Not a stepmom yet...
I'm dating this guy who had 2 daughters...I have 3. I'm a little apprehensive about blending our families, but then, who wouldn't be??? We're not talking marriage anytime soon, but I'm trying to be as emotionally ready as possible when and if the time does come. His ex is not a nice person and has done some pretty scuzzy things to keep the kids away from him. It didn't work, but it has made his life very difficult at times. Any advice on dealing with psycho exes? It's hard for me to know how to deal with her, because my ex and I work so well together and always put the kids first...
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I could just link you to a comment I've made to a similar question...
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Most importantly, from my experience it's not really about "dealing with her" at all. It's more about being able to focus on YOUR life and your BF, and not play into her pathetic games. She will try to run you off, but don't give her that satisfaction! Don't even show her that her actions bother you, because that's exactly what she wants. And under NO circumstances show her any weakness or mercy! She will try to find your soft spots and exploit them for her own wicked means. Just focus on your BF and kids and don't let her drag you down into her misery!
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Ya know, I think you're
Ya know, I think you're exactly right. I've felt that for awhile, and it helps to hear someone else reaffirm my feelings on the subject. She is that kind of person, too. I've watched her try and play on my BF's weaknesses, and she's done a fine job until the last year. Now he works very hard not to let her get to him. Thanks for the support and advice!!!!!
I would like to point out...
It's also about insecurities too. How confident you are in your relationship will also help you in your journey together. Your ex and yourself seem to have it right, but unfortunately, your DH and his ex is obviously still needs 'closer'. If, like Nymh pointed out, you focus on your relationships, you'll be better off in the long run- and that means the children as well. If BM starts to throw you curve balls, just remember that she's insecure about herself, and she's wanting attention. Alot of women 'act' out without even understanding why they are behaving the way the are, it's really simple. They feel threatened because you're now apart of 'their' children's lives. It can also be jealously flat out. They don't have "control" when the kids are at your home, and when ever something isn't going well, they need someone to direct all their frustrations on- your DH. It's not right, we know it, but it happens, unfortunately. Redirect your focus to your new family to keep your mind at ease, and that's what it's about.
I'll be honest, while you won't be able to redirect all the thrown curves, you'll sure to hit a homer out of the park with the children as long as you all enteract as a family. If you don't give Psycho BM the satisfaction of an audience, then she'll eventually give up throwing temper tantrums. I can guarantee that when you do blend your families together, she'll show up in there somehow.
I also like to be extremely nice to mine, because there is nothing better than watching someone who utterly hates you squarm in her skin when she literally has no reason to hate you. My motto..."Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." What goes around, comes around... I believe in karma.
In the last two years, I've watched my BM have one thing after another happen to her, and I firmly believe it's because of all the crap she put my DH threw the few years before... karma finally rolled around and slapped her square in the face, double time.
Oh, and don't sweat the small stuff... better to let that roll off your back.
I love it!
You're cracking me up! You sounds so much like one of my best friends....you two could be twins! She said the same things you did. Especially the part about being so nice to the ex. You're right! She'll want a reason to hate me, but if I'm super nice to her, then it'll drive her crazy. I also like the part about keeping focused on "our" new relationship. It will help to keep things in perspective. And, most of all, I'm with you 100% on the karma thing. I do believe in it, and I also do believe it will come back to her.
I understand all the insecurities that we, as women, have to deal with. I can even understand her feeling worried about the children wanting to be with us more than her. (if you haven't already read "The Female Brain" you've got to!!! It's awesome!) So I do feel some sympathy for her. BUT...not enough to allow myself to fall to her level.
Thanks again.....it helps to have all this support!!!
Hold on to your seat...
Since you said she's done some unfair things to your husband...I say hold on to your seat on whats to come when you blend your family. Read some of the blogs on this site and it will give you some ideas of what we've gone through as stepparents. Be strong and control your emotions....a lot of the things she will doing will affect you emotionall most of all.
-happy mom
I would suggest letting your
I would suggest letting your boyfriend deal with her, not you.
Happy mom is right, control your emotions when it comes to his ex, especially when you are trying to work with your boyfriend to resolve problems.
It's not going to be easy, but don't let her get to you and cause problems in your relationship. She doesn't want to see him happy and she may do some awful things and may even use her kids to try to get you out of the picture.
Read the blogs, check out stepfamily sites, and read whatever you can to help prepare you.
bobbi and happy mom...
thank you! I think that's a good idea, to let him deal with her, not me. I will keep checking out this sight and others for help. It's amazing to me, just from these few blogs from all of you, to see how many other women have been or are in my same situation. I'm not glad so many people have to deal with this, but thankful to have so many people who know how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. It truly gives me strength. Thank you!