Feeling Stressed
I am 17 weeks pregnant and DH and I are expecting a little girl in February 2022. When we found out I was pregnant, DH and I sat down and discussed how and when we would tell SS9. We decided, due to the nature of dealing with our HCBM, we would wait to tell SS until we saw him in person for Christmas this year. DH and I felt this would be best because it allows us to control the narrative. If we told SS via phone or Skype, we can guarantee that BM would start trash talking the second SS hung up the phone. We know that BM will make comments like "they are trying to replace you" or "see, they have their own family now without you" and we want to prevent SS from experiencing that for as long as possible. Plus, DH doesnt want BM ramping up her antics toward us for as long as possible, just to prevent the stress. I felt confident in this decision when we made it, but now I keep second guessing.
So DH and I thought we could tell SS at Christmas, get him a big brother t-shirt, and really try to make him feel a part of the experience. DH will email BM after we tell SS, letting her know that we are expecting and that we have informed SS, keeping it brief and to the point. I am worried about SS accepting the news. DH and I brought up the possibility of us having kids to SS early last year and his only responses were "oh yeah, BM's GF wants to have a baby" and "I will only accept it if it's a boy." These weren't great gauges to determine where SS stood on the topic and the baby definitely isn't a boy. SS has also made comments in the past that BM said any children DH and I have aren't SS' siblings and DH has explained to SS how half siblings work, but I'm not sure where SS stands now.
We also are currently living in a small 2 bedroom apartment, so SS' room will turn into a nursery of sorts. It will basically be a catch all with both kids' stuff combined, but baby and SS will never sleep in that room at the same time. SS' bed will still be present, but the changing table and dresser will be in there as well. Baby will be in our room until at least 6 months. DH and I are pursuing a building contract with a new subdivision and believe we would be in a house by next summer/fall, pending no delays in construction, so SS would only have 4 weeks with us (in two two week blocks) in that room before we move to our house.
I am just feeling so stressed and guilty about waiting to tell SS. DH Facetimes SS twice per week and I always say "Hi" when he is on the phone. I hate keeping this huge secret from him. If we do wait until Christmas to tell him, I will be 31 weeks, which means it doesn't give SS a lot of time to adjust to the news. Plus, we will be seeing him in February, so he will only have one visitation to accept everything before the baby is born. I just feel like if he knew now, then saw us at Christmas knowing the news, and saw us in February after she arrives, it would be easier for him. Plus I'm stressed about the room situation and him feeling replaced because his room isn't just his room anymore. SS is a great kid in a tough situation due to HCBM and I just want to make this okay for him.
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I think it might be possible
I think it might be possible to make it about a bunch of "exciting" things happening.
1. New baby sister.
2. NEW house so that he and sister will both be able to have their own rooms!
That you just KNOW.. he is going to be the best big brother...
Is it going to be super smooth and easy? probably not 100%.. but he is 9.. kids have kind of simplistic ways of seeing things.. like the "only accpet a boy".. well.. kiddo.. that's not how biology works..haha. The good thing is that you probably won't have to worry about her stealing your clothes.. haha.
Since it doesn't sound like he really views your home as his "primary" home.. I'm not so sure he will be feeling pushed out because you have a couple of pieces of furniture in there that belong to the baby.. when you will pretty much be having the baby in your room for the duration until you move into the new home. So, it's not like he is being forced to really share in that sense.
Of course, dad should try to talk with him about his feelings.. does he have any questions or worries or excitement? he can be reassured that he is still importan and loved etc... If you currently have a good relationship with him.. I would hope this wouldn't be a totally negative situation for him.
100% you are doing the right
100% you are doing the right thing by waiting to tell him. If you tell him now you won't see him at Christmas. We got married without SS there, because we knew BM would interfere. He was a bit upset, but he got over it. We also didn't tell him about a planned wedding dinner until he arrived at our house for his visit that weekend.
You always always have to do what's best for you given that there is a HCBM involved.
Personally I think it's
Personally I think it's better to wait, you know once SS is told BM is going to ramp up her PAS and do everything she can to take SS away from DH for good. Try not to stress and worry too much over things you can't control, enjoy your pregnancy and savor all the changes happening in your life. Don't allow the BM a moment of time in your headspace, she's not worth it.
You guys are doing the right
You guys are doing the right thing. Like another poster said, kids don't understand how long a pregnancy is.
I think building up to being a big brother, getting a new house, decorating and helping with everything- those are all exciting events! Most kids get at least a little excited for that stuff. Sharing a room for a little bit until the house is built is no big deal at all!
You are doing great, just keep breathing!
Thank you everyone for the
Thank you everyone for the validation. I think I just needed to hear that we are doing the right thing. When I found out I was pregnant, I told DH that I don't give a flying fark how BM feels about this baby or our family going forward, but I do care about SS and want him to be okay with the situation. I just want to make sure we are doing right by him.
Honestly, BM hasn't been on my radar nearly as much since finding out I was pregnant. I still find her annoying, but my anxiety surrounding her practically disappeared when I found out, which is huge because I used to having panic attacks and experience debilitating anxiety when dealing with BM. DH thinks it's because I feel like I have some control over my life again. SS has been the main focus of our lives and relationship over the past 8.5 years and dealing with the PAS, court battles, and long distance was at the center of it all. DH thinks that having our own family is giving me peace and a new center to focus on, instead of spending all my time focusing on SS coming and going. Plus, BM will have no control and say over our child and I could not be more relieved about that.
Concentrate on yourself, your
Concentrate on yourself, your baby, and having a healthy pregnancy. In reality, with 6 weeks of visitation, you and DH won't have much influence on SS or on what BM says. So telling him before Xmas or at Xmas won't do a darn thing to change anything. As time goes on, you will realize that all the time you spent worried about BM or SS will have been for naught.
When you tell hit, find a ton
When you tell hit, find a ton of positive things to say - in France, a son and a daughter is called "le choix du roi" -so if a king would be happy with 2 children like that, who are we to argue?
I think your plan is good. He
I think your plan is good. He'll have plenty of time to adjust - if we could have waited until the 8th month to tell the skids about DD, we would have. Kids are impatient and pregnancies are long. However, I wouldn't bother telling BM. SS can tell her if he wants to. It's really none of her business, and it's not like she'll be helping SS get used to the idea of a sibling.
I love the idea of the big brother t- shirt and making a big deal of what a great big brother you know he'll be.
Waiting until you can deliver
Waiting until you can deliver the news in person is definitely the best option.
Whatever SSs reaction is, don't let it ruin your pregnancy or the baby's arrival. It's such a special time that goes by so fast. Soak in every moment. If he is being negative, just let DH deal with it.
Stop over thinking it. Once
Stop over thinking it. Once the baby comes you won't have time to care so much about SS. It is up to his father to encourage his kids to relate to each other. You just do you, keep the stress to a minimum like your doing and stay calm.