The tides are turning.....the sh*t will hit the fan
I am interviewing for a job tomorrow that is approx. an hour and a half away, and would require a move...but pays substantial money and make me the breadwinner of the family. DH would keep his job (as he can flex his hours somewhat and his job is also an hour away in the same direction). I already told him that I will NOT commute and 1 1/2 hrs each way per day when he also commutes an hour in the same direction! That's stupid. I told him a move would be neccessary.
Here's the rub....we have the skids 50/50 on an every other day schedule. This is because BM works 24 hour shifts and since we all live in the same puny town it works great for the kids, and DH and BM...but NOT ME. This craziness also has BM dropping off the skids every other day at our house at 6 am (even on weekends) because she has to go to work. She has even stated in court documents that she is "unable to get child care on the days she works."
Considering the fact that this move might be happening...there is no way this schedule is feasible. DH is insistant that we should move somewhere in "between" here and the new job, so that he can maintain this current schedule. Keep in mind there are no "cities" in between only country population 800 towns. Housing is also significantly cheaper near the potential job. In addition, our 1 year old BD would need to be in day care. I want her in day care near where I work, not a 45 minute drive from either parent. I presented my rational arguments to him, and he blew up...saying that I'm not giving him a voice in this decision and forcing him to abandon his kids...
ummmm no. I simply said that something would need to change with the schedule. They can come with us full time, I really wouldn't have an issue with that. OR they can stay in school here with their mom during the week, while we have them weekends. OR any other combination.
The interesting thing is..I truly wonder what would happen if DH grew a set and said he's either taking them Full Time or just weekends. Given that BM is "unable to care for them when working...."???????? I guess I just got really really mad about this. Here's the thing..I moved an hour away from my family to HIS city (that I hate) into HIS house (that I hate) and have cared for his kids for days while he's been gone working when we got married...Why? So the skids wouldn't have to be inconvenienced, and because his job was the one paying the bills. I have had him apply for jobs in places I would hate to live for less than what I would be making at this job. If I am now potentially earning triple what he earns, shouldn't he have to make concessions for my job as much as I have made concessions for him/his job/his kids? He's said "he'd follow me anywhere"....I truly wonder. I don't want him to "abandon his kids." But I also don't think it's fair for him to expect me to be the only one giving in this relationship.
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Tough situation, I would
Tough situation, I would wait to see if you get offered the job before fighting about it, It would be hard to leave his kids, but every other day does not seem stable for them either our judge would have never allowed that. Maybe if you took BM back to court you guy would win seeing you are the home who can find daycare and afford it, therefore the more stable home which is the most important thing when kids are involved.
GOOD LUCK
A relationship is 50/50...
That means he has to compromise as well. I think in taking care of his kids so BM can work and no one has to pay for daycare proves that you want what is best for DH's kids. You should not be the only giving one in the relationship. If he is not willing to see where you are coming from, maybe you need to make the move without him.....possibly drastic, but from what you've said I think he's being a little unfair and not realistic about the situation.
DH and his children are not the only members in your family...you are a member too. And if the potential is there to make more money and give your family more opportunities, then the schedule may need to be adjusted.
Just don't use the fact that you are making more money than him come into any arguements you may have....it will destroy your relationship. More money does not give you more power...you need to stay on equal footing for your relationship to last. (sorry, just had to sneak that in there!)...
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost
You need to weigh a lot of different factors
before making a final decision. You might want to consult with your attorney on a few of the points I'll mention below as well.
Will your CS go up? Will DH have to pay the extra cost for someone to watch the kids while BM works?If DH moves, he might have to pay for someone to look after the kids while BM works. Will DH now be responsible for the transportation? Sometimes judges will make the parent who moved do the transportation.
Would you be willing to fight for custody of these kids? I have mixed feelings on this one...I think your home would be better for the skids, but they'd also be very, very stressed out by the move and living with you guys full time, while only seeing BM on weekends. So you need to think long and hard about this.
I agree that if you do end up getting the job and moving, the schedule would have to change. Would you be willing to make compromises with DH, i.e. in exchange for his moving, you'll buy him a webcam so he can chat with the kids daily?
You've made a lot of sacrifices for him and his kids and I commend you for that. I agree with Pnutbutta...don't use the fact that you're making more dough than he is in this discussion.
Thanks,,,, these are all really good points
And I agree with you that the money shouldn't be the issue. I would be more than willing to have the kids come with us full time, but I know that they wouldn't want to leave "home", and nor should they be forced to in my opinion. Though I, too, think that we are by far the better place for them, I know that BM is not abusive, and it isn't fair to them to uproot them from their school friends etc. Dh is willing to provide the transportation, and I support whatever is possible to continue to have as minimal of an impact on DH's relationship with the kids. But I don't really know how this every other day schedule could be possible even if we split the difference and we were only 45 minutes from them, especially with the after school activities etc.
Thanks for all the suggestions!
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"