There are a lot of times that it is only SS and I home. My DD's go to their dad's 50% of the time, and DH still travels a lot for work. So this week, Wednesday and Thursday, it was just SS and I. We were bored, so I took him to his favorite place for dinner. We usually only go there on this bday but hey... I felt like spoiling him

Disclaimer before I get in to this- I told SS about a year ago that I will never talk bad about his mom, and I will never offer him information about her. But if he ASKS me questions, he better be prepared for the truth because I am not going to lie for her anymore. That's been status quo for about a year.

He started telling me about his weekend with his grandparents (BM's dad and stepmom). He went to lunch with his grandma, alone. She had a lot to say about BM. So SS was telling me some of the she said about her. "She said that she (BM) has been really mean to her for a long time, even telling her she is going to kick her a-s-s" apparently they also talked about how she always wears this stupid White Sox baseball cap and grandma looked it up on the internet and saw that it is the #1 hat worn by gang members.

Anyway, after a while SS just started talking about BM and the things that he saw when he was still spending time with her on a regular basis. Apparently (and I assumed all of this was happening) she would take him to the pot shop. He told me that she was dealing drugs to people that lived in this trailer park that she "worked" at. She told him she was selling them cigarettes, but he saw stuff in her purse when they would go there. He didn't know what it was until he saw Breaking Bad (which is why we let him watch it, gave him a little insight to her life without us having to TELL him... apparently, it worked). He told me that he was scared when he was with her, but he didn't want to tell us because he thought we would have her put in jail.

I had to hold back tears the entire time. I wanted to squeeze him, and never let go, and strangle her neck at the same time. There were a lot of little things like, he would tell her he didn't want to ride in the car with Meth Man driving because he didn't have a license and she would tell him to shut up in get in the car. She would show him the weed she bought at the pot shop like it made her "cool" or something. He said "I can't even call her MOM anymore. It makes me sick to my stomach. The last time I really spent time with her more than just a meal was at grandpas (when DH and I went on a cruise last September. He stayed at his grandparents and she showed up there. Stayed a few hours and SS told her she needed to leave.) they were playing a game and he was keeping score. He said "I couldn't even write MOM on the score sheet. I wrote her name".

I apologized to him. I told him I am sorry his mom is like that. I know she loves you, she has a problem and she needs to get help. He said "I can't say it's ok, because its NOT ok.. but it's like... WHY ME? Why does she have to be MY MOM? Why couldn't YOU have just been MY MOM"... TEARS... ugh. I am your mom buddy. Always and forever. I'm not going ANYWHERE.

During the course of the dinner he tells me that she requested to follow him on instagram and he let her, and followed her back. I told him that he's old enough to make those decisions now and that I had made it so he couldn't see her profile before because she had posted some inappropriate stuff that he didn't need to see. He said "like what".. I told him... a picture of her and METH MAN, naked from the waist up. He says "I am going to unfollow her RIGHT NOW" He didn't tell me that at the same time, he blocked her. Yesterday she posts on her FB "That's real great, my son just blocked me and deleted me from his instagram, AGAIN".

I don't know what she expects.