Last night, my BF and I had fought together. He is kidding to his DH that her summer plan to do for 22 things will have me to worry about the budget. I was mad at him and asked him how about told her that dad had a budget. He told me, they were joking...I was so tired with him when he made me a joke to his kids and they laught. I don't care if they understand but his kids might think they couldn't do that thing because of me said "No." and dad pick me. My BF told me that i worry too much..When he would realize from the past that his DH used to mention about me in the bad ways...I'm bored right now because we lost my BF mom couple weeks ago and I couldn't have any chance to talk or see her a year because his DH and ex-wife had againsted me and made my BF's mom couldn't say good about me in front of her grandaughter on the phone otherwise she won't talk to her like she hadn't talked to her dad (my BF) for over a year.. I haven't felt my BF love me like the way i love him so much...Noone who ever have any experience like us will understand..I have tried my best to make his children accept me, his mom also his sister..Because i m not just married with him...I married with his family too..I've worked hard and spent 80% on his family for just want to be with him. My health turn to get worst. He complained that i should allocate my income like the way, i asked his income...He never realized how many times, he paid for gas,house stuffes(toilet paper(he just paid for it this month.), dish detergent, his lunch&his son school money.
I haven't gave him my money for utilities last couple months because i paid for NY trip,most of the months he couldn't earn money enough to pay for the rent that we agreed. In the past, i paid half of the rental house..Until,he wasn't listen to me about spending money on his son's professional baseball coach. He got $130 left for that week..He spent $100 on his son and left $30 for himself...It was a joke&stupid to me because his son wasn't care school & grade was under the level to pay the sport in the high school..That's why, I had to devide by 3 of the rent and he paid two part of the rent. Also, I couldn't allocate my money with him..He didn't understand himself. When he saw the amount of money,he just spent and forgot at the end of the months..I spent a couple times on my lunch to eat outside for a year...I had to make sure, we have food to eat,gas in the car to go and at the end of the month, we have money to pay for the rent... My BF is a great guy when it turned to his children..He was stupid&forgot to realize the fact of living. He hated when i mentioned the time that he lost everything and I was there with him..Normal people would love that person and try to cooperate with her or him... I want myself back...I don't go to shop for my dress anymore, I suppose to work the way i love.... I push myself down to wait to do sth that i love and most of the time,I put my BF's kids&him to come first before me&my family ...

He told me. He loves me and I 'm the number one.. Am...I can't believe in that anymore...I'm in the situation to need the money for my health&my personal stuffes which is important to live here.. He could have spent that money for his son to blow to the air more over than collect money for my situation..My SS didn't use the knowledge that he learned from his professional coach to play the sport at the school,no study..., We lost our money more over than $2800...My BF thought that was his only money...God knew my word..How come..He couldn't sale the car a lot..How he would be able to support sth like that by himself... He is the number one in my heart..That's why, I'm here for 2 yrs...I think, he never understand to be here and have no family. I've focused on him and he is real number one with me. I've only one BF and He has me,his two children..I'm not jealous the kids...I love them too...My SS has stuggled with so many things from adult problems and i asked my BF, pls asked the professional for helping him because he will have more his problem eventually. It's just stupid the way we live...when he will be smart and cooperate with me more than trying to fight and think negative about me..I was upset very much last night until I throw up&felt numbness all my right half..I got a car accident last year..Since, i paid for cop pull us over because he didn't pay his excise tax for his old truce. I haven't seen my DR for 2 weeks and my health is getting worst... And i felt i like an evil sometimes when i asked him to stop to pay sth stupid for his son...He is dad and it should be alright that he spent on his kids...If my status is my SS real mom, i still stop my BF and that would be change that i'm not an evil..because i 'm his real mom... :? I love my SS from my heart more than his real mom loves him because she loves herself more than her own kids...
Love...