31st. I need to pick myself and be happy, but having a hard time doing so. We are at my parents’ beach house with DH, our dogs, MIL, my sister and her fiancée, my parents, and our sort of adopted nephew Jake. (Long story but his mom died in 9/11 when he was 6 mos. old and his dad wasn’t really in his life. He’s 17 now. We met him at a wedding 2 years ago and he and DH hit it off over their love of soccer. He and DH talk often on messenger and he’s kind of become our adopted nephew. He comes to philly to visit us from NY, talks To us about college plans....I could do a whole post on how amazing this kid is but that’s for another time. He’s my step-cousin’s cousin, so he’s extended family)

My first thought when I woke up was “another year, no chamge”.  When I turned 30 last year, just before the day I got really depressed. I was crying all the time and really giving life a hard look. I’m not at all where I thought I’d be at 30 when I was a child. Financially I am; I have an excellent career far surpassing what I could have guessed, a nice house I bought, 2 dogs I adore. But I thought I would be happily married with a kid or two. In my childhood dream I married a slightly older business man and we had 2 kids and everything was great. I would spend my 30th bday at the beach with my husband and kids and family and friends

Obviously that’s not what happened, albeit by my choice. I met and fell in love with an older man with kids, but life was pretty good. That man was making 500k+ per year, and although it sometimes creates a weird dynamic financially since I was only 80-100k, we worked it out. We had a nice house and were going to get married and probably have a kid of our own.

Then June 10th, 3 months shy of our wedding he got laid off. There were no inklings of trouble; he had just been sent on a course at UPenn (Ivy League) as one of the top 5 people at the Big Bank, which employed 10-20,000 people in Charlotte. He was about to be promoted and then he was gone.  We both thought he’d get a job within days though, and kind of chuckled that he’d be getting double paid with the generous 6 month severance.

And then he didn’t. And then it had been a year of trying and there were no jobs even remotely at his level in our city, and I was offered an amazing job in my home city and we moved. And now it’s been 2 years and nothing substantial.

And now I’m another year older and closer to infertility or cancer or both, and DH has no real paying job. And no baby I’m sight. I will snap out of it, just feeling sorry for myself. Thanks to all of you for your support and at times, desperately needed tough love and advice over the past year. Here’s to 31 being the year things turn around.