Birthday dinner with SS
So SS still isn't working due to arm injury and his wife isn't either, He asked DH to do BBQ for his birthday and they would come over. No offer to bring sides but did ask them to be Mac and cheese, potato chips and salad. No we aren't all toddlers, the youngest is 8 but that is how they eat. I just made Kraft Mac and cheese since it had to be "creamy" to be accepted at all. The 3 kids 8,12, and 13 ate a chicken leg and a few bites of sides and that was it. I think they snacked on chips before coming this time. Last Christmas dinner I made was ruined by milkshakes.
Wifey said she couldn't get a job because the kids were too old to go to daycare after school if SS ever could go back to work. What? They can't stay home after school at their age? And when is SS going back anyway? I found out today they told DH they got a bill for family healthcare this month of $1200. SS job is no longer covering it as he has been off since February and the injury isn't work related-so the squeeze is on for them to do something. SS said they were both depressed or something and so I guess that is affecting their ability to motivate and support themselves?
I am proud to tell you all I finally got the nerve to tell DH I didn't agree with helping them when she is not getting a job. I am terrible about standing up for what I feel so that was a huge step for me. Her not working just infuriates me as I have worked 2 jobs in my first marriage to support my kids and she won't even get one. Even work from home pays $15 an hour now. I'm dwelling on all this terribly, worried we are still going to end up spending our savings on them. I also let DH know that SS called while he was in the shower to thank him for his $500 birthday check! SS didn't include me, seemed to think I have nothing to do with the gifts and money from us. That is how much DH wanted to give him since he is out of work but SS laughed and said it was dangerous, he might buy himself something.
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NTA
No, absolutely not. Hide the money. SS and DIL are azzholes.
I feel like a broken record today.
Tell DH you're 'depressed' and feel like quitting your job.
EGADS
SS sounds like a jerk. And you are supplimenting Them both staying at home. Maybe if one of them had a j.o.b they wouldnt be so depressed.
Your DH needs to have a heart to heart with SS. Not acknowledging you. Did that come from your DH's money pot?
Good for you for expressing all this to DH.
Nope, our joint account. DH
Nope, our joint account. DH did tell him I was part of the check but it won't matter.
Umm 13 yr old
Can babysit the younger two My DD was the defacto childcare for my DS when he was age 6 and she was age 12. And I worked two jobs as a single mom with no BF and no CS.
So SS can’t take care of his kids
So wifeeee can get a JOB ? Job is not even a four letter word
Stop this lunacy right now,
Stop this lunacy right now, ya hear me? RIGHT NOW!
It's time to take over your finances. Start by drawing up a budget to show where the money goes each month and split the costs. Then there's the money that should ( and WILL) go into your savings for retirement. None of the above is negotiable. Then you each get to keep what's left over for your own discretionary spending. Do not allow your husband to dip into the bill and savings money.
Remind him that if he has no savings left for retirement that he can go and live with his son because he's the one who got the money and you are not going to support him.
Your useless SS can take care of his kids while his wife is at work. Wjhy does your husband think that his son and DIL should be entitled to an all expenses paid holiday (because that's what is happening) while his wife works her arse off to (indirectly) finance that? This is NOT OK!
Have you considered couples counselling to try and knock some sense into his bonehead?
Please listen to Winterglow
She is giving excellent advice!
I would probably wind up
I would probably wind up going off on the wife. I don't know how you kept your mouth shut.
Wendy's is fraking hiring at $15/hr with benefits! My 16 yr old's job as a cashier at a grocery store pays $14/hr! There is no reason on earth why she isn't doing SOMETHING to help support their family. Women like this just infuriate me.
Time to give them numbers for welfare, etc....
Do not give them any more money. Not as gifts, not as aid, not one cent. Rock bottom tends to drive clarity and action. Let them hit rock bottom.
It was a challenge but my DW refused to give my ILs or any of her younger sibs a cent when they were repeatedly flirting with bankruptcy, foreclosure, reposession, etc... They all managed to survive and eventually find at least a moderate level of stability.
She did help a cousin who ended up taking advantage of us. Once that happened, there was no more help for the cousin. Sadly, my DW struggles with fairly severe guilt over not helping the cousin again after two bail outs totaling about $3K. The cousin passed away a few months ago. She was important to my DW. The last close family relation with DW's bio-dad's family. Her bio-dad was killed in a vehicly accident when my MIL was pregnant with my DW. So this cousin was the unicorn cousin and represented far more than "just" a cousin.
Interestingly, the cousin's DH has been reaching out to my DW fairly regularly since the cousin passed away. He has not asked for money, though my guess is that will come at some point.
There is help out there. Guide them to help and let them take action.... or not.
My brother’s wife is an engineer from a prestigious university
She chose to downgrade her career to become a teachers assistant and then customer service followed by being a housewife even when kids were in fulltime school.
my brother has threatened my husband and harassed him previously sending email to his work playing a victim that they aren't as rich as him and therefore my brother and his wife should be entitled to 100% of my late mother and my not even yet deceased fathers estate.
it doesn't matter they have never cared for or had nay concern for them. I had to fly from o/seas where i was living overnight as dad was rushed to hospital requiring a hernia operation. My brother lived 10mins away from the hospital and it was crickets.
his wife can easily get an engineers job paying well over 100k a year which means they would be financially comfortable and have ample savings.
my husband works his arse off, has good savings, bonuses went into investments and savings.
i remember watching a judge judy show and woman who was a corporate executive management decided after divorce to do a careers sabbatical and work minimum wage customer service at 30k a year.
her husband had sole custody and she wanted cs to be based on 30k salary instead of 100k plus.
judge judy said she has responsibilities and doesn't have the luxury of being a bum and playing victim
I love Judge Judy for this
I love Judge Judy for this reason! She'll just tell it like it is, no sugar coating, no beating around the bush. LOL!
I loved that particular episode because it truly addresses
The plenty of bio parents ordered to pay cs but try to do dodgy things and lie to pay the bare minimum in case of non custodial parents or for custodial parent to claim maximum cs when she is perfectly capable of working or is working secretly but claiming she's unemployed.
No more money. They are both
No more money. They are both capable adults. The more money is given or "gifted" the more they will keep coming around. Protect yourselves.
And it sounds like the DIL is using the kids as an excuse not to work. When my oldest brother was 13, we were all left in his care at times when my parents were working. I agree with other posters that this 13 year old would be able to handle things for a bit. Also, my parents worked opposite shifts when we were all little so one of them could be with us and they wouldn't have to worry about daycare. So, this DIL, in my opinion, is just trying NOT to work! There are options so she could return to work!
For the love of all that is holy I will NEVER understand capable adults mooching off of their parents and others.
Worse are the parents and others who tolerate
the moochers.
Helping out in the immediate
Helping out in the immediate aftermath is one thing. Now, though, they understand that SS "can't" return to his job. That means long-term plans need to be made.
The older two can stay home alone while DIL works. If they can't be trusted to watch the youngest, then they can go to after school care. DIL could also work an early morning shift, leaving SS to only have to get the kids off to school and she can still be "SAHM" when they get home.
THAT is the conversation your DH needs to have with his son, not tossing endless cash his way to stay afloat. Plus, what is $500 really going to do long-term? What SS and DIL need is a steady income. Little bits of cash is a bandaid on a bullet wound.
This needs to be a hill you die on. Tell DH no more money. If they are both trying and DH wants to offer to buy groceries once after they're both working or have a working plan, cool. But until they put in the effort to get themselves out of this hole, y'all need to stop digging yourself into one.
All your comments are so true and on point
My SS thinks he is entitled to DH help because DH has never shown him differently. Also, DH parents have both passed and they are well aware DH got 1/4 of the property sale and estate settlement. Mind you this wasn't a big chunk of money but SS felt like he should have been GIFTED family farm because he hunted on it. The siblings sold it as part of the estate so he has been mad about that ever since. He felt like we should have all found a way to give it to him. Plus I haven't forgotten all the stimulus money they received during the pandemic while he still worked and made money.
Grandkids aren’t inheritors of an estate
By law its the spouse and kids only. Ss is just an entitled greedy pig. this is just like my brothers wife claiming my brother should get majority of my parents estate because he is responsible for her happiness (aka unlimited shopping sprees) despite having no relationship with my elderly parents yet alone wanting to care for them in old age and ill health.
that has been all me, even when i lived overseas 5 yrs, hubby didn't think twice, it was an emergency to fly back to my mum or dad i was on next flight out with both our kids because it was the right thing to do.
my brother even tried to use his son is autistic as an excuse to justify getting more out of the estate. My brother and his wife do not do any activities with their son to encourage development, he is abandoned with an ipad all day long and into the evening. There is no communication between him and his sister.
they have a therapist come out expecting they work miracles and do nothing
in my fathers mind all grandkids are equal and they are not to be used to justify getting more inheritance. My brother met his wife on a datong app and within months was engaged and married very soon after
he had not built up adequate savings, wasn't in a stable job then cries victim claiming he needed to hang onto my late mothers estate money because he was still not in a permanent job (essentially using it as a mini piggy bank which is illegal)
then he criticises me and my husband for being in a better financial position. We don't spend frivolously, my husband is on call 24/7, we eat home instead of eating out (excluding anniversaries and birthdays etc), bonuses are put back into savings.
meanwhile my brothers stay at home housewife couldn't be bothered to cook meals at home, it was all prepackaged meals/take aways etc and shopping branded items when she was not working and they were living off 1 income
i later found out they had deposited my late mothers esttae money into their offset account so i was effectively paying off the interest/mortgage on their home for 6 years.
i hate greedy people and those that play victim when they're actively sabotaging their life and future and trying to claim stuff that isn't theirs
You sued them and filed charges….
Right?
If not, why not?
Nope rags, my father is in process of adding me as co-owner
To his home as this will not form part of the estate.
according to dad, my brother has no remorse, has not apologised and now his asian wife and inlaws are greedy pigs with excitement of a rich relative and trying to claim everything but doing nothing when he was truly sick and not well.
thats always been me. My dad always said it was easier to contact me when i was living overseas that it was with my brother.
my brother stupidly in writing to my husband stated in regards to my late mothers estate, when i as an inheritor asked about progress and specific things which by law i am authorised to enquire about and my brother is legally obligated to answer immediately, he intentionally went radio silent out of spite.
him and his wife deserve one another.
i didn't take legal action primarily because I remember my late mother before her death saying when people die, you will see peoples true colours and the greedy ones who will do all kinds of things and when the family fight, the deceased soul isn't at peace.
my late mothers estate overseas is worth way more than my country of birth. My brother and his wife are shitting their pants when i stated the illegal actions they took in the reckless mismanagement of my mums estate.
i am administrator of my mums estate overseas signed off by high court judge (this is the largest of her estate) and the lawyer had to tell my brother that islamically, it was unethical for him to claim shariah law where he gets 2/3 and i 1/3 when we were born and raised in Australia and he has never been financially responsible for me. The shariah law where he gets extra is to be kept solely for me incase of hardship like say my husband passes away etc and we're financially struggling but my brother and his idiot wife thinks its to fund their shopping sprees. lawyer said you were born and raised in australia, you haven't been following shariah law so don't try claiming you wanna follow it just because it benefits you. It also makes no sense claiming 50-50 in australia, 2/3 to 1/3 overseas because you need to be following 1 way of settling estate. My brother threatened to take me to court if i wanted to claim 50-50 in all estates even in Australia where common law exists. My mothers country of birth does not follow shariah law for muslims if they are citizens and residents of another country and their inheritors are not citizens or residents of her birth country.
my brother requested lawyer send him the official court doc that appointed me as administrator yet hypocritically any docs I requested off him we delayed or not sent and heavily redacted, like him and his wife's joint bank acct pocketing my mothers estate money when by law a separate bank acct had to be created showing all incoming and outgoings.
instead the heavily redacted bank statement showed his wife's shopping. Karma is coming for them. In fact my brother has started contacting family members of my dads whom he has never had contact with spewing lies about me- something not tolerated in the country overseas that my mums estate is. My family members are smart and contacted my dad immediately
my stupid brother called my dads younger sister with lies about me and my dad claiming dads house was given to me. Reality is it hasn't yet as at the time my brother hadn't settled my mothers estate in australia that consisted of 2 bank accts that didn't require letter of probate from courts as under the specified amount, tombstone and funeral costs and it took him from her death in early june 2015 till late april 2021 to finally pay me
he had the audacity to blame covid for the delays and the fact his wife and 2 kids went overseas for a holiday when our country's prime minister had warned borders would be slammed shut any moment and indefinitely and for 4 months she couldn't get a flight back home. How is that my problem? It isn't.
he did the whole bleeding heart story sending me pics of his high blood pressure meds, they're all irrelevant and if you are incompetent in managing the estate and believe there will be delays, you must inform the inheritors of this as they could take over and manage it expeditiously.
Karma has a way of getting these people good. Heck my brother threatened to take me to court if he didn't get maximum inheritance. He wanted to hypocritically follow shariah law for my mums estate overseas and try claim same thing in australia. He in secret withdrew money out of my mothers (birth country) estate using shariah law then goes to my dad they gave me all this money so he had to keep it despite his agreement with me he would split 50-50.
he chose to not tell overseas public trustee that we had to go 50-50. It was intentional to do it in secret so as to make it almost impossible to take legal action in singapore and it would be difficult to take legal action here. He thinks he's smart but he and his wife really aren't. He was required by law in our country to advise me when he was applying to overseas estate etc.
I can't wait for it to be over and never deal with him again. Recently they've been faking a relationship with my dad with an alterior motive including his wife. My dad isn't buying any of it. Even my husband has a headache with my brother harassing him.
my brother refused to discuss with me regarding my mums estate in overseas and my husband had to tell him you cannot involve me. The courts require you and your sister to come to an agreement. Cue in my brothers idiocy "I don't know why you won't help me, my sister should get nothing and you should be helping me with that" this was right after him claiming he wanted to follow things islamically as he feared god. The biggest hypocrite ever and my husband simply told him to not insult islam because he has no understanding of islam and he just proved it.
to top things off, he dumped my mum who was half paralysed from a stroke and suffering cognitive issues, in a rural bed and breakfast in the middle of nowhere at 11pm, next day dumps her in a backpackers hostel and tells her to pay the accommodation herself.
he has no shame. We kept calling him me and my dad to find out where my mum was. My parents were divorced almost a decade at this point and my brother refused any messages or calls. Eventually my mum called me later on and we picked her up and she lived in my dads home as its very big. I handled majority of all bills groceries etc from my salary for a decade. My father has never forgotten that. My mother told us so many stories about my brother and his wife. His wife stole my mums jewellery and pawned it on gumtree to fund her shopping sprees. My brother claimed mum lost them in public which is nonsense. Even post stroke she always kept her jewellery at home in her jewellery box/pouch.
The worst
They use the autism to get your sympathy and being jealous of your financial situation you work and sacrifice for. My sister is also like them, she has always been mistreated, bad luck, cheated out of promotions, but everyone else should come to her financial aid because they have money compared to her. After the property fiasco DH and I redid wills and trusts so things are set now should something happen to us.
Yes its horrible and its my father who told me what
Hypocrites they were because even with their autistic kid or their daughter who doesn't have autism, they aren't doing anything to interact with that kid. He's left in a corner glued to an ipad all the time for fear he'll have a meltdown.
my kids both have speech delays and we recently found out that they have a gene duplication which explains why there are delays in development and speech but i never use this to justify anything.
even my dad said my grandkids are on equal footing. My brother doesn't get more inheritance just because his son is autistic and its not my elderly dad's responsibility to financially take care of grandkids, its the parents.
the thing is, my brother and his wife think i'm sitting at home going on daily shopping sprees buying designer handbags frequently except i'm not. I'm home taking care of our then minor kids. Taking care of my inlaws or elderly fil when he visits from interstate.
our better financial situation has come with alot of sacrifice and we were separated for over 2 yrs due to border closures and my husband couldn't even get a flight as he was working overseas as an essential worker on contract. Things were not at all easy for us so my brother gets no sympathy from me