Oh GOD help me!
Well, it's official. I have a demonic pre-teen living in the house. I think The Exorcist was a metaphor for living with pre-teens. SS12 has only been 12 for a month, and already he has truly been showing out. All the time it's fighting and back-talking and screeching and bitch-slapping his younger brother. I keep expecting him to start stabbing himself with a crucifix and vomiting nails and green bile, while screaming with some crazy voice in Aramaic. The latest is telling everyone to get out of his life. The first time he said this, he threatened to not come back to our house the next time it was our weekend. We told him fine, there was a party we wanted to go to anyway, so that would suit us right down to the ground. Then he got all sad because we didn't apologize and beg him to forgive us for his transgressions that he was serving consequences for. Today, he was being an ass, and once again yelled at us to get out of his life. He'd already been at it all day, so I was basically like, "Get out, then. If you don't want us in your life, then you have to leave because this is our house, so bye." He yelled, "Make me!" and then ran downstairs because he knew he was in deep shit the second it came out. DH came BURSTING into the house and was like, "Where is he?!?" He brought him all the way upstairs and proceeded to inform him VERY loudly that he will not talk to ANY adult that way ever again.
I can only surmise that this tactic of his works with BM because she's afraid of "losing him," which is ridiculous because she already has, SS12 can't stand her. So she plays into his games hook line and sinker. They've both been worse since coming home from Mesa Verde with DH's parents, who promised to bring back "totally different kids." I guess they meant worse kids, because that's what happened. The best part is that they both want to go off their ADHD meds, which we told them maybe, if they learned how to get themselves together without it. I wouldn't mind it, but I know the alternative is behavioral therapy, which no one except me will follow through with. I don't think either of them would last a week without meds without us getting calls from both of their schools. BM wants them on meds 7 days/week AND wants to increase the dosage, especially SS12, because she can't control her kids at all. It's gonna be a long 6 years with this butthole.
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When my brother lived with
When my brother lived with his mom she kept him on meds for ADHD too. Then, when he came to live with us my dad weaned him off of it, and started disciplining him and bought him a weight set and got him in football. The whole time he was with us his grades were good, my dad demanded a B average for him to stay in football, and he didn't get into any trouble. I don't think meds are the right answer for many kids, and obviously they aren't working for this one. They may actually make it worse in some cases. However, unless you could find a way to get the birth mother to begin disciplining and encouraging alternatives, you won't win.
My honest opinion is to talk to your husband. Obviously he cares about discipline, (LUCKY YOU!!)and doesn't tolerate disrespect. However, without both families working together, you won't be able to get anywhere with him.
And that's the thing, BM will
And that's the thing, BM will NEVER get on board with discipline and consistency. EVER. ESPECIALLY if he suggests it. It's pretty much a losing situation because she is way too lazy to actually do any of this stuff, and I will not have either of his kids living in my house full-time since. Period. By the time either of them agree to anything, they'll both be 18 anyhow and will be able to elect to go off meds. I know with discipline and expectations as well as follow-through they'd both be functional without meds, but their cow mother is too lazy to even take them to the library, much less actually do any of the things I just mentioned.