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beatlesmom's picture

Submitted by beatlesmom on Mon, 01/11/2010 - 11:28pm

So I am now a new member of StepTalk.org...what am I getting myself into?

I never thought that one day I would be writing a blog entry on being a stepparent, let alone ever writing a blog entry online, but I guess some things are just meant to happen.

My life story is nothing wonderful to write about, so I will leave out the boring details and give a "Reader's Digest" version of the last five years of my life.

I met my husband in November 2004..hit it off, everything clicked and then I am told he has a son, then 2 1/2 years old. I thought, "cool, I can do this. I work with kids and have always loved being around kids. I can be cool with this little dude...no problems." (Side note: you might not see the problems at first, but they are always hiding in the shadows.) After my husband and I started to get close and decided to get married, I couldn't help but be happy to marry not only the man I love but also the "little man" I love. My stepson thinks it's cool that he has two moms and two dads...that's where the sad part comes in. Ever since I have been in his life, my stepson doesn't call me "mom" or "mommy"...we tried once, but it didn't last long. Oh sure he calls his stepdad "daddy steve" or "dad" and calls my husband the same, but I'm not "mommy angie" or even "ma". We tried again a couple months ago, but again it didn't last. I don't know what the deal is, but it's just a title and I shouldn't worry about it right? I guess...

This is what I have been feeling lately; at least for the past year anyway. I don't feel I get the same treatment as my stepson gives his stepfather. Granted he lives with his mother and stepfather, so I should over-look that, but it still makes me feel like I'm not included. I've tried to explain this to my husband, but of course because he is a guy he doesn't get it. I can't think of any other woman to talk to, in my group of friends, that is having the same issues as me...I guess that is why I decided to join the group huh?

So now, for those that are choosing to read this "thank you" in advance. For those that choose to not read it, it's cool-I understand. Smile

Comments

Most Evil's picture

Submitted by Most Evil on Tue, 01/12/2010 - 4:31am

Aww honey, please don't ask or think he will call you Mom. That is a huge battle with BMs, so I would not even want that, they go ballistic over that. Does everything else go smooth? Glad you are here! Smile
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"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." -
Will Rogers

Selkie's picture

Submitted by Selkie on Tue, 01/12/2010 - 6:44am

Welcome beatlesmom. You've found the right place for help with all of the challenges you'll face. You're a lucky one if the only problem you have is the name the little guy chooses to call you (I wouldn't worry too much about that one; the relationship you have with him isn't determined by nicknames). I know you'll find support and words of comfort here from other women in your position. Good luck to you!

onehappygirl's picture

Submitted by onehappygirl on Tue, 01/12/2010 - 7:23am

Welcome to our community.

Don't sweat it too much that your SS doesn't call you mom. He will when he's comfortable. It just takes some longer than others. Sheldon (SS13) has called me mom since mine and Truelight's (DH) wedding. KittyCat (SD9) has been on and off calling me by my name and by mom. Lately, she's been calling me mom more often.

The Wookie (BM) is dead set against them calling me anything. She doesn't even like them to address me by my name. My Skids get in trouble if she knows they call me mom, so they have learned not to tell her. When we have to be in her presence, they both call me by my name, and I'm okay with that. I don't want them to be punished for showing me that they love me.

It takes time, and since your SS is not living with you, it could take longer. Maybe come up with another name such as "Em" (M - for mom), or something cute like Sparky or something. That way it's a special name shared between the two of you and no one else.
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Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

Kb3Hooah's picture

Submitted by Kb3Hooah on Tue, 01/12/2010 - 7:48am

I've learned in life, but especially in a blended family, that we have to pick and choose our battles. Not that this by any means takes away from what you feel about it, but I think this is a battle that should take a backseat.

Instead of focusing on things that don't make you feel included, try focusing on things that 'do'. For example, the skids in my situation aren't very affectionate towards me, they've expressed that they really like me, but don't show it in a physical way like hugs or kisses.

Instead, SS gets excited to tell me about things he enjoys, and SD likes to make sure I'm sitting in the middle of my BD and her so that she can sit next to me also. THIS shows me, THIS makes me feel included, THIS makes me feel loved by them. I focus on that, instead of focusing on the things they don't do.

Welcome! and I hope this helps! Smile

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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

LotusFlower's picture

Submitted by LotusFlower on Tue, 01/12/2010 - 9:01am

Welcome Beatlesmom!! don't sweat the Mom thing, honey...I am a FT SM to my skids and have been for years...they call me "lotus", which is just fine by me...look at it this way, honey...it reminds them/him that there is a woman in their/his life that takes on all the responsibility of being a mom, but isn't their mom...when my skids start forgetting that I don't have to do what I do for them...I remind them :)...I'm here cuz I WANT to be...I don't HAVE to be....plus...little kids are loyal to their Moms...which I believe they should be if they have a good Mom who loves and cares for them...that is her title...:)I have a not-so-great BM...well a lousy BM..we don't even know where she is...but I would never want them to call me Mom and not call her "Mom"...this way my kids learn that they need to truly appreciate all that I do for them, cuz i don't have to...their "Mom" should be doing it.. :)...make sense????

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

Fading's picture

Submitted by Fading on Tue, 01/12/2010 - 9:03am

Welcome! I'm new here too! Don't worry about SS not calling you Mom. My SD calls her stepdad "Dad" but only calls me by my first name. I found that BM encourages SD to call him 'Dad' and for her to call me by my first name only. It may be better for the sake of sanity that he doesn't call you mom. Some BM's go wonky when they hear their child call the SM 'Mom'.

angel27229's picture

Submitted by angel27229 on Tue, 01/12/2010 - 12:50pm

welcome! i have to say i am fairly new to this also, but i find it really really helps when i am feeling i need to vent.
anyway, just a little story, my son, 13,(biological) is thrilled at the fact that my long time live in boyfriend and I are getting married. He did ask me though, "do i have to call him dad?" (my son's father passed away in a car accident a few years ago). I told him no. he did not have to.
I personally would feel very uncomfortable if my soon to be SS10 called me mom. My SS10 lives with me and his father, and i would still feel uncomfortable.

I will tell you i feel your pain when you say you feel you don't get the same treatment as the other side. I do suffer with the same feelings. It is very hard when the skids don't treat you the same, even if you have taken the mother role on.
i wish you luck and try not to worry about being called "mom" at least he talks to you. (one of my skids doesn't even acknowledge me).