I just can't keep doing this, putting on a happy face, justifiying the peace I have gotton back in my life, and putting myself and my son first for once, after all I have had to go through the past 4 years. What good is it all really.....when one picture of my skids makes me cry. Or worse yet, watching my DH last night,tack a new pic. of them up on our bedroom wall before getting into bed with me, and crying quietly in the dark. Neither one of us could see eachothers tears, but they were there. I know we can't do this anymore. Yes the time away, and distance from BM has been great, we needed to get to a better place with that for our own mental health (mine especially). But my wonderful DH is going down hill now in that area. I hate spending time away from my kids too, when they are w/ their dad, but they are still a part of my everyday life, and I get to "see" them on a regular basis. I don't know what I would do, if my circumstances were the same as my DH's......yeah, I would be totally insane by now. "Hiding out" from BM was a good idea in the beginning, it was the only way to move forward....it was even good for her too. We can't afford to go to Florida to see them,(our original idea) people in our position just can't pick up and do that, the skids are going to have to come here. My DH does not care to go down there anyways, and neither do I really, we are happy here w/ our families, and our new life.....the skids belong here too. They should be a part of it. I can see them sometimes in my mind, enjoying the beaches, the shops, the family cook outs and bon fires, playing with their little brother, who is not so little anymore, and my kids too. (my kids miss them). SS, as far as my MIL says, would jump in a moments notice to get here, and it breaks my heart to think of how he must feel. I'm strong enough now, to take on any wrath the BM might have left in her , to see my skids again. To see my DH complete, a big half of him is missing, it's a wonderful half, he needs it back. I will dry our tears, put a "game plan" in order,(my MIL/FIL will be helpful w/ that) as far as communication w/ BM on this and getting the kids to and fro from the airport (just to minimize things and keep them simple) And let the chips fall where they may. If BM wants to repeat her past behavior, then we will repeat ours, and go "back in" after we see the skids...........but something is telling me that we will be o.k. Of course while the skids are here, we will not give away the farm on everything, there are some things they just don't need to know (more like report to BM)....but to keep going on this way, now, will do more harm than good. No matter what BM says about us/ their dad, he would never just walk away with out a look back, that is not who he is, no matter what BM has said, or likes people to believe. My DH has helped me, realizing that we needed this time together to heal, the least I can do for him now is woman up, and be strong, and give back. I know deep down he is waiting for me.