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okay so ths is what i am about to send to so--any thoughts??

childofmine's picture

Submitted by childofmine on Mon, 05/16/2011 - 3:57pm

SO,
This is what I have been feeling and unable to express to you for fear of how you would react. Yes, I knew you had kids and a wicked ex when we got together. However, this does not mean I knew what I was getting into, not at all.

I didn’t know that I was going to be treated with so much disrespect and hated from your child and ex.
I didn’t know that you were going to allow such treatment to continue.
I didn’t know that my opinions didn’t matter and my voice would be heard ever.
I didn’t know that I was going to be the main caretaker of your kids and never be appreciated.
I didn’t know that trying to talk about it so I wouldn’t lose my mine was going to make me the bad guy with your whole family and you.
I didn’t know that you weren’t going to back me up when you said that you would.
I didn’t know that your kids where going to personally attack me and blame me for everything, when all I have tried to do is help and give them a better life.
I didn’t know I was going to be expected to clean up and cook for them and then be “over reacting” because I am upset that no one can say “thank you”
I feel scared for our future.
It makes me feel like a martyr.
It makes me feel lost.
It makes me feel like a helpless little girl.
It makes me feel like the person that I am talking to doesn’t care about me at all. Like you don’t want to deal with any of my issues, you don’t want to listen; you don’t want to take the time to understand. You would rather make me feel stupid and discounted than be a friend.
With everything that happened I told you how I felt about Byron being in the house with me, I needed some time to process everything and you totally ignored my feelings, even tried to make me feel stupid because of them.
I’m thrilled you and SS15#1 are on good terms and you trust him so much but I don’t. He has lied, manipulated, and stolen from us too many times for me to fall for that.
I know ss15#1 is not really going go live with his mother you would never let that happen and she doesn’t want him. You are just trying to let everything blow over until I let my guard down again.
So much has happened over the last 3 years that has me mentally and physically burnt out.
This whole time I have been upset with the kids because they have had no respect for me but you don’t either so how can I expect them to?
I know you think I don't like your children but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I care about them very much.
I have been faithful and loyal to you but it feels like none of that matters. When we went into this relationship I was under the impression we were going into it together. I was sadly mistaken.
Love,
Me

any thoughts??

Comments

childofmine's picture

Submitted by childofmine on Mon, 05/16/2011 - 4:34pm

I'm sure it's gonna cause a fight but I'm ready this time!! I'm tired of being walked all over. I got a house to live in out of state and two jobs lined up. I'm ready for him to bring it on!!

anyha's picture

Submitted by anyha on Mon, 05/16/2011 - 4:39pm

You are right though. His kids don't show you respect because HE doesn't show you respect. It is always up to the dad to set the example, and when they don't the kids see it and know they can get away with it. (especially if he doesn't do anything about it when they do)

Sometimes i think we need to post big red letters at the top of our emails or flash signs before we start a conversation with our SO's. *URGENT< PAY ATTENTION< THIS CONVERSATION MAY BE A DEAL BREAKER!!!*

otherwise, they don't seem to get it. oh.. here she goes complaining about something again. *mute*.. mouth stopped moving *unmute* then they say later, "why didn't you tell me you were so upset!" when you are walking out the door, and they beg and plead for you to give them a chance. WTH do they think you were doing when you were pouring your heart out to them all those times?

For your sake, i hope he pays attention. Sad

hope2011's picture

Submitted by hope2011 on Mon, 05/16/2011 - 5:23pm

If I sent this to my DH, he'd say I was listing "negative" stuff.. ie more of the same. He wouldn't even read past the 3rd or 4th line. Men hear what they want to hear. The minute you say something negative or any way make him take responsiblity, he's tuned out. Obviously our DH's are alike because yours doesn't listen either.

You really want to get his attention? Say less. Write an e-mail that says "Either you permanently fix this situation you created or me and our kids will start a new life without you. I deserve better and they sure as hell deserve better. Man up or move out". Do a 180 of what you'd usually do - that's the only way to get his real attention.

Then follow through. Look for a job if you need one. Find out if you can kick him out. Start collecting moving boxes and put them in the house. Get a life of your own - new friends, new hobby, something. Something for your sanity and something that show you do NOT need him or this crappy life he's offering you. Fake it til you make it.

Get a RO against the 19yo and one against the 15yo too if you can. You don't need to justify it or explain it to DH anymore than "I am taking care of the situation that you seem unable to handle". This should keep the 15yo away from your home and your kids. And if your DH moves out he can't have the 15yo around your kids if you include them on the RO.

I won't tell you to leave him or kick him out because I'm in a similar situation with my own 15yo twin SS's except they aren't violent or doing drugs (yet). I know what it's like to love someone, want a life with them and then have them and their kids disrespect you. I'm fighting that too. I'm learning people only give the amount of respect that's demanded of them. You expect none, you will get none.