Double standards really do suck (RANT!)
I had read about them all over ST and it didn't really click til about now.
SD7 had been raised by MIL to be a nasty spoiled brat and who was alienated against her dad remember? Except now that she's with DH and I full time, as well as my BS4, she behaves a LOT better than before and I've finally found a way to be able to be ok with just being her stepmom (who actually does everything like a mom)...DH has put as much space as his conscience will allow between SD and MIL (SD sees MIL at least once a week) so I guess all in all everything HAS gotten better...
Well...almost everything...
Lately SD and I have been trying to convince DH to get her hair cut because although I do love it and love doing it, it's a bit of a hassle for everyone. It's a hassle for DH when he has to do her hair in the morning, it's a hassle for SD to get it thoroughly washed herself which usually I end up having to help her with it, and it's a hassle getting it to dry at night (they swear her hair has to be almost completely dry before she goes to bed...don't ask...). It's gotten really long and she has so much of it...I told DH it doesnt have to be short but at least a bit more than a trim and maybe they could thin it out a bit as well. He says he likes it like that (he really likes long hair but he doesn't like HIS own hair long...again...don't ask).
I asked him what was the difference with MIL cutting SD's hair without asking (which she ALWAYS does) and SD and me asking him...he gets all exasperated and asks me why it's such a big deal. Well, it's not such a big deal it's just...I don't get it...
I asked him then, "So, you're telling me, you don't want to cut her hair...and that's me ASKING you...but...why is it ok for MIL to do whatever she wants, WITHOUT even asking you...? You know I'm not going to go behind your back to to whatever I want..."
He says, "well, what, you want me to tell her she can't cut her hair? Why would I want to do that? I don't want her to flip out..."
And there's the truth...and that's how she had controlled him before I came into the picture and handed him his spine...or some of it anyway...
MIL knew that the ONLY way she could get away with doing whatever she wanted with SD was to tell DH (her own son) that he was a shitty father (knowing that he would believe her after starting to do everything for then baby SD) he didn't know what he was doing with SD, and flip out ANY and EVERY time he tried to exercise his right as the parent of SD. So her shutting him down each and every time he wanted to do things was her way of getting whatever she wanted because she knew how much her son hated confrontations.
He still does...apparently...
So if I throw a fucking fit, do I get my way too?? (not that I would, just to cut SD's hair; it's really not that important, I was just curious...and it's weird...maybe it's just me...)
I'm obviously going to let it go because it's not a battle worth fighting, especially if he's that uneasy about it...plus I'm supposed to be the "bigger person" or whatever...so...anywho...back to pretending like everything is fine...as per the norm...
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I know right? I had mentioned
I know right? I had mentioned about her hair growing back and he just stays silent (that's him avoiding confrontation lol)
Really didn't think my DH would be that kind of father...typical hispanic dad forbidding daughter to cut hair...it's just weird...
Yup! And that's how MIL
Yup! And that's how MIL gained control as well. He had/has a pretty bad schedule and was always working trying to get back on his feet after he left Psycho (BM). So MIL was the one who was with her most of the time.
When he got a new job, MIL convinced him to give her custody for "medical" purposes (insurance). After he had been at the new place for over a year and was covered by insurance, did he get custody back? Let's just say he brought it up about twice and both times MIL went into a rage. So that's a no.
It got so bad with MIL, he couldn't discipline SD at all because he would get "told on" by his own brat to HIS mother! And then she got SD calling her "mom" as well and she wouldn't correct her, even in public when SD was with both DH and MIL, she would introduce them to other people as her "mother" and father; DH has said that it was more than embarrassing.
He also didn't ever know where her clothes were. MIL has a terrible habit of hoarding everything, including clothes. So, any clothes SD grew out of, she still had and would still put on her (it's like she doesn't want her to grow!) but SHE had to dress SD because only SHE knew where the clothes that fit her were, of course another tactic for control.
He didn't get custody back until I came into the picture and questioned it (by then he had been working at the "new" place for 2 and a half years). By then MIL had everything how she wanted and no one could tell her "no"...well, except SD, which back then, I had heard that they would both get into screaming shouts (SD was about 4STB5 at the time). I'm not gonna lie, DH has been through a lot but it's all been his own doing. He's overcome a LOT because he has support from me and MY family. Oh yeah, guess who helped him move out of his parents house? His brother? His parents? Nope. MY parents, MY brother (who is also his best friend) and his wife and kids, and MY sister. We all went to his parents house and started moving his stuff (he would tell us what was ok to take) and we took the majority of his stuff to his new house (which is our house now). He didn't dare take any of SD's stuff that night though because MIL was there and she was being crazy (even though SD wanted to come with us, DH said he could barely handle moving, emotionally, he didn't know how he was going to handle trying to control SD). So him and I went over to his parents house one time while they weren't home and started taking all of the clothes HE had gotten because she got all crazy possessive about the clothes SHE had gotten SD. I got really pissed off because I also found like eight target bags full of clothes I had gotten for SD hidden away; DH told me that's a sign that she did not approve of the clothes and hid whatever she doesn't like so she remembers not to put it on her.
Good times....
Welcome to my life. DH and I
Welcome to my life. DH and I have had so many conversations about this. DH was single for many years when he and BM split. He lived right across the street from his parents. They watched the kids while he worked the night shift. And, his mom got used to being the primary caregiver. He had to transfer to another state for his job. His girls still live in their home state with BM. They still see MIL every other weekend. In our custody papers, we can go to the home state four times a year and visit them. Plus, we get holidays every other year and all summer. It annoys the crap out of me because he will actually call MIL if we come into town on her weekend with the girls. He calls her and asks her if he can get the girls that weekend!!! I literally want to scream, "they are your kids. Why are you asking her?" The last time we were there, his dad threw a fit because he didn't want to give up their time with them. I think it is absolutely ridiculous. Plus, I have to run it by her any time that I pick out clothes for them. She buys all their clothes and stuff. My DH wants me to act like a SM and spend time with them, but I can't even take them shopping?
I can understand why this
I can understand why this would annoy you. If SD wants her hair cut & if she was your BD then this would be a non issue because you could just take her to the salon & get it cut. However because she is your SD you are put in the position of having to ask your DH's approval. Perhaps since DH is so adamant that SD keeps her hair at an unmanageable length he needs to take over the drying and hair styling in the mornings? On the double standards front I think you've hit the nail on the head, I certainly found this to be the case in my own situation except it was with DH & BM. During the first few years of being together BM would also talk to my DH as if he was a piece of dirt & if she didn't get her way then she too would throw a fit. Usually this was linked to us having to change longstanding plans last minute because she likes to live in disorganised chaos & would want to dump SS on us on weekends / days we weren't scheduled to have him. Again my DH would go along with it because otherwise BM would throw a fit.I too was "the bigger person" for a long time & boy does it suck! Eventually after numerous arguments at home with me in order to pander to BM & avoid her histrionics I told DH he had a choice he could either stand up to BM and man up to her manipulative fit throwing whilst having a lovely peaceful home life or he could continue as is & live in a war zone at home.DH thought I was bluffing as I am usually a very calm person & it takes a lot to upset the apple cart with me. Well shortly after our chat the same thing happened but rather than being the "bigger person" I let rip and threw an almighty fit & basically acted completed out of character for me. DH was so shocked, let's just say thereafter those last minute changes stopped pretty quickly. Did BM throw an almighty fit?Yes & she still does from time to time but DH has learned to tune her out & not be manipulated by her bully boy tactics. Your DH needs to request his balls back from mommy dearest as he is a big boy now!