HELP - Really need some advice
This is my first entry and I just really need aome help. I have been dating B for four years. We love each other but things are just going to hell in a fury. He has S12 and D15. S12 and I have always gotten along great. D15 has been up and down with liking me and hating me. Now she hates me and hasn't spoken to me in weeks. We do not live together - although the mom has lived with two men (both losers)since they split 6 years ago. D15 never seems to have a problem with them even though they have sponged off her mom and treated her like crap!
Two weeks ago, B found out he is being assigned an Expat for 3 years across the pond. We have just a few months of spending time together. D15 won't be at his house if I am there. She texts her mom to come get her and mom does it. Last night there was a company outdoor dinner and he wanted me and the kids to come along - she refused and went to her mothers. This morning he invited me over and we made breakfast and just hung out with s12. He was taking the kids camping this weekend and I decided to just let them have the time together- he agreed. I went to the market (I bought the D15 a card while there) and came back. Mom had dropped D15 off while I was gone. She was shut up in her bedroom. As I was leaving I said goodbye to her and no response. I knocked on her door, no response. I slid the card under the door and said, I got you a card, maybe someday you will talk to me again. I have done nothing to her but be kind and often make special dinners and things she likes. I left.
He called asking if he could borrow my USB internet access card for the weekend. "Sure, come by and get it." When they arrived, I walked out to the car. She was in the back. I spoke, no response. I said, "Are you not even going to speak to me?" No response. I said, "That makes me very sad." BF kissed me bye, I said Happy Birthday (Sunday is his BD). I was going to be at his house when they return with a b-day cake and dinner. Now, I just don't know what to do.
I thought about trying to have coffee with the mother - I like her even if she is a crazy drama queen and I thought maybe if the D15 saw that her mom and I could talk, she wouldn't resent me so much. He feels like he is being forced to choose. D15 makes him feel that way. I told him this morning that if this is how it is going to continue, we might as well split now. How are we going to navigate a long distance relationship if his kids and I can't visit at the same time? I love him so much and would do anything to rectify this situation. We want to spend quality time together b4 departure dat, but now she is really forcing him to choose. As I walked away from the car i just kept thinking -- she is winning. She is getting exactly whats she wants. Help....???
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Comments
I suspect he has just as much
I suspect he has just as much to play in this as shw does if not more. He allows her to talk to you lke this. You have been kind and thoughtful and still she treats you in a nasty manner.
I think in his mind he is in 'daddymode' or 'boyfriendmode'. He can deal with wach separately but not at the same time.
Maybe just enjoy what time you have with him before he leaves. Work out what dates he has his kids and work around that. He doesn't seem very keen about combining both his world so this may be as good as it gets.
Does this excuse her behaviour? Certainly not! But he is her father and he should tell her to knock it off. Why doesn't he? Guilty Daddy Sundrome?
And she doesn't 'win' per se. Because she may think she has got her Daddy all to herself but he will be miserable and always on her butt.
Guilty dad for sure.
Guilty dad for sure. Eventhough the ex initiated the split. but of course, she has worked like hell to get him back over the years. Daughter sees this and I am sure has been told I am in the way.
Yes, I know it is hard on the
Yes, I know it is hard on the kids. Historically, we have all gone camping together but I really felt like they needed this time together. It will be easier for me to visit for sure. The only real arrangement for them right now is they will likely spend next school year with him and attend an International school. I will be going at Christmas and we were hopeful that maybe the kids could come too. I suppose therein lies the urgency of trying to reslove things with D15. Everybody loses out bc of her behavior.
Yes, 13-14 academic year. I
Yes, 13-14 academic year. I agree there are many variables involved - it is not just SD -- dad and BM play a huge role. I am just trying to figure out if I should just stay away while he has his kids prior to departure -- like should I go on the summer vacation we were planning which we have done for the past four summers?? She will pitch a fit and not want to go, maybe won't if mom rescues her....do I do what I have always done and make him the bday cake and dinner when they return or just stay away? Is it like having salt rubbed in the divorce wound for SD knowing that they would all be going abroad if BM and BD were still together? I don't want to hurt the kids. I am an adult. What is the path of the higher road here?
Yes, he is doing it for money
Yes, he is doing it for money and perstige. Bottom line, truth be told. I have grappled with this truth. Given this, the prognosis for a ldr is grim.
Interaction with BM is
Interaction with BM is pointless when Dad is sitting right there and allows her rude behavior. It's just minimal good manners for her to have responded when you, an adult, greeted her. It's complete bull**** that her father sat there and did not make her use good manners to you.
Why oh why would you want to visit him with his kids present? Wouldn't you rather have adult alone time so the two of you can focus on enjoying time together?
Good point!! He walks on
Good point!! He walks on eggshells around her. She is extremely manipulative. You're right because dad is the one who doesn't stop mom from picking her up.
I'm talking about when she
I'm talking about when she was in the car and you spoke to her and she ignored you. Her father allowed it, that's some poor parenting on his part.
It's bad enough that SD is
It's bad enough that SD is being rude and disrespectful to you, but worse that her father is not correcting the behavior. This WILL NOT get better! If he does not step up to the plate and make it known to his daughter that her disrespecting you will NOT be tolerated, she will completely control the situation. HE needs to step it up. Can't he see how hard you are trying to make it better with her?? And then in return see her being a total bitch to you? I think you new to have a serious, relationship changing talk with your B! As far as talkin to BM-- that never works honey...
Keep us informed of what happens!
Nope, I would NOT change your
Nope, I would NOT change your vacation plans to make it "easier" for her!!! Thats giving her waaaay too much power!! Daddy should NOT allow her to leave on His parenting time, esp if the reason is because your there!! Thats totall bullcrap!
Youve been with him for 4 yrs!!! Thats plenty enough time to "get used to" you!!!
I cannot stand when these crazy dads start allowing these kids to dictate things to them. Id never allow my little girl to start telling me she wont be around if I do this or that. Its just so wrong!!
." When they arrived, I
." When they arrived, I walked out to the car. She was in the back. I spoke, no response. I said, "Are you not even going to speak to me?" No response. I said, "That makes me very sad." BF kissed me bye,
What is really sad is that Daddy's stand by and not saying anything to their children to correct their rude behavior.
MY DH does the same thing, and it's the men in this that are the issue.
Sigh