I think I want to leave my husband
We've had a lot of drama from BM since we got married. Multiple false allegations made to CPS, calls to the police, all kinds of accusations made through her lawyer periodically. My own kids' names have been included in court documents. I'm constantly painted as some kind of monster. My husband agreed that we can't keep fighting and putting our two kids at risk anymore. The next time BM does something, it could mean an investigation from CPS.
But then SD's therapist called my husband and now he wants to go back in for more. It's about the room again. Every time we've offered SD a new bedroom downstairs, she turns it down. But then she goes home and complains that she doesn't have a room. She told the therapist that she wants the room we offered her, yet when she's here she asks if she can sleep in DD7's room and then DD7 ends up sleeping with me. So my husband called me today to say that "Everything will be fine once SD has that room."
Right, BM will just become a normal, non-vindictive person once SD has that room. The room she keeps turning down when we offer it to her. The next thing will be that I keep a bunch of my clothes in that closet and that won't be acceptable, even though I also keep things in the closets of the other kids as well. It'll be too cold or too hot, too far away from the rest of us. The furniture won't be good enough. If it's not something to do with the room it'll be something else....
When I told my husband all of this, he told me that I'm just an unhappy person and that I need some counselling so I can work on myself. So now he's gaslighting me for not wanting to put up with this shit show anymore after years and years of dealing with BM's antics that have threatened me and my children.
So I'm going to a lawyer next week.
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Comments
Why is this bedroom a big
Why is this bedroom a big deal? In your other blogs it appeared that SD only came for day visits, no overnights.
Besides that you are arguing over a bedroom and it's bigger than that. Your DH has brought this mess into your life yet doesn't give you a say on how it's handled. You only get the shit that rolls down hill and puts yourself as well as your bios at risk.
Why deal with that?
If it were me I would have moved out, or he would have. Either way I WOULDNT subject myself to criminal charges for ANYONE.
The BM won't change. The SD won't change. Your DH won't change. All have proven that over and over again.
OH, yes it's definitely
OH, yes it's definitely bigger than the room. It's the whole situation that has escalated in the last year or so. The room is a big deal because BM has decided that it's what she wants to pick on right now. So she convinces SD that she's being treated unfairly because she currently doesn't have her own room. Of course no one mentions the fact that it's by her own choice that she's been sleeping elsewhere when she visits. And yeah, these people don't seem to understand that a room should not be a big deal for someone who only visits 4 days each month. Her TRUE room is at BM's house where all of her things are. She only has a few sets of clothes and not very many belongings at our house.
Binky, is there any reason
Binky, is there any reason why SD was not simply told "this is your new room"? And, given that room, told that is where she sleeps? NOT in DD's room. NOT on the couch. NOT anywhere else.
I don't blame you for being upset. All of this unnecessary drama, the threat of CPS, trying to protect your children AND have a successful marriage AND try to deal with SD and BM and their sh!tshow antics. And your DH will likely continue to do whatever he can to be part of SD's life, so he will cater to her and BM at every turn.
You might want to talk to a counselor because you seem so down. {{hugs}}
Thanks, I'm feeling very
Thanks, I'm feeling very broken after the big fight we had this morning (and being told that it's my fault for being such a miserable person).
My husband is afraid of BM and SD. He refuses to make SD do anything because he doesn't want to appear to be "mean" and he doesn't want her going home to complain about anything. So if we just said "this is your new room", then we're the bad guys because heaven forbid anyone tell SD what to do. Now we've got some therapist who refuses to talk to me telling my husband how we need to arrange our home. It's infuriating.
Sweetie... you're husband is
Sweetie... you're husband is a damn fool. BM has NO right to dictate what goes on in someone else's home.
And I'd be telling that therapist to eff right off. Sounds like some child-centric, first family idiot.
What will your husband do if you step waaaaaaaay back? Since what you say/do seems to never be what he wants, disengage in a big way and do your own thing.
And if this is an SD weekend, I would do my best to take my kids and be gone most of the time.
Stepping way back is
Stepping way back is basically my other option. I've considered taking my kids and leaving for the weekend if he says SD is coming. That way, if he TRULY wants a relationship with his daughter, he can have one. I'm not stopping him from spending the entire weekend with her alone. But I know if I did that, he would just say she doesn't need to come and then be mad at me for it....
And yeah, I suppose I could stay but just disengage. Let him handle the room transition, provided my things aren't touched. If I would normally take SD somewhere with me - shopping, church, etc. - I would instead just take my two kids and leave her at home with my husband.
Frankly, he NEEDS to spend
Frankly, he NEEDS to spend one-on-one time with HIS kid. She is not YOUR responsibility. Make your own plans, let SD come, then you and your kids leave. He doesn't want to be alone with SD because he doesn't want to parent. Boo hoo.
If you're going to stay with him for the time being, move your things OUT of SD's "future" room..
This is exactly what I was
This is exactly what I was thinking Aniki. The kid should just simply be told that this is her new room and end of discussion there is no abuse going on here. Just a bunch of hissy fits and drama from the SD and BM. YSS used to sleep on the couch all the time and DH would let him because he didn't like sleeping in his room. One time I was getting ready for work one morning and YSS was sleeping on the couch like usual. It was summer vacation and the skids were at our house for a month. When I got home from work that day YSS tells me you need to be more quiet so you don't wake me up in the morning. I didn't say a word. So when my DH got home I told him that we needed to talk and I told him that I wasn't dealing with YSS sleeping on the couch any longer and I wasn't going to be told by a child that I needed to be more quiet in my own house. So DH took care of it and now YSS sleep in his own room. It took awhile but consistency does work.
I don't think you've
I don't think you've overreacted at all to this situation, and I think your husband is being an ass for telling you that any of this is your fault. If anything, you're the one that carries all the burden. Your husband is a shitty parent, he doesn't want to interact with his child, he only wants to spend time with her if you and your kids are there, he doesn't protect you and your kids from the allegations being made by a crazy BM . . . and yet it's your fault.
I wouldn't blame you if you ultimately decided to leave, and I would absolutely talk to a lawyer just to get the lay of the land. You don't deserve to be treated the way he's treating you. You don't deserve to be on this roller coaster with him and SD, where one minute he's telling you he's going to drop the rope and SD won't be welcome in your home, and the next minute he can't wait for her to be back and you should be bending over backwards to accommodate her every desire (while he avoids her). He should be protecting you and your kids from the ridiculous accusations BM and SD are making and making you the priority. It's not as if you have not told him what YOU want multiple times. The way he's handling this is total BS.
Thanks for the support. I was
Thanks for the support. I was starting to feel like I was being unreasonable for feeling this way.
I punched mine in the jaw
I punched mine in the jaw once. It was rather liberating. Of course we were sparring... But still. He threw a fake punch at my face, and I proceeded to deck him. I would try something like that and knock some sense into him.
If you want to leave, you should. Protect your kids. When communicating with DH though if you want to give it one last ditch effort (seriously on the last, you shouldn't put up with this eternally). I find cold hard truths backed up with facts, and sometimes an outward comment helps... They seem mean sometimes... But they're blunt adn have a tendency to knock him back to reality. I use them selectively. I used one yesterday. He realized I was right and shaped back up pretty much immeadiately.
Thank you for the advice.
Thank you for the advice.
I can commiserate, DH is not
I can commiserate, DH is not as bad, but he has gaslighted me for years, though I never took it to heart, thank goodness. I can’t count how many times HE was the one that called ME crazy, when something involved BM, SD, or MIL. I do know they are crazy and can’t help themselves but he’s the one with the problem enabling them.
I did go full A-bomb on him when he started to take SD to group therapy. I told him he needed to go to the adult codependency while she was in her teen group. He told me I should go to the anger management group since I was an angry person. Oooooh! Darn tootin I was angry... at him. He lets SD and my MIL talk smack about me right in front of him. (I took steps to disengage and protect myself from both of them a long time ago —with no help from DH.)
I basically told him that he refuses to protect me from his crazy relatives, mentioning that I don’t force him to be around my one crazy aunt he hates, nor call him names because he doesn’t want to be around her. I get it. I also mentioned the reason I stay in this marriage is so my kids aren’t around the dysfunctional people he brings into his life (or will potentially bring into his life) without me there to protect them. He did apologize and agree to go to the group, until he got sick of going... but reality is that he’s unlikely to change. My SD is spoiled rotten (which she hopefully will grow out of) and manipulative, but not malicious, and maybe because of that we can save our marriage in the end.
Thanks for your reply. It
Thanks for your reply. It really helped to read this. I too feel like I need to stay because of my kids. If we separate, then he will have access to them without my presence and that scares that crap out of me because of the situation with BM and SD.
He will have access, but
He will have access, but without you there to parent them for him will he take visitation with them on a regular basis? Based on who your husband has proven to be with SD, he really doesn't want her around if you aren't there to do things with her. What makes you think it'll be different with your kids?
And as an extension of that are you ready for that possibility?
Your kids are safer from BM
Your kids are safer from BM if you separate. If DH is investigated by CPS, and you are separate, the kids would stay with you. DH's household would be ruled unfit, not yours.
Does your husband know you
Does your husband know you are getting close to the end? I feel like this is fixable, but your DH needs to get onboard. Right now, he's allowing a child to run all your lives, a risk for all of you as well. Do you think a third party might be heard better by him?
Very interesting!!!
Not your child. He picked BM to be her BM. They split up. He like a bobble head doll. Just bobbling yes, yes, yes. And it all your fault. Your have bigger problems. It’s DH.
You have to realize by now, nothing is going to make SD or BM happy, except causing drama in your home. And you and DH fighting over SD. With you getting abused by DH. What he is doing is abusing you for his problems. That he can not and may not be able to solve.
And you may not solve the DH problem.
Give SD the room. Have HIM and only HIM paint it. Fix it up ect but make him pay for it. And in three month no one will be using that room. So what, after a few I TOLD YPU SONyou got a new bed room you can move some on into. He will repaint ect.
It feels bad now
Take a few days to line up your ducks, either way you need preparation. Head space. This is a big deal - the calling of CPS - Ive heard that it can possibly end up with lost jobs/opportunities and losing of children - at best if the accusations are unfounded, its stressfull. I cant imagine what you must be going through. We also have a high conflict accusatory BM, Toxic Troll, and she has accused me of abuse, put disparaging remarks in court documents, accused DH of abuse and all the rest. She absolutely thrives on drama, and has tought her eldest Toxic Feral, how to be exactly like her. And they both know it!
I fear that your husband gaslighting you will push you further and further away. The SD refusing a room is the tip of the iceberg, I fee, and it seems indicative of how the dymanics will continue.
I think, that if you leave, you will feel like a heavy burden has been taken off of you. Try for being custodial parent. No 50/50. Based on how he is parenting now, it seems that the writing is on the wall.
Im sorry you are going through this!
How & why on earth does SD
How & why on earth does SD even get an option on what "room" she can sleep in is beyond me. Especially when its 4 times a month. I don't understand why this is even an issue and your H allowing BM to rule how things go down in your house is a violation on all levels.
I can only imagine how conflicted you must be but this right here is a hill to die on. What will it be next? If you lay down and let this go than what?