Meltdowns of SS - Help!
SS12 has been having behavioral problems lately. He has had 3 meltdowns in the last 4 weeks. He gets very aggressive and tries to hurt SS7 and BM. The last time BM called DH to try to calm SS12 down. When DH got to BM’s house SS12 had locked BM and SS7 out of the house. SS12 then crawled out a window and tried to attack DH when he saw him. DH had to physically restrain SS12.
When DH released SS12 he attacked DH again. DH restrained him again. DH finally got SS12 to calm down and SS12 was in tears. SS12 won’t tell DH or BM why this keeps happening. DH has attempted to get SS12 to open up and talk but SS12 will not talk.
All of the meltdowns have happened when SS12 is at BM’s house. They were triggered when BM was disciplining him. As DH is not there to witness how these meltdowns are triggered we are at a loss as to how to correct the behavior.
SS12 has not done this when he is in our care (DH and I have the boys for 10 overnights a month). He is doing well at school.
DH is in regular contact with his teachers and they have nothing but positive things to say about SS12.
DH has made an appointment for SS12 to start counseling. But SS12 doesn’t want to go. DH is afraid SS12 will isolate himself from us out of anger because SS12 sees counseling as a punishment.
I was wondering if any of you have experienced skids behaving this way. Any thoughts or suggestion would be appreciated.
~BettyRay
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Comments
Hugs to you and your DH.
Hugs to you and your DH. That must be very difficult to deal with. I don't have any personal experience, but was wondering if your SS might be more receptive to counseling if it's proposed as something that will help your DH know how to deal with him when the meltdowns happen. If he feels it's not solely his 'problem' he might be more willing to go along with it. Good luck.
Counseling
This is how DH presented counseling it to SS12. He stressed it's not a punishment for SS12 but a person SS12 can talk to, to help SS12 be able to express his feelings without fear or guilt.
~BettyRay
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"PROBLEMS ARE ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN WORK CLOTHES."
-Henry Kaiser
Has your DH tried talking to
Has your DH tried talking to the BM to find out why he is reacting to her this way? This doesn't seem like it happened b/c of an isolated event. Has your SS been building up this agression as a result of what BM is doing/saying to him? Does he feel belittled or like maybe she is playing favorites? Maybe it is time for a change of scenery for your SS? Can he come stay with you guys for the summer, once school lets out?
Yes DH has tried
DH has tried to talk to BM many times about what is going on at her house. BM has told DH that SS12 just explodes when she disciplines him, that's all BM says. DH has asked her if anything has changed at their house i.e. the routine, house rules, etc. BM always says nothing has changed.
DH has also suggested that we take SS12 fulltime for summer. BM wouldn't respond to DH regarding this.
SS12 did mention recently that DH and I give him a lot of "leash" at our house but we know when to yank his "leash" back and BM doesn't.
I suspect BM isn't consistent with discipline, so SS12 doesn't know where the line is and when he's crossed it cause sometimes the behavior is okay with BM and other times it's not depending on BM's mood.
We're at a loss as to what to do.
~BettyRay
________________________________________________________________
"PROBLEMS ARE ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN WORK CLOTHES."
-Henry Kaiser
We were having the same
We were having the same problems we got SS9's councelors involved and made a new schedule w/ out court.The councelors suggested this to BM and she agreed to it. We went through alot of violent outbursts.He should see someone if he is not comfortable talking to family.I found part of my SS's trigger for his violence toward BM./ BM would threaten SS with "Im gonna call your daddy and he is going to beat you" and other times BM physically man handled SS into an ice cold shower!! Please get your SS into see someone kids dont act that way unless something really traumatic has happened or still is going on. Best of Luck to you all.
I agree that this is more a BM issue than a SS-12 issue.
However, I would tend to blister his butt (spank him) if he pulled that crap with me or my other child.
Dad should sit him down and let him know in no uncertain terms that he will not be violent with his Sibs, his Dad, Mom or anyone else. If he is, he will get his butt paddled warmly.
Corporal punishment is appropriate if it is consistent and reasonable. Chucking a kid in to a cold shower and threatening them with "Dad" is physically and mentally abusive IMHO.
It sounds to me that BM is inconsistent with her discipline and that SS-12 is confused and overwhelmed by her inconsistent discipline. Regardless, IMHO SS-12 needs some specific and very unpleasant consequences for his actions if he chooses to repeat them.
And I would for sure get him to a Therapist ASAP before someone gets hurt.
Good luck with this one. It's a tough one.
My own SS (then 15) freaked out on me once and threw a punch at me. I restrained him until he calmed down then we had a long discussion to figure out what happened. I had been on his case for quite a while that day and he finally did not know what I wanted from him. That is all on me. Previously he and I had discussed that if at any time either of us was at a point where we were so frustrated with the other that we were getting angry that it was OK to walk away. I was on his case and he walked away. I told him to "get back here", put my hand on his shoulder to turn him around. He took a swing at me. I grabbed him by the front of his clothing, pulled it tight and put him against the wall. He freaked, he was spluttering, hissing, grunting, etc ... I finally had to let go with one hand and whack him on the back of the head with my open fingers accompanied with a firm "KNOCK IT OFF!" He snapped out of it and we were able to talk it out.
Based on my experience with my SS I would say that BM is not consistent and that SS does not know how to deal with her ambiguity and likely very "in his face" disciplinary methods.
I learned my lesson on this the hard way. The problem was not my SS's, the problem was entirely mine.
Best regards,