Clothes – My Issue
Help! I’m struggling with the clothes issue. I know it’s petty and it shouldn’t bother me but when SSon’s clothes (that we bought) disappear it’s like sand between my toes. I have been working hard not to let it get to me, I haven't said a word about it to DH for months, it doesn’t bother DH when they wear clothes that we’ve bought to BM’s, but it bothers me and here’s why:
BM never sends back the clothes. EVER. DH has to “remind” SSons repeatedly to bring stuff back, translation, he yells at SSons.
It came to a head this week. Temperatures have been below zero all week. SS11 gets dressed for school and he’s wearing a short sleeve t-shirt. I ask him to put a turtleneck on under the t-shirt and he complains because it’s not cool enough to wear to school.
DH hears this conversation and flies off the handle. He tells SS11 that if he would wear the clothes back here that we bought, instead of wearing summer t-shirts here in the middle of winter, then he’d have enough “cool” warm clothes to wear. SS11 then put on a long sleeve t-shirt.
A little background: BM is supposed to provide clothes for the boys. She only sends clothes if DH specifically asks because we ran out. We return the clothes that don’t fit or are not appropriate for the season. She doesn’t like them to wear jeans so they usually wear nylon type athletic pants with zippers or snaps on the legs.
In fall we bought each SSon a pair of jersey lined cargo pants, a pair of flannel lined jeans, 2 long sleeve shirts (we let SSons pick out there own), one sweat shirt, and a coat.
As of today the following items have disappeared:
Jeans (SS11)
2 long sleeve shirts (SS11)
Sweat shirt (SS11)
Cargo Pants (SS7)
1 long sleeve shirt (SS7)
Sweat shirt (SS7)
And our weekend is this weekend so SSons will have to wear what little warm clothes we have left. And I know DH will be yelling at them yet again. This irritates me even more than the missing clothes.
I told him when we bought the clothes that he should just tell SSons they are for our house but he didn’t. And now it’s July 4th in January clothing wise at our house.
I told DH the following yesterday:
“I understand and accept that you don’t feel that same way I do about the clothes we buy ending up at BM’s house. But now we are stuck – there are not enough warm clothes for the boys to wear here this weekend. I was trying to avoid a situation like this by not letting the boys wear the clothes to BM’s. It is my wish that this issue would be important to you because it is one of the few SSon related issues that is important to me.”
He acknowledged what I said and hasn’t said a word about it since, and neither have I. I’m dreading this weekend I know DH will be having arguments with SSons over their clothes. And it could have been avoided.
Thanks for letting me vent. I realize in the grand scheme of things that there are so many other step issues that are way more important.
~BettyRay
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Comments
Done It
DH has already e-mailed BM and called her about sending warm clothing. But she's a scatter-brain so it will be wait and see.
Last year when this happened DH ended up sending SS11 (10 at the time) back to her in shorts because he had worn all his pants to her house. BM had been dropping him off at b-ball practice in shorts and never sent any pants for him. :?
BettyRay
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"PROBLEMS ARE ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN WORK CLOTHES."
-Henry Kaiser
heres what we do
SD gets send home on sunday am in the same clothes she is wearing when he picks her up fri nite. we dont even wash them (w the exception of undies). if the clothes are too dirty to wear during a 15 card ride, then they are too dirty to wear over to our house. PERIOD.
nothing gets sent back and forth bc it never gets sent back. or it does, but months later when its out of season or the kid has outgrown them. thanks BM. we keep a minimal amount of cheap clothes and hand me downs from DHs niece on hand for her to wear when we have her.
i dont know what ur arrangement is, but this works for us.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Had Been Doing This As Well
We do this on the weekends and it works out well.
But we added 2 nights during the week (to help BM out) and this is when it gets screwed-up because the week nights aren't back to back. And with all their extra-activities at night it's hard to get the laundry washed and dried in time to wear the next day.
~BettyRay
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"PROBLEMS ARE ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN WORK CLOTHES."
-Henry Kaiser
see what happens when u help ouut BM???
betcha wont make THAT mistake again!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Kicking Myself
The whole clothing issue was in check until the extra nights started.
I don't mind having the boys more but it's opened up a can of worms with BM.
She's also started calling on these nights interrupting our dinner. I put my foot down on that one. DH puts his cell on vibrate and I turn the ringer off on the land line. We have the boys call BM back after we finish eating.
The worst night was when BM called at 5PM (for SS11), then 5:20PM (again for SS11), and 6PM. That's when I lost it.
~BettyRay
________________________________________________________________
"PROBLEMS ARE ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN WORK CLOTHES."
-Henry Kaiser
we cut down visitation bc of this
we had some really bad issues though, including harassment. but when we cut out the twice weeknite visits, our life improved DRAMATICALLY. it was so much more hassle than it was worth for just an hour or two. so sad that the BMs make it like this.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Thank goodness we aren't the only ones!
My SS is 3, almost 4 and he wears anywhere from a 4-5T. His Crazy :evil: enjoys sending him in sweatpants 3T in November when it is 70 degrees outside and underwear that are a size 6. My favorite were the Big Dog boxers that he showed up in one time. The clothes that he comes in are the ones that he goes back in with the exception of clothes that are too small- this happens on a regular basis or clothes that are filthy and stained. I actually just picked up a bag of 3 shirts from 6 months ago that she dropped at the daycare- she made the teacher sign a paper saying that she was dropping off 3 shirts. Give me a break!
"What you do to children; they will do to society." ~Karl Menninger
Underwear Issues Too
SS7 is sent in undies that are either a size too small or cotton boxers that are way too big.
As a result he has not been wearing undies at either house. DH or I started doing a wasteband check the mornings that he's here to make sure he's wearing underwear.
We just bought him the right size hoping it would solve the "going commando" problem.
~BettyRay
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"PROBLEMS ARE ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN WORK CLOTHES."
-Henry Kaiser
This has been an issue at our house too
We bought the skids new school clothes at the beginning of the year and almost everything we bought has made its way over to BM's and of course has not been returned. It has been an ongoing battle with the clothes. But of course if we don't send something back from her house BF gets a screaming phone call from her. Last week he really lectured them about the clothes thing. They will wear their nice clothes from our house to school on Friday mornings and then when we get the kids back the following Friday they are dressed in rags from her place. No more. I have been making a point to make sure they are wearing whatever they had on when they came when they go back. It is still frustrating though because the exchanges take place after school and she will send them to school on Fridays in clothes that have holes, too small, not weather appropriate, etc. and I hate sending them to school wearing rags but don't have a choice unless we want to continue to buy nice clothes for them only to go to BM's and not come back.
11 yo
Since he is 11 yo he is old enough to make sure that he gets his clothes back and forth. I would say, if the clothes aren't returned I will be taking you shopping at Goodwill or Salvation Army and you can pick out anything that you want.
Goodwill/Thrift Mart
DH and I talked to SS11 and if the clothes are not returned then we will be happy to take him shopping at Goodwill, Salvation Army, St. Vincent DePaul or Thrift Mart.
The look on his face was priceless.
He's an immature 11 y.o. so I think I see a trip to Goodwill in our future.
~BettyRay
________________________________________________________________
"PROBLEMS ARE ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN WORK CLOTHES."
-Henry Kaiser
This is what we do
When I first meet H SD was 3 1/2
-BM supplied the clothes (they were play clothes)
--the problem with this is when they went to church, she didn't have anything decent to wear
Then H moved in with me SD was 4 1/2
-I bought SD all new clothes, my/his family gave her clothes
--Problem we wouldn't get the clothes back for a month or so
Since SD was 6
-I wash her clothes from BMs over the weekend, send them in SDs bag for school on Monday.
--The rule for SD "If the clothes from my house are not returned before her next weekend with us (2 weeks time) than that following Monday SD will have to wear BMs clothes to school (returning her to BM)"
BM was very upset the few times that SD did not return our clothes and had to wear BMs again on Monday. BM says that SD is embarrassed to wear the clothes she wore on Friday again on Monday. "Well....if she does not follow the rules she must deal with the consequences."
BM says "well the rule at my house is if SD does not get her clothes in the waste basket I don't wash them" BM stated in a nasty letter, one that SD had read.
H called "My rules, SD is responsible for the clothes. They must be returned timely."
Needless to say, SD has returned the clothes to us within 2 wks time (actually got them back 2 days later this time). We have not had a problem since.
But I have to say I always take care that BMs clothes are not stained and returned clean. BM has done the same, although in the past not on time.
For me, I think that it is more difficult for us non custodial parents becuz we don't have money BMs do. After the child support and caring for our own children we don't have much left. Any items bought for SD we simply can't afford to replace.
SD lies about me constantly (though not for the last month!!)and thinks she has it so bad, so does BM. After reading some of these post I KNOW our situation is not so bad, we actually get along better than most. Which is scary!!
Natural consequences
I agree with Sparky. The 11yo especially should be able to dress himself in appropriate clothing and be responsible for bringing the appropriate clothes to your house. If he has to wear a tank top in January because he doesn't bring hoodies back from BMs, oh well. He'll just have to be cold. I know that sounds harsh, but if the cold bothers them, then they'll learn and if it doesn't bother them, then it shouldn't bother you. I used to fight SD7 about shoes all the time. She came home from BMs in flip flops and all of her 10 or so pair of tennis shoes/boots/etc. would be at BMs. I yelled, got stressed, got embarassed (I refused to take her to the store in flip flops in the snow) but it did no good. I would end up driving to BMs the 1/2 hour each way to get appropriate shoes. Finally I got fed up. If she's okay wearing flip flops in the snow, then it doesn't bother me. If someone makes a comment about it, I tell them they'll have to talk to BM and SD because it's not my responsibility. I buy appropriate shoes, I can't make her wear them. A few times of me refusing to drive to BMs and get her different shoes, she started packing tennis shoes in her backpack. Could that work for you?
GOSH~
What is with these women??? I swear I go through the same thing. I dispise the way BM dresses SS. Even down to the shoes. I understand that little boys like to wear shoes with the superheros on them (whici I hate) so we buy his shoes and coats (the items that HAVE to be sent back and forth) normally. BM can't afford to pay attention much less provide these itmes for her own son. HOWEVER, her dad takes her shopping for him everyonce in a while which I am extremely grateful for, for SS's sake. This way he actually gets to wear something NEW over there and not a hand me down from God only knows where that is 3 or 4 sizes to big or 2 inches too short. But when her dad DOES take her shopping she has to buy him the UGLIEST batman shoes I have ever seen. I HATE THOSE SHOES, and so does FH. Luckily, they are already getting holes in them, so I am buying him new ones this weekend. It shouldn't surprise me. I have seen the way she dresses... so it's a wonder he even has a bath while he it there.
This is the main reason we demand our clothes back. She dresses him like they live on the streets (which is ALMOST true, give it a month and that's where she'll be). I used to get worked up about it. Now I just hold the FEW nice items that she (her dad) has purchased hostage until I get mine back. I refuse to send him to school in some of the clothes she sends him in, (i.e. HUGE FUBU pants, just doesn't look right on a skinny little boy, they just HANG on him and make him look like a little gang banger, those "accidently" ended up in the wash with BD's brand new RED sweater OOPS.) So, I will continue to send him to school in the clothes we purchased him, but the really nice flight jacket his grandpa on her side bought, stays with us until I get ALL of our clothes back ; ) it has been working so far. I even hate the socks she buys, they are either WAY to big, or they are from the dollar store and make his feet smell like a swamp.
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )
getting clothing back
I understand this completely I had to do several things but it is now worked out. One thing my kids are is well dressed. Both like to dress in nice clothes and matching clothes and shoes. So a couple years ago when BM was sending my SS in shoes that didn't fit, about 2 sizes to small, I sent over 6 pairs of almost brand new shoes and told my SS's they could keep them over at BM's house. She makes sure they always have at least 1 pair of shoes that fit now because she didn't like the stepmom showing her kids that mom wasn't doing her job. It could back fire but this BM thinks she is the greatest mom on earth so it worked putting the guilt trip on her. Also sometimes before we dropped the kids off I used to have BF call BM and tell her to get our clothes ready so that when we dropped off the kids we could pick them up and if she didn't I would send the kids in have them get all the clothes and give them to us before we left. A few times of this and it became routine. If you still can't work the problem out I agree with sparky that you should just go get them a bunch of cheap clothes and just tell them that when they can show you they can remember to bring the clothes back they can go back to getting nicer things.