Infertility stuff... UPDATE
So as I shared with you guys before, I have three embryos from my previous marriage. I have had every intention of using them and told my current H about them within a month of meeting him. It has ALWAYS been my intention to try again with them and to proceed from there, depending on the outcome of that. Apparently H thought he could convince me to change my mind.
He keeps going back to, "Well, why can't WE try first!?" If he and I were to try and were successful, he has already told me he wouldn't want to have anymore because he only wants three, maybe four, children. Um, he already has two by two other women. If he and I had one or two, he would THEN say I couldn't try with my embryos because we would have too many children. The he says he feels like I'm not putting him first in this situation. You're damn right I'm not. Just like I don't always come first for him, BECAUSE he has children. Such is life.
So a month or so ago, he told me that he feels like he doesn't know anything about the process and that he hasn't been included. So I scheduled a consultaton with the fertility doctor today and invited H to come along. He sat in that office and I couldn't BELIEVE how he acted. He had THEE most fucked up body language and when the doctor and I asked him if he had any questions, input, etc... He just kept saying, "NOPE!" with his lip poked out like a fucking toddler in timeout. I coud have strangled him.
This IS an absolute dealbreaker. So, I'm supposed to put up with you, your children, BOTH of their mothers and that's OK. But you can't respect, understand and support my desire to fulfill the promise I feel I made to my embryos and our Creator? Hmm... Yes, a dealbreaker indeed.
I asked him how he would feel if I said to him that I would, of course, continue to be a loving and supportive wife to him, but that I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with his children and that any sort of childcare, cooking, cleaning, etc... for them needed to be done by him or he needed to arrange to have it done... He told me our marriage would not work out and we would end up divorced. Touche! So it's OK for me to be your maid, nanny, etc... but you don't have to support me in the pursuit I told you about a month into our dating relationship? Nice...
Am I being unfair? I feel like although this is NOT the typical situation, I TOLD him. And he isn't exactly baggage-friggin-free!!! Sigh...
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i don't think i could support
i don't think i could support my husband wanting to have more children created during his first marriage, not of my blood, born to our marriage (if roles were reversed). i would not like watching him carry her child. however, you deserve to me a mother. definite dealbreaker if he denies you this.
Cocoa, I understand what you
Cocoa, I understand what you mean. I would never suggest this is an easy situation. But that is precisely why I told him about it SO early on, before it was really any of his business. I did that because it is such a huge factor. He chose to keep seeing me. He chose to propose to me. He chose to marry me. He is a package deal. So am I.
None of it is easy... Honesty is the most any of us can ask for when you've been through some things in life and have a bit of baggage...
i do understand. it's
i do understand. it's something you wanted from the beginning. but you know how people hate the saying "you should have known what you were getting into" and how we step mother's hate that because we DIDN'T know until we got into it! just playing devil's advocate here, but could be the same with him. maybe he didn't really take you seriously, thought his love would "take care" of that notion. but i understand for you it's VERY important. would you even be willing to have a child of his blood? be willing to let go of the embryo's? just asking. it's a very personal decision you have to make. HOW important is it to you? is it a dealbreaker for YOU? could you live with yourself if you never brought those embryo's to fruition? it IS very complex. and you're absolutely right. he brought HIS baggage, why can't you have yours? is compromise a possibility? very deep and the ONLY way you'll get to resolution i think is through compromise.
Yes, I absolutely agree. I
Yes, I absolutely agree. I didn't have ANY prior experience as a stepmother. So while I "knew what I was getting myself into," it doesn't make it easier. When I think about it, it's not really about anything other than the fact that he had many, many chances to opt out. I might feel bad for him if he didn't have children already. He HAS kids. By two horrible people... I think it is incredibly selfish for him to think it's OK to run around spreading his seed around, as if there is something so magical and wonderful about it. He has two children. I value and support his role as an active father. It is because of me (and me alone) that SS12 lives with us full-time. I pushed for H to get custody because it was apparent this child would have NO chance if there wasn't an immediate intervention. So I have gone above and beyond the call of duty as a stepmother. He needs to swallow his ego/pride, stop thinking about "Oh, poor me! It's not MY sperm!" and support me. I don't whine about his kids not having half of MY chromosomes as I run around doing EVERYTHING for them...
No I could NOT live with myself if I never tried with my embryos. I am pro-choice because I don't believe I can tell another woman how to proceed when it comes to pregnancy, but I absolutely believe life begins at conception.
With regard to compromise, what, in your view, would be one? I guess I feel some things are black or white. Either we try with my embryos or we don't. What other option is there?
feeling as strongly as you do
feeling as strongly as you do about this, i don't believe compromise is possible. he will have to accept this (without resentment)or it will be a deal breaker. like stated below, a time limit is needed. you've been hoodwinked. i would not accept this, either.
This is a hard one. I agree
This is a hard one. I agree that I would probably feel the same as your DH. BUT…he knew this whole time and is just now making waves….? Not fair.
I think a lot of these men
I think a lot of these men just want it to be a one way street.
GG told me when he moved in with me that he was "not expecting me to raise more children" b/c I had already successfully raised two of my own.
Then about two seconds into the relationship, he made it clear that I was not to usurp the position of the Behemoth (BM) but was to be a "entitlement session facilator"
He made it clear that I was "nothing" to the skids; just "daddy's friend." He literally pounded it into them and went overboard telling them that I was basically personna non grata and that they "still had a mommy and daddy that loved them very much." (TM)
I had NO say about what went on under my own roof when his kids were around. They could do what, when and where they pleased.
Yet I was still to facilitate by financially backing HIM and his disneydad lifestyle and playing maid, nanny (w/o authority to discipline of course), cook, legal secretary,etc etc, all the while he supported the Behemoth with massive CS.
Speaking of disneydad...
Speaking of disneydad... Well, that's another interesting aspect of this... He has been talking about the costs associated with this process. So it's NOTHING to drop $500+ for football stuff for the laziest, least athletic little boy I've ever seen, but he balks and $25 copays for consultations for me...
Never mind that I have saved his ass tens of thousands of dollars this year in childcare.
yep, definitely time to lay
yep, definitely time to lay it on the line to him.
Your situation is a spin off
Your situation is a spin off of a common one.
1. Biodad and new woman meet
2. They talk about having kids together in addition to his already "previously enjoyed" family
3. Once Biodad and new woman become an "item" the psycho BM PAS ensues.
4. Biodad is caught blindsided as he *thought* the BM would "play fair."
5. Biodad then goes back on wanting more children with the new woman (now SM) b/c he "just can't handle the stress" Usually he doesn't like the thought of:
a. paying more attention to a new child than the skids
b. thought of paying CS to the SM like he is to the BM should the relationship not work out
c. doesn't want to be "tied down" beyond his previously enjoyed family
VERY interesting, Auteur! I
VERY interesting, Auteur! I can totally see the connection.
For H, he keeps going back to the fact that HE wants HIS chromosomes involved. So, chromosomes are important, right? Well the two brats I've been entertaining, cleaning up after, feeding, taking to doctor and dentist appointments, etc... don't share any of mine! I guess I should stop doing shit for them, huh?
Oh! I forgot! According to H, that's different because, "They're already here..." So, once again, it's no big deal for me to have to deal with two BM's, but you get the chance to be their from day one with my babies. Hmmm... Sounds fair to me! Yah... right.
I feel your DH's pain - it
I feel your DH's pain - it would be a deal breaker for me to have my partner have children with another person. That being said - he should have walked away then. If you really feel this is a deal breaker you need to set a time limit.
I understand and respect
I understand and respect that. I can see how it would be a difficult choice for him, or anyone facing that sort of situation. It is so far from ideal that I can't even begin to tell you... But it is my situation, and I can't ignore that.
I agree with you about the time limit. Hell, my biological clock demands it. I'm definitely not getting any younger...
It was an amicable divorce.
It was an amicable divorce. No lasting bitterness or bad blood. My ex and I made the personal and legalally-binding decision that I keep the embryos, since IVF is the only way I can conceive. If any/all of them made it to term, I would tell them the truth: That they were conceived in love and that they could not have been wanted more, no matter what their biological father and I chose to do with regard to the relationship we had. If H chooses to be a true player in and a key part of this, I would teach them that he is their father in every way that matters. If my ex chooses to be a factor in their life, I would be OK with that as long as it was consistent and not overwhelming or invasive.
If he doesn't, I will teach them that they are loved beyond measure and that I will always protect and fight for them, as I have done from the time that they were just adorable clumps of cells.
As it stands now, it is as if I made them with a sperm donor. My ex has absolutely no legal right to them and would have to sue to determine paternity, visitation, etc...
((((HUGS))) Thank you... I do
((((HUGS)))
Thank you... I do understand that this is a crazy situation. I do. I get it. But it is part of what I put on the table, from the very beginning. For me, it's sort of like H telling me before we wed that he wanted more kids and then telling me he changed his mind. That's a HUGE thing to change your mind about... I could see if I just sprung this on him. I would never do anything like that.
Yes destroying, donating to science, adoption, etc... are all absolutely, positively OUT of the question.