But the kids won't like me!!!
We are at FH's great-grandmother's house for the Labor Day weekend. His father and step-motehr are here too and, as usual, 2 of the the skids are acting like I am the anti-christ. I try - really - to avoid problems when we are here but it seems like something always comes up. As bad at confrontation as FH is at home, he is even worse up here because his fear of his own children goes into overdrive.
Any time - and I mean ANY time - the skids (12, 14, and 16) are corrected in even the mildest way they have a complete meltdown. Essentially it is outrage that someone would dare to criticize them. They shout back at him, stomp around, cry and then pout for hours. I have never seen anything like it outside of the most melodramatic movie.
Yesterday when we were taking a nap, one of the skids cam into our room twice for totally BS reasons, waking us up, which was bad enough. But the worst is that she came in WITHOUT KNOCKING. They do this constantly at home and I have told FH multiple times that this is unacceptable. He counters - as always - with "their mother allows it so what am I supposed to do?" None of my "Uhm....make our own house rules and act like a f*cking parent?" seems to get through.
Well, yesterday I snapped at her "Don't you knock???? This is a private room and you are supposed to knock before coming in!" Since I am doing my best to keep peace with the spoiled little darlings in order to keep FH from blowing up at me, I usually avoid any "correction" and personally I think this was pretty damned mild! However, FH was pissed at me for being "harsh" with the little princess. I insisted that HE speak to her then and he got really annoyed - as he always does when he is required to actually parent and have them think that he is not their best buddy in the whole wide world. And what did he say to her? That it upset ME to have people not knock!!!
When I told him that was BS and he needed to actually address the issue, his excuse was that he was worried that, if he actually told her that her behavior was wrong, she would freak out and cause a scene in front of his parents and grandmother. So basically he told her that I was being irrational and a bitch and not to worry her little princess head. Because he is AFRAID OF HIS OWN DAMNED CHILDREN!
He is afraid that they will not like him, will not want to come to his house and that they will tell his ex that he is mean, causing her to bitch at him and then he will have to kiss her fat ass. Because that is what he has been told (by her!) is appropriate or he will damned well pay.
At home the excuse to avoid confronting them about bad behavior is that he is too tired, that we are about to go out to dinner, that they have been better recently (really?), that it was not that bad, that they are having a bad day, that he can't find time to talk to them privately......the list is endless. Bottomline is that he doesn't want to parent and I am rapidly losing respect for a man who will step to me in a heartbeat but is afraid to correct his own children. It is unmanly and weak and just plain sad.
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Comments
Wow. He should be worrying
Wow. He should be worrying about whether YOU like him. It's amazing to me how willing men are to take their partner's love for granted but not their children's. Your love is a choice and a gift....they're stuck with one another for life. Kids hold the "love" and "approval" over their parent's heads AS IF they could trade them in for a better one. And the parent falls for it. It kills me.
I totally get what you're saying about losing respect for your man. That happened with me and my ex. It's so unattractive to see a man being led around by a child like he's a bull with a ring in his nose.
I wish I had some helpful advice other than wine because whine doesn't work. ;-).
Honey....I've felt the same
Honey....I've felt the same thing....but at the end of the day....those r HIS kids n HE is the parent....the sooner u focus on all of the GREAT things about ur husband that made u fall in love with him, the better ur relationship will be. Also-u need to be polite, so try asking the kids if they can knock the first time they do it-then ask them to leave the room, shut the door n knock to enter if they do it again bc at the end of the Fay-it is ur life n house too, so if u aren't comfortable n respected in ur own house...then make arrangements to leave when they r around-eventually ur husband will get the idea. U just need to make sure that u explain it is their behavior u have an issue with, not the kids themselves.
But if ur DH is reluctant to make rules-make ur own!! Hopefully the kids will respect u for it, but ur approach needs to b sweet n loving or it will just come across as u picking on his kids, but ur marriage n life will b much better if u focus on ur husband n maybe just find other things to do at least some of the time...n invest in a lock for ur door!
good luck!!
That has indeed been my
That has indeed been my response and, predictably, that engrages him because it calls his manhood into question. It is an ugly situation and getting worse by the day. He is a different person when those kids are involved. I regret very few things in my life but I regret ever meeting those kids. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I should have kept things casual with him until they were adults and out of the house.
beyond -- he probably won't
beyond -- he probably won't change much over the years with the kids. I guess the quesion you need to ask yourself is, is this something you can learn to live with? Like some of the others said, finding ways to do things when they are around....etc. Those kids do have them wrapped around their fingers tight and that won't change unless he gets some courage.
Knowing what I know now, I wish I wouldn't have gotten married, at least not to a man with children. I wis I would have stayed single. It was less irritating, and I was much happier. I love my husband, but if I could have had a do-over, I'd do it a lot different. I wouldn't marry him.
The sad thing is, if he
The sad thing is, if he carries on acting like piece of wet rag with his children, they won't end up liking or respecting him in the end. It's a pity he can't see this. It's already happened with you. I think the writing may be on the wall for this relationship, unless he sees the light soon.