That's it, I want to move to England

I used to be a very active steptalker, but now it's been a year or so since I've posted so I'm sure most of you don't know my story. I'm feeling so hopeless tonight that I feel compelled to write.

SD13 has sadly all but written us out of her life after so many years of vicious parental alienation from BM. We moved to her township a year ago March to be near her and she abruptly stopped coming in August. Ironic, huh? SD13 wrote an email to her dad this past February that said she "wasn't comfortable with us yet" (after years and years of being perfectly comfortable, loving and accepting of her family, mind you, AND after being over the moon happy about us moving here in the beginning) and essentially said she "wasn't telling us to move, but..." So there you have it, she won't see nor speak to us, and she's angry that Dad's abandoned her (this according to her psychiatrist).

Last August, we all spent the time of our lives for 11 days while SD15 visited us from England for the first time ever. The 6 of us were peas in a pod: Dad united with his 4 girls at last. (We have two daughters together, 3.5 and 1.5 - oh and by the way, a third due in August!) Anyway, SD13 stayed with us the entire time, the longest she'd ever stayed with us - prior to that, the 48-hour weekend was her max. Apparently, this was too much for BM because this was the last time SD13 spent the night in our house.

SD15 is here now visiting for the second time ever, and we had held out the hope that SD13 would finally come around. She idolizes her big sister! Well, we tried for weeks to make a plan with SD13 ahead of time - no answer - and called 5 times a day on all phones for the first 4 or 5 days of SD15 being here, trying to get together - no answer. Finally, BM calls *after* SD13's spring break is over on the 5th day and says "oh, we'll have to get the girls together" as though they hadn't been ignoring about 25 phone messages. So SD13 finally graces us with her presence at 9pm one night and stays for a couple of hours. Wow. Then she says she'll come spend the night Friday (tonight) and we're all so happy and excited, waiting for the big day to arrive where we can all be together again and WHAM! BM manages to screw it all up!

Instead of coming over and reuniting the 4 sisters again like we've been looking forward to for ages, BM comes and TAKES SD15 and SD13 away to the mall and won't let us come!!!! She orchestrated a whole thing involving friends of theirs so there was absolutely nothing we could do without looking like total villains. We asked if we could meet them there and spend time together and SD13 said that she wanted it to be "big girl" time so the answer was no. Ok, "big girl" time is fine, and frankly quite normal for teens to want - but can we get some family time too??? Can we have a say in anything?! If BM wants to control SD15's time here, she can buy the bloody plane ticket then! My favorite part is she introduces SD15 as her SD and they've never had a relationship or been in the same room together for more than 5 minutes till tonight and um, she's NOT WITH HER DAD, hello? I think the SM role is mine!

So, BM promised SD15 back at 9pm and now it's gone 11:30pm and they're still not back. It's her last night here and she's spending it with BM?! I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I just love my girls. I just want us all to be together again! I'm sad that our happy family is a distant memory. I don't understand why SD13 went from loving us to pieces to avoiding us like the plague - well, I do understand - she's been poisoned by a very skillful witch. But it doesn't help to know that.

SD15 says we should move to England, that she would hang with us every day! Bless her heart. I'm actually considering it.

Caitlin's blog
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How sad.

I'm so sorry Caitlin. You know what's ironic is that it's always the BMs who are telling us to get our own children and leave theirs alone, stop trying to replace them as a mother. Why is it OK for them to step into the Stepmother role? Everything with some of these women is a huge double-standard. She would be pissed if you introduced yourself as SD's "mother".

I could only imagine how much worse the PAS would get if you guys did move to England. I know that's probably exactly what BM wants too.

I hope you guys got to spend at least a little time as a family and that you can find out what's bothering SD13 and get her to come back around.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

I understand completely

I have an SD17 who will not ever call us even at Christmas anymore. It is heartbreaking but, if that's what SD wants then let her have it, is my take. One day she will realize her mom cheated her out of a parent.

Your BM sounds like a total witch! and next time I would not let her take OSD anywhere. I hope your SD13 recovers soon from her PAS!!

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

make sure

Make sure that the 13 year old processes the info. That you are not user friendly therefore when she is ready for the auto, insurance and anything else not to call you. She needs to learn there are consequences for her actions and that is a good place to start. You cant treat someone like crap and expect them to deliver the goods.

Caitlin!

I'm so, so sorry.

It's a game that she's playing that has been taught by her mom. "I hate you, don't leave me."

Maybe it is time to let her go and hold onto the hope that she will find her way back one day... realizing what transpired. She'll be coming into a rebellion stage with her mom soon and hopefully is maturing enough to be able and figure out how jaded her mom's reality is. The facts of your efforts and the words of her mother do not coincide. She can twist the truth to make herself the victim, but at the end of the day... the truth is still there. You and DH love your SD no matter what her mom says. That is all that matters.

She may idolize her older sister, but she's got little sisters too that don't deserve the disappointment (and one the way, yay!! congratulations). Maybe loving her from a safe distance is the solution.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

ah, my old steptalk friends!

This site is so therapeutic! Thank you all for your insight and input. I am very happy to report that SD13 did come and spend the day with us all today and we got a good 12 hours together - the longest visit by 9 or 10 hours since the last time SD15 was visiting last August. The girls were adorable together - the littles were delighted to have both bigs to play with!

At the end of the night, after we'd taken SD15 to the airport for her flight home, we finally reconnected on a deeper level with SD13. I shared with her everything I was feeling, so did her dad, and finally the walls came down and SD13 opened up. What a huge relief to hear what we'd forgotten: that it's all BM, not SD! She actually said "my mom would be SO MAD if I told her I wanted to spend the night here." Exact words. I asked her if she felt she had a choice. It's obvious now that she doesn't. She actually wants to be with us, but can't deal with the repercussions at home if she insists upon it. That woman is a force of nature. You know, like a flood or a hurricane that destroys everything it touches.

Lots more to share, but time for bed for me! I will get back on tomorrow for more.

loving SD from a safe distance

Colorado Girl has a good point about loving SD13 from a safe distance. Our younger daughters (especially our precocious 3 year old) don't understand why big sister doesn't come over anymore. They can be downright devastated at times. And then when she is here for all of 2 hours, it just isn't enough time to truly reconnect. When she stopped coming altogether, I must say it was easier on my baby girls (just harder on us parents!)

We asked SD if she could come up with a visitation schedule she and her mom could live with, but a SCHEDULE we could adhere to no matter how little. Just one Sunday a month where she comes for the entire day or something. We can't even discuss overnights, but the 2 hour rushed visits once a quarter if we're lucky are not really acceptable. We'll see if anything changes - probably not.

SD15 put a LOT of pressure on SD13 to join us on our planned trip to England this October. She tried begging, making her promise, asking for "one good reason" not to come, etc. Her one good reason was simply "friends" which I think we can all agree is a silly cover up for "mommy dearest". SD13 obviously didn't commit, and once SD15 was on the plane, she said "oh how I wish I could come to England with you! I don't think I could leave my mom alone for that long though." She had left her that long last August, just in the next town mind you, and look at the repercussions! She hasn't been here since for longer than 2 or 3 hours up till yesterday! She's still paying the price!

We had thought we would go to England now, but then I can't fly pregnant because of a blood clotting disorder I have, so SD15 obviously came here instead, but when we were trying to get SD13 to join us, we were ignored for months and then finally received an email saying she didn't want to come because "she wasn't comfortable with us yet". We were like WTF?? At least now we know that's not the case. That was all for BM.

I really don't see any hope in sight, but at least I know she doesn't hate us. Which is what BM has been trying to get us to think. We shared some of the blatant lies BM has been feeding her, but poor SD doesn't know what to believe. Can you imagine hearing that your mom reads all your emails from your dad the moment you're on the bus to school every morning? (We have proof! Bigstring email tracking. I highly recommend it if you're dealing with the lie "no I didn't get your email" on a daily basis.) Can you imagine thinking that your dad never contacts you and then find out that your mom intercepts all his phone calls, never giving you a message, deleting the call history, keeping your cell phone in her purse with the ringer off so you can't answer? There's a long list of deceptions, too many to get into right now. But SD will eventually get angry at mommy dearest for all the shit she's pulled. Right now she's still too protective of her. We'll see...

loving SD from a safe distance

First off congrats on the

pregnancy. That is so wonderful. I have often wondered what happened to you. I know you had your daughter somewhere around the time I had my little guy.

I was so sorry to hear that things have gotten so bad with BM & Sd. I know how much you love that girl and how hopeful you were when the intensive family therapy was going on. I just feel so sad for her. As a mom I can't imagine being so sick & selfish to put my child in such a situation.

I wish the best for you & your family, don't be such a stranger, I know that people miss you!

You are here

That's it, I want to move to England

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