.... That is too funny. Yup. Too old for visitation schedule. Time to grow up.
- I have no words for how
:jawdrop: - I have no words for how weird this is....
I only wish this was a made
I only wish this was a made up story. It's not. Their dad won't tell them they can't come over. He and I are having problems because of this. On Tues & Thurs I have to come home after commuting an hour from work and have to prepare their dinner. That's what I'm expected to do by my husband. I can't say a word to them about anything and when I try talking to my husband about all of this, I'm the bad guy, the Bitch, selfish, childish. I need to change my attitude I'm told. He never gets on the two boys about anything. His daughter yes, he has no problem teling her what he thinks. The 24 old yr has a degree from ITT and has never sent one resume out for a job in his field. Instead, he works part time at a game shop (surprise! surprise!) The other is takiing classes at a community college. He had a scholarship for a 4 yr college, went one yr and dropped out. Now he is looking at a $30K bill for that year, he has to pay back. He works less then part time at a dept store.
I just wanted to know if I'm the one being unreasonable.
I have purposely scheduled
I have purposely scheduled things with my girlfriends when they are there just so I can escape.
I have purposely scheduled
I have purposely scheduled things with my girlfriends when they are there just so I can escape.
I have purposely scheduled
I have purposely scheduled things with my girlfriends when they are there just so I can escape.
So what's EVER going to
So what's EVER going to change if you don't change the situation yourself? Clearly, you are not happy with this arrangement. I hope you kept your money separate when you married this guy...
The only way I see it changes
The only way I see it changes is if we move away. We live in a small town and the boys won't drive the express ways, main highways (too scary). They have to stay close to where we live. They don't travel anywhere unless it's with their mother or their father. My days of having "family vacations" are over. We took them to a beach resort two years ago and it was aweful. They complained about everything, never went on the beach, never really went out of the room. They stayed inside and played video games, but expect $50 per day from us and my DH gave it to them. Who goes on vacation to "make money?"
I totally believe this. My
I totally believe this. My DH's 3 kids are 19-23. They all live with BM and her aunt. 2 of the kids and BM do not work, have never worked. One kid works 20 hours a week. The aunt works 50 hours a week, while everyone else lies around doing nothing. The house they all live in is teeny tiny. My house is small, but theirs is suited for 2 people, not 5 adults. So, when DH and I moved into this house 2 years ago, there was a sudden desire to move in here. That will never happen-DH and I agreed on that before we moved in together. These "kids" are horrible to DH and me...they also lie, steal, smoke pot, and are just nasty. We have tried to help them, but they just want us to give them money. Not happening. So when DH said that no one is moving in, they asked to have sleepovers. WTH????? Sleepovers? Yeah, right. And my deluded MIL told DH he should allow that. I said no to that, too. We do not have the room, nor do I want to have these people camping out in my home. The request for sleepovers spiraled into the idea that they should be allowed to come here whenever they want, and stay for how long they want. DH said no to that, too, and I think they are finally getting it.
Nothing amazes me with these "adults" anymore. Grown people following a visitation schedule that was set up when they were minors...it is almost unbelieveable, but I can see it happening.
When the oldest turned 21, my
When the oldest turned 21, my DH asked if he wanted to go out and have beer, etc. A guy's thing. NO! was the response. He doesn't drink. That is fine. My DH asked again saying you don't have to drink alcohol just want to go to a bar setting and get something to eat. No, again. Instead, for his 21st birthday he had a "sleepover" and that's what he called it. I couldn't believe it. My mommy made them all breakfast in the morning. How nice!
When the oldest turned 21, my
When the oldest turned 21, my DH asked if he wanted to go out and have beer, etc. A guy's thing. NO! was the response. He doesn't drink. That is fine. My DH asked again saying you don't have to drink alcohol just want to go to a bar setting and get something to eat. No, again. Instead, for his 21st birthday he had a "sleepover" and that's what he called it. I couldn't believe it. My mommy made them all breakfast in the morning. How nice!
Absolutely nuts. If my
Absolutely nuts. If my husband allowed this crap, HE would be sleeping on the couch. Or, I guess the floor since the couch is taken.
Better yet, the whole lot of them can just go somewhere else all together.
The thing is I will face the
The thing is I will face the consequences with my huband if I don't. He can make my life a living hell.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
How?
^^^This is what I'd like to
^^^This is what I'd like to know???
Yell and scream at me,
Yell and scream at me, degrade me. Break things of mine. Kick me out.
Then why do you stay? That's
Then why do you stay? That's not a marriage worth being in!
Yes, OP - you need to get out
Yes, OP - you need to get out of this marriage.
Take back your life honey, you deserve so much better than this.
He is abusive - he may not physically hurt you but this is still an abusive relationship and you need to leave.
If you can't do it immediately start making plans.
Get your paperwork in order, start squirrelling away money - do NOT let him know about it.
Have your stuff in an easy to get at place so you can grab it and run when the time comes.
You are being abused! Why do
You are being abused! Why do you stay? Can you go and stay with a friend or relative? Do you have money saved away separately? I sincerely think you need to leave this crazy insane situation.
Call a woman's help/distress line or go to a shelter. They can help you. Please do something to save yourself from this misery. Noone deserves to be bullied and abused like that.
I was worried about that line
I was worried about that line too.
The two "boys" have no
The two "boys" have no friends, no girlfriends - not interested in girls at all. They have no other interest except these video games. they can't hold a conversation with anyone unless it's about a video game. When they were little it was easy for their mother to use that as the babysitter to keep them occupied.
My SD is the total opposite. She is a senior in highschool. She is involved in a mentorship with pre-schoolers. She wants to be a teacher. She has goals. She has friends. She has social skills. She goes out. Loves roller skating, goes to dances, loves broadway musicals. They think she's crazy.
I'd full on tell the same
I'd full on tell the same thing I tell my SO when he's being immature. "Don't raise adults, I raise children, adults are on their own." or "I'm not your mom I'm your gf." and "Fuck you do it your damn self" then there is "I'm mom not the maid" and last but not least "Don't like it leave."
One of my biggest fears is
One of my biggest fears is that the visitations won't stop...
That's my biggest fear as
That's my biggest fear as well. Then what do I do???
My DH and I had words the
My DH and I had words the other day about the "boys." Maybe something sunk it I don't know. He realized or at least finally said it out loud.....they are 21 and 24 (almost 25) and have never had sex, or any kind of interaction with a girl/young woman. A typical man's way of thinking, but it's true. He said they are virgins. I said they are going to be 40 yr old virgins at this rate. He said since he and their mother split up some 13-14 yrs ago, their "social life" ended. Their mother has controlled and manipulated their lives since that time. If they are not home by 8 p.m. her comment is, "oh you'd rather stay with your father then me." The guilt she puts on them is sick. I told him, she will not be around their entire lives and they cannot make a decision unless she tells them. And, at this point they are too far gone.
My SD will be the one to stand up to her. She's already starting to do it now. SD will be 18 in 2 months. I told him I will not be at their beck and call after that time. We will not reschedule our plans, or stay home just because they are here (if they are here).
Their mother has done a big injustice to them and everyone else has to deal with what she has created. I'm waiting for her present husband to get tired of it.
My oldest SS (age 24) called
My oldest SS (age 24) called his father last week and asked if they can go to the movies this weekend (it's Dad's weekend) to see the new Ironman movie. Dad said yes, of course. This means Dad pays for everything...tickets, popcorn, soda, candy. So this will cost us $120.00 this weekend to take them to the movies. At 24 yrs old you call and ask your father to take you to a movies. Blows my mind!
Oh the oldest one definitely
Oh the oldest one definitely could afford to go to a movie himself, but why should he spend his money when Dad will. That's his mentality...sit back and let someone else pay. He needed new tires on his car. His father bought the tires and said to pay him back $20/week. Well about a month and a half went by and not one dime. I was proud that my husband finally asked him for the money. Again, he said $20/week will be fine. The next day my SS came over and handed us the full amount for the tires. He's got money, he just doesn't want to spend his when someone else can.
It is always assumed that he
It is always assumed that he (SS) doesn't have any money, but he does. SS does not want to spend a dime of his money. He pays his mother rent ($50/wk), has a cell phone bill (he only has a standard cell phone for calls/text only - not a smart phone) and paying off a student loan. A Loan for a field he won't even attempt to work in. He has a degree in computer engineering but rather work retail at a game store -which I might add, he does not work 40 hr a week. When the tire issue came up my DH assumed he didn't have the money to put out for tires. He offered to pay and said you can pay me back. I know my SS counted on my DH forgetting about it and he would have to pay it back.
SS works 3 miles from our house. He figured out it would be cheaper for him to come to our house on his break from work and have his father make him fried shrimp as oppose to buying a hamburger. He would call my DH and say I'll be there at a certain time and my DH would stand and fry him shrimp. I refused. Of course it was cheaper he didn't buy the shrimp!! And, if the shrimp weren't done when he got there, he would sit at the table and read a book waiting to be served. When my DH forgot one day, SS became very aggitated because his meal wasn't ready when he walked in the door.