She's ruining her daughter.

Seriously so petty & gross. We had SD for a few days. Sent her back to bio moms for the night. Her hair was done, nails & toes too. Because it was freezing outside we did inside activities. My daughter was there, so us girls did girl things. (A side note- bio mom allows polish- so that's not the reason.) She was literally at her moms for 18 hours! Bio mom brushed out her hair (she's not bathed- so that's not the reason) & wet it into a slicked backed mess of ratty rubber bands (bio mom NEVER does her hair) It was curled, with no rubber bands, so that wasn't the issue. AND took her polish off both her fingers & toes! What a freaking control freak!

SD (first thingies the car, she says): "My mom took off my polish. She said it wasn't pretty. She said my hair wasn't pretty either."

Dad: "You are always pretty no matter what!"

SD: "Mommy says I'm only pretty when she does my hair & nails. Not you."

Me: "That's ok. I agree with your dad, you are always pretty."

What the hell?!?! (Please note I am trained to do hair & nails, so it's not like it was jacked up)

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Very true. I'll tell my

Very true. I'll tell my husband that when she says something like this again we should focus on her feelings about herself. Not her moms. Or ours. Thank you.

Leave her hair and nails

Leave her hair and nails alone. No need to have a pissing match with mom over something so petty.

SD ask me or my daughter to

SD ask me or my daughter to do it, that's why it was done.

She's 7. Her hair was curled

She's 7. Her hair was curled in rollers. My daughter & her were rollering each other's hair.

The girls were just messing

The girls were just messing around with them. No hairspray or anything over the top. Curls & a pop barrette pulling the bangs out of her face. Bio mom had her hair done this exact sane way at a salon for pictures 2 years ago. 2 years ago--- when she was 5. It's not pageant hair. I can do pageant hair, or rodeo hair or Barbie hair. This was not like that at all.

This is just another control

This is just another control issue for BM. I hate when people say you shouldn't do that because you will piss off BM. So what? People on this site always say, you can't dictate what goes on at BMs house. Well, in my opinion, you can't dictate what goes on in dads house either. If the little girl enjoyed it, great!

Thank you. I can't believe

Thank you. I can't believe the freaking crap that has been slung at me over this. 6 hours of being told I'm a hunk of whore making evil step mom. Not quite. But kinda. Sheesh Louise. It's not like we returned her with a fake tattoo on her neck of a rose & a revolver. Wow.

Thank you.

So, I do this. BD14 has hair

So, I do this. BD14 has hair and nails done, etc etc, nice makeup for her age, etc etc.

For reasons similar to the OP, I do not do anything for or with SD14 in these areas. SD14's hair is not nice, she doesn't know how to wear makeup. Its sad to me. The girls are the same age and because I REFUSE to get into a pissing match with the BM, SD loses out bigtime.

I am not sure its a win to just disengage, however its the choice I made. It pretty much put a bigger gap than there already was between SD14 and myself, but again, I refuse to play tug a war with BM - its her kid, fine by me, I have A LOT to offer SD14 and she gets nothing because BM is an insecure loser who only wants to USE her daughter.

The end result of all of it is, SD loses either way.

She's 7. Yesterday it was my

She's 7. Yesterday it was my daughter who did her hair & I did both of their nails. We were just lazy around the house, inside with cold weather.

Hot rollers & a pop barrette

Hot rollers & a pop barrette is not made up. Sheesh. And SD wears polish all the time! Her mom even puts fake nails on her! This was pale pink glitter sheer polish. Dear Lord. Clearly if they kept her pure fingered & toes I would not have allowed such defilement.

... I disagree completely

... I disagree completely actually, because MOM isn't the only parent, and if DAD is totally fine with SM including SD in girl activities, the SAME activities BM can do with her, then what is the problem???

This is where the whole problem starts, BM can do things, SM can't do things, because SM isn't her mom, but SM should act like her mom because after all she married her dad, how dare she, but boy SM you better know the line in the sand and if you don't you better guess because holy hell if you cross that line you are in big trouble.

THIS is 90% of the issue right here imo.

If you not my comment above, I disengaged for the same reasons OP is describing, so in my household, I do things with just my own girls and SD is left out completely, I used to include her, but the fallout from BM was similar to what the OP is saying, so now SD is not included, her mom is responsible for that stuff and my girls and I do our own thing - sounds pretty unfair now that SD is 14.... So when does the line in the sand change?? Or are we SMs supposed to just magically know when its OK to start including??? Just wondering...

Crap like this really frosts me over. SD is screwed in our household because of an insecure BM and so will this SD be in time, because, eventually the OP will tire of the constant tug a war like I did and drop SD from activities because you never know what will set off BM when you cross the line.

Totally agree with you. Why

Totally agree with you. Why does everyone give "perceived power" to the BM? If it was prom or wedding day - fine, give BM her right to do these things with her daughter. Otherwise, get over it. Dad is entitled to do fun things with his daughter too.

"if mom wants to do it, it is

"if mom wants to do it, it is her business."

does the same ring true, "if dad wants to do it, it is his business" ??

Dads have just as much rights

Dads have just as much rights as mom.

I believe that is true... but

I believe that is true...

but apparently nobody else does on here. Because obviously dad said it was just fine to do the lil girls hair/nails to play dress up with the other girls. But still, SM was wrong for doing it because she didn't read BMs mind & know that she shouldn't have done it.

I understand dad didn't do it himself, but it would be no different than BM taking SD to the nail salon with her or something. No big deal. I can't believe how people are reacting to this.

Me either...

Most dads don't give a damn

Most dads don't give a damn about this. Nine times out of ten this a pissing match between the two women with the poor kid caught in the middle.

I remember a blog a few months back about a BM allowing her husband to take her son hunting against his dad's wishes. Both BD and SD are hunters. BM ignored dad and allowed her
husband to take the kid hunting. Pretty much everyone agreed that mom and her husband were out of line. No one labeled dad insecure, a bitch, threatened by stepdad....

Because it was taking him

Because it was taking him hunting for his FIRST TIME & Bd already told son he was taking him.

After the 'first' 'special' time - it wouldn't be a big deal.

This child didn't get her nails painted for the first time by her SM or her hair done for the first time.

situations are unrelated and different. But that was a nice try.

PS: I disagree with the statement most dads don't care. Most dads are MORE concerned with their daughters growing up too fast than their mothers are. Example? My dad was upset I got my first bra at 12 when I obviously didn't need it. My mom was not. They're married - she won - no big deal. Also, DH is very upset at how tall/grown looking SD is. It makes him feel like his little girl is growing up way too fast. He even went as far as buying her clothes in the wrong size because he was in denial that his 'baby' was growing up. With older girls, it's very common for a dad to tell his daughter to change clothes or buy more appropriate clothes. Dads have just as much as a right to all aspects of parenting as moms. Even if dad didn't care, it's his choice for his child.

Why is it so hard for some

Why is it so hard for some SPs to respect a BPs wishes when it comes to these special things?

The dad wanted to take his son hunting. SD should have rsspected that. BM in this case wants the OP, to leave her child's hair and nails alone. SM should respect that.

I will admit that I do things to bug BM from time to time just to annoy her. However, I do don't put SDs 6&8 in the middle. I know she will yell at and/or spank them if I braid their hair.

Their hair looks like a sheep's ass. DF wouldn't have a problem with me doing it. But why risk the kids getting in trouble?

"BM in this case wants the

"BM in this case wants the OP, to leave her child's hair and nails alone. SM should respect that."

Why can't BM's respect that fathers want to be just as much a part of their daughters life and do the "first" with them?

The dad wanted to take his

The dad wanted to take his son hunting the first time.
He did not monopolize all hunting ever done with his son.

Apples to oranges.

Also, to answer your question

Also, to answer your question - it is hard because SM has NO IDEA. She gets a second hand message from a traumatized child. The RIGHT way to handle your insecurities would be to call BF & say "Hey, I know I have no control on what goes on in your house & this may sound silly - but I would really like the be the only one to do nails and special hair stiles with our daughter. I feel like I miss out on a lot of her life, as do you, since we are no longer together. I would just like to have this one 'special' thing. I would appreciate if you respected that. Thank you."

Sending a subliminal message through a child, as if SM should have READ BM'S MIND about nail polish and curlers, is STUPID. The kid will not be traumitized by SM doing her hair and nails with her step siblings, but she WILL by what BM said/did. If the kid is the only one that matters in this situation, then BM is the only one out of line.

**************

@Disneyfan "Most dads don't

@Disneyfan "Most dads don't give a damn about this"? That may be your experience, but its not mine. I know many single fathers either by divorce or widowed and all of them are very interested in doing girly things with their daughters. They actually enjoy hanging out with their daughter(s) and doing things their daughters want to do. My father did a lot of girly things with me. This isn't the 1950's when dad only did boy things with their son and mom only did girl things with their daughter.

"but let me guess.. it would

"but let me guess.. it would be OK for the SM to take the SS out to play some baseball? Riiiiiight....." EXACTLY!

LOL! So true.

##

I've noticed this too.

There was no argument with

There was no argument with bio mom over this. SD entered car, telling us her mom doesn't think she's pretty when we do her hair & nails. She had her hair all ratted up with 8 rubber bands when she entered our car... Thankfully we are just staying home bc DH would not go for her leaving the house like that. Because she looks unclean & uncared for. Which we both think is more inappropriate that having curls. Thankfully a few of you have given some good suggestions to encourage my SD who is already fragile with the 7 years of shit parenting her mother has given. If bio mom confronted us & had good reason & she also supported that choice, we would respect that. Not the reason being she just doesn't want the kids to feel comfortable, happy, loved, cared for, bonded, secure etc with us at our home.

We had a full day of games

We had a full day of games with the entire family, crafts, cooking, decorating the house for Christmas... The boys had split off playing a game & my daughter asked if I could show her how these rollers worked. Not a big deal. I think you have a different idea of the way she looked.

I could understand your point

I could understand your point if SM put makeup on the little girl, polished her nails and did "pageant" hair everyday before she left the house. I don't get this impression at all. Sounds more like a fun day for 2 little girls. Nothing more.

Thank you. Correct. It was

Thank you. Correct. It was pure jealousy that she came back with her hair combed & not looking ragged like the way we picked her up. She didn't look "dressed up" or "made up" or "too old" or "hussy-like"

Wow. Thanks. I was beginning

Wow. Thanks. I was beginning to think what freaking planet am I living on?!??

I think next time (which will he today, I'm sure) that she wants her hair done & is going back to bio moms I'll ask her if she's sure she wouldn't rather her mom do it. Bc surely it hurts to hear that for her mom.

I think you are reading more

I think you are reading more into this then there is. It was just a day of fun. Nothing more..nothing less. Its not like SM does this every day with the child. As for "making little girls so focused on altering their looks send wrong messages" This is been going on for many years. Kids pretend makeup, clothing and curlers have been around (from what I can remember) since the early 70's. The only difference today is there are TV shows that heighten it. Those are a small group of people (compared to the number people in this country) who do the pageant look. Young dancers, some as young as 4, put on makeup for shows. Again, its not something the OP does every single day.

So 7 year olds can't play

So 7 year olds can't play together and put each others hair in rollers? What the hell do 7 year old girls do where you come from, burn their bras and go on equality marches?

What is wrong with playing

:jawdrop: What is wrong with playing dress-up? Little girls have been doing it forever. I don't think the plan was to do hair and make-up and go out somewhere.

I can't stand to see young girls all made up like on those pagent reality shows, but this was obviously just for play.

This is simply a case of a jealous BM. If dad o.k.'d it, SM had every right. It's BM's problem if she can't handle it. The only reason I wouldn't do it is if I knew that SD got blamed by her mother.

So what happens when BM tells

So what happens when BM tells her DD not to let SM touch your hair or else she'll get in trouble?

I know plenty of moms who braid their daughters' hair in small, tight braids before visits with dad because the SMs won't leave their hair alone.

Usually this only works if

Usually this only works if the child has coarser hair. I have heard of this in cases where the BM/BD/skid are african american or mixed, and SM doesn't know how to do skids hair or has different beliefs about hair. I have a friend who's kids smom wanted to put a relaxer in her daughters hair (chemical straightener). Though less common now, when I was younger about 1/2 of african american girls had a relaxer by the age of 10. I did not, my mom didn't believe in it. I had a friend (when i was in gradeschool) who went to her dads and her aunt put a chemical straightener in her hair because it was 'unmanageable'. It isn't unheard of, or even shunned in our community. After that, her mom braided her hair up when she would go over there so they wouldn't be 'bothered' by her natural hair texture enough to try and put chemicals in their hair.

This is totally different than someone putting some curlers in a childs hair and making a non-permanent hair style change.

This was happening to a

This was happening to a certain point. SD was told by bio mom to not help in the kitchen, the deal is every Sunday I make enough freezer food for breakfast for my DH for a week or two bc he leaves very early & that way he can just grab a home cooked breakfast... Anyways it's a big production... My daughter & I do other cooking & baking too for the week, we have aprons etc...SD was helping (we have 3 aprons that came in a pack) so she got to wear one also, apparently went home & told bio mom. She came back the next time, pouty watching us, saying mommy said she can't do that, I said ok. That's ok. Next time, she started pouting again, then joined in. Sibling told & SD told the counselor her mom won't let her do this. This is a constant issue. One thing after another.

Yes counselor tells bio mom

Yes counselor tells bio mom that she cannot dictate what we do. It's an issue bc she spent the marriage telling my DH that no woman would do for him what I do. And guess what? Here I am DH doesn't directly communicate with bio mom about these issues. The more he acts like an equal parent the worse bio mom is-- hence the need for custody evaluator & counselor. It's bad. DH has to be careful not to push her over the edge completely.

This mother is going to cause

This mother is going to cause emotional problems in the poor girl if she keeps this up. This is a case of loving your child more than you hate each other.

Mom has no say in what goes on in dad's house...unless it's abuse.

This was happening to a

Bottom line is mom doesn't

Bottom line is mom doesn't want you or your daughter messing with her kid's hair and nails. Just remove that from the list of things you do with SD.

She says her mom tells her

She says her mom tells her not to cook with me also. & she's not suppose to sit next to me at dinner also. Other step kids confirm this. So we know it's not a game being played by SD.

Yes. He got his toes done & a

Yes. He got his toes done & a bow in his hair! He's always right in the room. We are kid central home.

My father used to play dress

My father used to play dress up with me. He would let me curl his hair, put bows in his hair. He did the same for me. I was very close to my dad and he did girly things with me.

DH is huge into quality time.

DH is huge into quality time. He's a natural "teacher" and a great listener. All of our kids adore him. Glad you had a great dad too!

Wow complain about a pissing

Wow complain about a pissing match over hair and nails devolves into a pissing match over hair and nails. We can't win do nice things and include a skid we're bad, exclude skid we're bad. I do SD's hair and nails so does my dd (sometimes we flat iron sometimes we curl) kid is 7 she loves it. BM doesn't do crap with the kids, I do, SO does, my DD does, heck last week I caught my DS laying on the floor in his room playing with SD he's 12.
Screw BM and her insecurities, do her hair and nails remind her it's not about BM's feelings it's about hers. We have actually had to help skids and my own kids to battle PAS from their other parents. It sucks but it's necessary.

Thank you. A place for step

Thank you.

A place for step parents to vent. Shit. A place for other step parents to take their aggression a out on others. Eh.

Yeah, really. If I had a BD

Yeah, really. If I had a BD with a SM, I would be grateful that she liked my BD and wanted to do things with her.

Thank you. My daughter has a

Thank you.

My daughter has a step mom. I tell my daughter "have SM do your hair" like when she complains she has something to do and I won't be there. I could careless. One more person to care for my child.

Everyone here seems like a

Everyone here seems like a psycho to me lol. Nothing is wrong with a 7 year old playing dress up with hair & nails. If Bm didn't complain about this, it would be something else. You can't make your time with skids revolve around what BM wants - or you'll be sitting in a room doing absolutely NOTHING because obviously BM doesn't want anything fun or family like going on at your home.

SD6 plays dress up all the time here. BM paints her toes sometimes, & if SD asks I will as well. I remember my cousins & I getting our nails painted by my aunt as young as like 4 years old. It's NAIL POLISH. They sell it in the toy isle. Get over it.

Now, if BM was against nail polish & curlers that would be one thing. But she is obviously not. She only threw a fit because it wasn't done by her. She probably felt like she was out done by you & made it into a competition. It is not. What BM wants is SD to see SM & Ssister having fun painting nails doing hair & leaving SD out so that she can feel like she isnt a part of that family. she is only a part of the family with BM. It is unfortunate that some BMs would rather their kids feel left out & hurt just so they can draw closer to them. It's so selfish.

What a horrible thing to say to a little girl. your hair/nails are "only beautiful when I do them". What happens when she goes to a salon when she gets (much much) older? Is it not beautiful then because BM didn't do it? Just stupid.

Thank you. It was very much

Thank you. It was very much that. I am very much the stereotypical nightmare new wife for a jealous insecure ex wife.

How can you curl the hair if

How can you curl the hair if the hair is very short anyway ?

"yanno what really got me in

"yanno what really got me in this thread? you ladies were trying to teach Brady how to exclude the skid in doing something fun .. thats not a good thing ."

^^this!

You nailed it Foxy!

Exactly. And it has come up.

Exactly. And it has come up. Feeling left out bc my daughter is there & we are all doing our thing & she's crushed. Comes back that she feels terrible.

Yup - and after 2 years of SD

Yup - and after 2 years of SD getting in trouble for doing things with 'us' (me and my 2 daughters) - keeping in mind, SD is here 50% of the time.... I gave up and the end result isn't pretty - its a left out SD.

BM even changed schools so SD wouldn't attend the same as my BDs because as she told DH - they were 'getting too close'/

SS8 comes into the home and repeatedly reminds us that WE are not his family, only DH, BM and SD are his real family!!!

My DH doesn't say crap to help the situation either, afterall, it might get back to the scary BM don't ya know... and since he left her sorry ass, he must deserve it from his kids.

It sucks OP - its a lose lose. There are some good suggestions that you take the polish off before she leaves, but frankly she is engaging in activities she knows her mother forbids so she is going against her mother - that is pretty much why I ended up stopping all together, clearly BM wanted SD to be left out in this household and since DH did nothing about it, I can assume he was also on board with that. I will not do nothing with my girls just because SD can't - she is here 50% of the time, that is unfair to my kids.

I went through a cycle, including SD and watching the fallout and tug-a-war. I stopped doing anything with my kids when skids were here (50%) of the time then came to realize my kids were losing out, and landed doing whatever I want with my girls whenever I want.

The way I look at it is, BM can do whatever she wants with her kids whenever, so why are the rules different for me? I tried to include, it was a disaster, so now I am done. And, its at the loss of the kids, I can admit that - but that falls on DH and BM - She put the skids in the middle and DH didn't do shit to correct it - Its out of my control.

Honestly, this is ridiculous.

Honestly, this is ridiculous. This is nothing more than a jealous, petty, bitchy BM. I mean, really, she's pissed because someone is being nice to her daughter? And she's going to make her daughter feel like crap because of it?

My SD22's BM is a bitch. A lying, manipulative, total psycho bitch. But you know what? She would've rather I did SD's nails and hair than beat her with the brush. Plus, she was smart enough to not let her petty jealousy show through by saying something as stupid as that. The only consequence of me doing my SD's nails, was that it prompted BM to actually spend some girl time with SD herself (so as not to be outdone by me). I can live with that.

You did nothing wrong, Bradymom.

Thank you.

That's just not a good thing

That's just not a good thing for anyone to say to their child. Period.

If BM truly had an issue with makeup and hair rollers and felt they were inappropriate for a 7-year-old, she should've emailed the dad, explained it to him and worked it out with him that way.

If she really wanted to be the only one doing this with her daughter she should've emailed him and said what Queen said.

But above all, she really should keep her kids out of these disputes.

She's his daughter as much as

She's his daughter as much as hers...BM can't tell him what to do, or not do, with his own daughter on his time.

Reply: yeah, but when I do

Reply: yeah, but when I do it, you are not only pretty but also pretty in the inside haha No... Jk. Blow it off. She goes to BM and instigates her too, so it's a two way street.

Clearly my SD is a lil spit

Clearly my SD is a lil spit fire that is sweet & loves me & her mom is jealous. These petty lil things are going to keep coming up. She keeps bucking what mommy says to do or not to do. So we Wil have to give her the tools to navigate in unhealthy relationships. Sad but true. Me not curling her hair or polishing her nails isn't going to change things with crazy BM.

Simple: anything that's not

Simple: anything that's not in a Court Order is a pissing match (just ask FOC). My ex started that once- told him to take me to Court and look ridiculous. Hunting can be a safety issue, yes, but no Judge would get in the middle of that.

Exactly! I got my ass ripped

Exactly! I got my ass ripped for letting my daughter curl my SD hair & putting sheer polish on them. At the ungodly age of 7! And bio mom calls her daughter "not pretty" & I'm the terrible one, Holy snot!

Exactly. Part of it is I'm

Exactly. Part of it is I'm girly girly. Daughter in is girly. SD is girly massive. But bio mom is butch. Big. Time. She does let SD wear polish, all color... Even press on nails... Hair flowers, bows, whatever. She really could careless. It's that it was with us. And sometimes it's a nonissue... Or at least we don't hear about it thru SD. The shock was it was 18 hours!

Her feelings about the time

Her feelings about the time you spend together and how she looks is all that matters - though it is great to be reinforced by the other adults around her that she looks beautiful as well. No you can't control what bm says after a great time, but she also can't control you having a great time in your house!

good luck

You are here

She's ruining her daughter.

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