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My adult step daughter hates me

Chrisheat's picture

Submitted by Chrisheat on Sun, 04/11/2021 - 9:55pm

I will try to keep this short and provide details. I really just need a place to vent. Let me start by saying I'm transgender. (Please no negatively on this). I met my wife 3 years ago and we moved along very fast. With in 6 months of dating we got engaged and married shortly after. I have a great relationship with my two younger kids. They both loved me from the start. My oldest step daughter is 21. Let me also state my wife and I have a 13 year age difference. She is 43 and I'm 30. At first K(oldest)  liked me. Loved that I make her mom happy and I'm there for her siblings. But the last 6 months to a year she has turned. I believe her aunt who doesn't like me either is feeding her lies about me. Every time my youngest two go see their aunt they come back not talking to me and treating me differently. When asked about the sudden change they express how their aunt talks about me to them. How she disrespects me and even calls me names. She does this in front of everyone but me and my wife. So flash forward K is in town for a week and the kids spent a few hours with her yesterday and of course K and the aunt were trying to get info from my two youngest about me and my wife. This hurts me to no end as I have been nothing but welcoming. I haven't done anything. She accuses me of deviding the family as far as my wife and her family. When in reality I always tell my wife to go. Go spend time with them. I'm not gonna control you seeing YOUR family. I don't know what to do anymore. I provide for these kids. I love them so much. I honestly don't know how much more I can take with K. 

Comments

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Sun, 04/11/2021 - 11:13pm

Is this only a problem when K is in town?  Or is it continual (texting, etc)?   Hopefully, if she is 21 and living out of town, she isnt much of a factor.  I feel for you, it doesnt sound fair.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Mon, 04/12/2021 - 1:53am

You will not have to read very far on this site to realise that step parents often get a tremendously rough deal from their step kids.  Egged on by the other bio parent in many cases (is bio Dad in the picture?) In your case, evidently egged on by the aunt - and I don't think that the fact you are transgender will even be the overriding factor in this picture - although it gives them a convenient peg to hang their hostility on.   

You can't force kids to like you, but you can require them to be civil to you and treat you with respect - and your wife MUST insist upon this with her two kids that live with you.   I gather K doesn't live with you - but any interactions you do have with her should be respectful, and your wife should have your back.    You say you "provide" for the kids - do you mean financially?   This should not be your role - it should be their mother's and their other biological parent's job.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Mon, 04/12/2021 - 3:21am

My very good friend went through the exact same thing when her BD was 21. The aunt turned her against her mother. She was absolutely crushed.

The only advice I can give you is to avoid some of the mistakes she made. 

She made things worse by trying to defend herself. Trying to reason with her daughter and setting limits on her relationship with the aunt. Everything my friend said or did was met with defiance and defensiveness.

They ended up not talking for a year. 

How she fixed it was she put her emotions aside, stepped back, kept the lines of communication open and waited for her daughter to come to her. 

Over time they became closer than ever, but my friend had to accept her daughter was an adult and her choices are outside of her control.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Mon, 04/12/2021 - 7:13am

I'm confused, you say they are "your" kids but they are your wife's kids, right? They aren't yours and don't owe you the love a parent would get. They do owe you the respect everyone deserves. Since she's an adult, she can make her own decisions about having a relationship with you or not. Her mother should insist that she treats you with respect, however. 

ETA: also, stop providing for these kids, that's not your job, it's your wife's job, and their father's job.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Mon, 04/12/2021 - 11:55am

Why does your wife let her minor children hang out with family who talk negatively about you? Why is she not telling her minor children to stop being disrespectful and doling out consequences when they are disrespectful to you? Why isn't your wife sitting her minor children down and dismantling the lies they're being told? Why isn't your wife telling her sister that she needs to stop and has lost access to the kids?

This is your wife's family, so your wife's problem. She has the control here. She can end this with the younger kids. Not much she can do with the 21 YO other than to tell her she is disappointed in her and she has lost the privilege to come into your mutual home until she can grow up and behave appropriately.

If your wife isn't doing any of this, she's just as disrespectful as her family is to you. You need to inform your wife that you're not sticking around for this for much longer, so she needs to get her family in order and stick up for you because you're not going to spend the next 30+ years being disrespected. She chose to marry you, and that choice means she needs to back you up. She needs to own her choice, not try to have her cake and eat it, too.