When Money Stopped Flowing, So Did Love
I worked hard during my early adulthood and saved even harder. I paid cash for my first (small) home. This house represents a significant piece of our retirement assets. My husband (we've been married for 20 years) had three children, ages 12, 13, and 16 when we met. My youngest step-daughter needed a lot of extra love and patience. We bonded tightly, or so I thought. My step-children are all successful, decent adults who have faced and overcome their own hardships. The youngest has always held an extra special place in my heart.
Five years ago, my husband accepted a position out of state. My youngest had just given birth to her first child. I agreed to let my daughter, grandchild, boyfriend 1, and their dog live in my house. The agreement was that she pay all the household bills and properly maintain the house. We agreed "properly maintained" meant keeping the house in as good, or better, shape than it was in originally. I charged her no rent and I paid zero bills. The household bills included homeowners insurance, a yearly termite contract, and property taxes -- totaling approximately $1800 per year (or $150 per month).
To summarize the last five years: grandchild 2 was born. Boyfriend 1 left. Dog died. Without my knowledge, she acquired two huge dogs (Rottweiler and Mastiff) and moved new boyfriend 2 (who has three children) into the house. When I visited them several months ago, I was deeply saddened by the deteriorating condition of the house and two acre yard. The yard was a wreck. It will cost at least 5k to repair and restore it to its original state. The inside of the house is clean, but no effort to maintain it has been made. Adding insult to injury was the entitled attitude of step-daughter. While I am pinching pennies, she is weekend vacationing, has bi-weekly spa appointments, collects rent on the home she used to live in, talks about the future of obtaining full time custody of new boyfriend's children. She purchased bunk beds so all five children could live comfortably in my house.
My husband found out he will be transferred "back home." He told SD that we will be moving back, giving her three months to make arrangements to move.
Not only is she not one ounce grateful for having lived rent-free in my house for the past five years, she, in the throes of a child-like tantrum, threatened to burn down my house, insisted she would leave only with a sheriff-aided eviction, called my husband the worst names she could think of, and has stopped talking to me, instead making masked, hateful comments about me on social media. Although her belongings are still in the house, she stopped paying the utility bills (which I stupidly left in my name so she wouldn't have to pay the hefty deposit), causing water service to be shut off and was two days shy of termination of electricity service. Her non-payment was not an oversight; it was a passive-aggressive snit. She has begun to weaponize the grandchildren, ages 5 and 3.
I don't know who this child is anymore. And yet, I wonder: did I raise her to be like this? Did I give her too much too easily? And then I become furious with myself for feeling guilty about reclaiming what is mine to begin with.
What do I do?? How do I deal with this whole mess?? My husband is saddened but not surprised by her behavior. He says this attitude has always been within her; it has just never been aimed at me. Their first series of conversations ended abruptly when she hung up on him after he called her an selfish ingrate. It was the second time in twenty years I heard him speak very harshly to her. Has anyone out there ever successfully dealt with this kind of thing? What should I do or not do? Help!!
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Comments
Take her at her word
Take her at her word and start eviction proceedings. They can take a while and some states make it more complicated than others. At least your husband is behind you. That is bigger than you would imagine. Many other members of this board have faced similar issues and the parent either refused to get involved or was actively supporting the adult child. Good luck to you!
Thank you. I've been mulling
Thank you. I've been mulling this over for almost two months and needed to hear some solid opinions -- with actions. Yes, husband is and has always publically stood beside me (even when I was wrong - he will disagree with me privately). I have the eviction notice in hand; I just have to put it in the mail. I feel gut-punched. For 20 years I have loved this person with all my heart. Yes, I've seen how she has treated others (exes) and it's time for me to take off the blinders. Twenty years is a big, bitter pill to swallow. Thank you sincerely.
Well - you didn't "raise her"
Well - you didn't "raise her", did you? She has two parents (I assume) and she came into your life at 12. So don't give yourself too much credit (or blame).
Seems to me the revolving door of boyfriends was a pretty big red flag. Anyway, evict her as requested.
Bitter Pills
No, I didn't raise her, but (there's that word) I'm the only person she calls 'Mom,' as hers literally danced on a pole until nobody would pay for "private dances." I loved her Hard because I thought she needed me. I know what my action plan has to be, and I'll do what I have to. Then I'll figure out how to wipe the egg off my face. I really do feel as though I've been punched in the gut and my heart is so, so heavy... Thank you sincerely for your thoughts and time.
Often, nice gets you nowhere
Often, nice gets you nowhere in steplife.
Your H's daughter may have inherited some mental instability for her mother. Regardless, she's screwing both her father and you.
Love comes in many forms. It's sounds like this woman needs some Tough Love right now.
Well, that may be that she
Well, that may be that she calls you mom - but by 12, people are pretty set in their personalities, and it sounds like she has been showing these signs for years. So don't take it too personally (which you are).
When you’re right...
...you're right.
I'm sorry for the pain you're
I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing. Many of us SMs have treated skids as our own and believed we were part of a family only to be used, abused, discarded and scapegoated by the skids we did so much for. I too have been burned by "family". I've come to understand that users use; takers take; and bad habits don't just disappear when we lend that helping hand.
I have an OSD who is a narcissist. The more we gave, the more she wanted - even using the gskids to exploit us. She has a filthy temper and learned to use it to cower others. Your husband's daughter also sounds as if she uses anger to control others. She's an entitled piece of ... work.
As I see it, you and your DH have two choices: allow his daughter to continue to exploit you, or put a stop to it. Either way, you need to face up to some hard truths about your husband's daughter:
Ideally your H should already have had a come to Jesus convo with his adult kid, but then again, if these weak fathers had been handling their business in the first place their kids wouldn't be such jerks. Had he done anything at all about this? Have you asked him to handle his daughter? Is she still in the home?
If I were you, I would file a police report in the town/city where your home is located to document the threats SD has made. You and your H should also go to the home and take pictures of all the damage. If SD is there and gets agro, call the cops. Then have an attorney draft a letter reminding her of the "family agreement" she agreed to, and demand she make ______ repairs, pay _____ amount in back utilities, and vacate the property by X date. Depending on how things go, you may have to evict and sue in small claims court.
I hope you follow through, and don't back down. Judges dont like seeing civil cases involving family members, but they reeally don't like cases where kids exploit their parents. And dont listen to sheeple who may try to guilt you about holding this adult skid accountable. You and your H are the victims here, and are going to need every penny for retirement.
Just wow. It feels like I
Just wow. It feels like I know you...or you know me. Your words are thoughtful and thought provoking. I can't say much more than thank you. I found this board today and I believe I've found some kindred spirits. Yes, I have some hard truths to face, and I will do so with as much grace and dignity as possible. Just as importantly, I need to grow the balls (ovaries?) and DO what I need to do. Exjuliemccoy, I don't know who you are, but I'm grateful you were here and took the time to write today. Your words hit home and have profoundly affected me. Thank you. Time to dust off; I have a lot to do.
My First Impression Here
I hope I didn't come across as a sniveling ninny. Although reluctant to involve the law for personal reasons (read I'll handle my own -- on my own), my husband contacted a lawyer almost immediately to ascertain the necessary steps needed to take for a legal eviction. The process takes 30 days plus 10 in this particular State. He has the paperwork in hand; it needs to be placed in the mail.
Her possessions remain in the house; she and her family are staying elsewhere because, I presume, she believes I will not pay "her" utility bills, and she doesn't want to deal with a potential utility shut-off.
ExJulie is 100% correct: she not only weaponizes her anger, (bully) she uses the children as pawns, (withholding) too. Interestingly, boyfriend 2 has contacted me several times, privately. He claims to be "embarrassed and appalled" by her actions and words. He has agreed to pay for the utilities they consumed if she does not (she won't) and he is currently working on emptying the house of their belongings while making promises to repair the landscaping. He has only been living there for 4-6 months. I believe him, but I don't know him well enough to trust him. I am very cautiously optimistic. He has a career whereby it is in the best interest of his future to "do the right thing," avoiding legal actions at all costs.
The timing probably couldn't be better to have her leave. She has been intermittently (FMLA) employed by the same company for 7 years, has reliable transportation, has a place to move into, and is in a steady, two-year-old relationship. I believe ALL of those things will implode within the next two years.
The realization that I have been so expertly played for so long by someone I loved dearly hurts deeply and is, frankly, embarrassing. I'm not what you would call street savvy, but I never thought I was a naive chucklehead, either. You don't abuse the people you love; the only logical conclusion I can draw is that she doesn't love me -- or our definitions of love are sorely mis-matched.
Two months into this and in one day (getting feedback from strangers who've been-there-done-that) and my pain is starting to become anger. Healthy anger. Appropriate, well-deserved anger. Right now, I do not think this is something we can ever heal from.
This will likely affect our family dynamics negatively and permanently. I come from a very small, very supportive family. I have cut all ties with only one other person in my lifetime (my practice husband - brute of a man - no kids, thank God). I will probably hang out here in the background, drawing strength and paying it back (forward?) for some of the generous advice, acceptance, and encouragement I've received here in less than 24 hours. Again, heartfelt thanks to ExJulie and others! I have more time than money right now, and if someone has a suggestion for how I can contribute to this board, please share it with me.
Some final thoughts for today: "She flavored her words with unsalted venom. I'd probably do it all again. Every goodbye teaches us something - 'learn, baby, learn' over 'burn, baby, burn...'
It's good that she's moved
It's good that she's moved out, that means you don't need to evict her legally. Change the locks on the house and let the BF contact you and give notice when he wants to come over and get his stuff out. Otherwise, move their stuff to a storage facility and let them know you've paid for one month of storage, after that, they are on their own.
They may never pay for the damages, but that is the cost of being a landlord, unfortunately - unless you want to take them to small claims court. I don't blame you for not wanting to get involved with the legal system.
StepTalk Posting Ettiquitte
This is an UPDATE, so should this be a new blog? Thanks in advance for the info:
So today I receive a cordial email from SD32 who recently (allllmost) moved her belongings out of MY house after living there five years rent free, paying for only utilities and household bills totaling approximately $150/month.
in her email, she requested I calculate her monthly utility, insurance, property tax payments from the last five years and put in writing that those monies were actually RENT paid to me. Apparently she is trying to secure a home loan.
First, I never, ever collected a dime in rent from her. Secondly, I never reported income revenue on my IRS taxes because, well, I never received any rent income.
I was going to offer to obtain records from the utility companies (that she stopped paying in September as a way of saying frack-you! to me) I did go so far as to obtain five years' records of payments to the electric company. More than 70% of these monthly bills have the notation "delinquent" and an extra fee attached. How did I not know this?? How was my credit report unaffected?? The ONE rule I had (for stupidly leaving all utilities in my name) was that they be paid IN FULL and ON or BEFORE the statement due date.
Of course I am not going to write anything to anybody about her paying me rent (other that to clearly express no rent was ever paid)
There's a petty part in me that wants to offer to obtain all utility bill records for the last five years and sign off or notorize a statement that she had full and sole responsibility for the utility bills as a way to contribute to household expenses. "yeah, so you can show the loan officer just exactly how well you handle your financial responsibilities." Of course she must know that they're probably all late, which is why she wants me to turn them magically into well-timed rent.
i don't know if she thinks I'm that stupid, or if I should be carefully watching her other hand. Clearly she has something up one of her sleeves.
i just want the rest of her stuff out of my house. I still can't believe a twenty-year relationship disintegrated to ashes in less than 20 minutes. It's both heartbreaking and infuriating to learn it's all been a lie and I've been a fool. On the off, off, way-out-there-chance she actually obtains a mortgage, the loan will go belly up in five years at most. I'm a petty wench for pulling out the popcorn to watch this go down. The good news is that I'm no longer crying. I'm not too comfortable with the black piece of my heart, either, though.
How long does it take for the heart's pendulum to stop swaying and just settle??
Any insight as to a different reason for her request?
What cheek! What gall and
What cheek! What gall and entitlement !
I think I'd either ignore the email or adopt a confused tone and say "I don't understand. You didn't pay any rent. Market rate rent for the home would be apx $______ per month. Did you mean that you want copies of the utility bills?" And let her flounder.