Excuses, excuses

My husband is away again, visiting his kids back east. This time it's SD's engagement party.

It's not like I'd want to go; the party's being hosted by the stepkids' maternal great-aunt who hates me. Last thing I'd want to do is go to that and no way in hell I'd let my kids go. They don't know anything about the issues with DH's first wife's relatives who despise me.

I don't really mind that DH is going. I just hate the excuses. My husband will never admit the problems between his kids and me. It's just excuses. He doesn't want to deal with it, so he doesn't. None of this is getting easier, after 8 years of marriage, it just gets harder. I thought once the stepkids starting getting married and having kids, it would get better, but no. It's more things that they only want their dad to attend. I'm excluded from everything.

I thought it would be helpful to write this blog. This is the only place that's taken my side. So many people in my life don't understand how angry I am at my adult stepkids. They think I should fall all over myself making them love me and if they don't- it's my fault. I am so sick of the blame. So many people in my life think if my stepkids hate me, it's my fault.

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SD's college fund is a long

SD's college fund is a long story, certainly it's one of the rants SD's used to turn her mother's side of the family against me.

To explain, DH was a recent widower when we married. Most of the issues with the stepkids had to do with 'mom's money' and their belief anything their mother might have brought into their parent's marriage was untouchable and should go to them, especially the 'college fund' even though it's legally DH's with no restrictions. I was angry SD expected DH to pay more than 35K per year for college when DH was still in debt from his first wife's medical bills. The stepkids all talked about mom's money, but none of them wanted to claim mom's medical bill debt. During the first few years of marriage, DH and I were not on a good financial footing, we were struggling and saved nothing for our retirement or for my kids' college, but SD's college fund was untouchable, even when SD stopped talking to her father and her maternal grandmother was paying for her education. Now the money from SD's college fund is going to his grandkids. DH is 'Dad' to my kids but the 9 month old granddaughter has more in her college fund than my 18 year old who DH considers his son. I don't want his first wife's money, but I am a bit bitter about the inequity between our kids. DH and I are not on equal financial footing, I could never afford to send my kids to the college DH sent his kids to. My kids are so competitive with his kids and it's not even a contest. They win.

Original poster here. There

Original poster here.

There wasn't a fight about money because I was largely kept out of any of the financial situation. I found out bits and pieces that made me furious. DH took out a HELOC on the house to cover his first wife's medical bills that was more than the amount in the college fund. The HELOC was only recently paid off. All the while the untouchable college fund sat untouched. Yes, that money was supposed to go to DH's kids college, but there was nothing in writing and no restrictions. Had DH and I gotten a divorce, that money would have been considered community property and I would have gotten half.

~ amen ~ Although to some

~~~ amen ~~~

Although to some of those statements I'd add the word "painfully" (painfully learn, painfully find, painfully realize)

I may be the odd one out

I may be the odd one out here, but I couldn't care less if I'm NEVER invited to any of the adult skids engagement parties, weddings, etc. etc. I'm sure if SD/golden uterus/baby maker ever actually got a man to marry her he would be an ex-con looking for someone's kids' food stamps to support him. SS26 still says he's gay...so....I don't get any "gay-dar" from him, and the signs just arent' there, but if he wants to tell everyone he's gay, he'll have to live and die by that little lie.

At any rate, I really don't socialize much with the skids. For that matter, DH doesn't socialize that much with them either. They only show up or come around when it's a birthday or Christmas or some other gift RECEIVING moment. I can't see me ever wanting to participate in yet another occasion to reward their personal irresponsibility. Fortunately for me, DH is a gem, and even though he has blinders on when it comes to SD, he KNOWS how I feel about all of their disfunction and he knows how little tolerance I have for it. These kids and their BM actually put some effort into being useless to society. It's amazing! My daughter, and my entire family for generations back, have worked our tail ends off to support ourselves, so his kids' lifestyle is completely unacceptable to me. DH knows this, and knows better than to put me in a situation where I would have to be involved in anything they do.

I say, while your hubby is off spending quality time with his personal disaster, spend some time reading a book, cleaning the house, having "whine" and cheese with the girls, or just watch a good movie and enjoy the quiet. You can always make these little situations work out in YOUR favor.

DH and I married less than a

DH and I married less than a year after his first wife died, which was a mistake. We should have waited. His first wife's family was on all the opposite coast, I didn't know anything about them until DH sat me down to warn me his kids' maternal grandmother refused to be in the same room as him and they all believed that DH and I were together before his wife died. DH and I were co-workers, we didn't get together until months after his wife died. Yes, it was soon, but it's honestly, pretty common. His kids know the truth, they don't believe DH cheated on their mother, but the skid's maternal grandmother refused to be in the same room as DH because of it. Everything from the skids' maternal grandmother & the rest of the family was about money. Golddigger was the 'least of what they called me.

Here's the story with my stepdaughter. When I married DH, SD was 17 and had about 6 weeks left in high school. She acted perfectly find, nothing like the stories of stepchildren on here. She never voiced any concern, was polite, etc. On her last day of high school, I came home, her car was in the driveway, her laptop was on her desk, the only weird thing was that the family dog was gone. SD called her father from the airport, she was leaving. All she took was the dog and a few personal things. She left her clothes, everything. She went to Grandma and Grandma bought her whatever she wanted. She never said anything was wrong while she was here, but as soon as she got to her Grandmother's, she apparently went on rants about how much she hated me and my kids and gave her mother's side of the family all the dirt.

Yes, I'd questioned why DH was spending so much on her college education, but this is also a kid who could afford to pay for her own school. I'm sorry, but my kids grew up without a dad to pay for things and these kids got everything they wanted. You just can't call them spoiled brats 'cos their mother died.

DH barely spoke to his kids until 2 years ago, when their maternal grandmother was going into hospice care and he had to go 'rescue' them. Everything until then focused on our family, now it's like DH has two families. DH is very proud of how well his kids are doing. I wish I could be part of that. They are good kids, they're not going to be calling asking for money or wanting to move in. But in part, the problem I have is that when his kids say they hate me, people assume I'm the one who did something wrong. I haven't. The real issue is that DH's kids can't accept their father moved on, especially marrying me and wanting to take care of my kids. They are still caught up with all the stupid little stuff about their mom, it's ridiculous. I just want to say 'get over it', but of course, I can't. Their mom died 9 years ago, get over it.

Everyone always says it gets easier when the stepkids start having kids. I disagree. It gets harder. When the stepkids don't want anything to do with you, it's so much harder to have a family where you husband is always leaving to go visit his kids, grandkids. My kids are really picking up on this, they're getting angry, and I don't blame them.

I don't want their mother's

I don't want their mother's money, I want to take care of my family. My kids' dad isn't in the picture, hasn't been since my kids were little. First contact he had with my kids was when DH was trying to legally adopt my kids and he put up a fight.

My kids have DH's last name, DH has spent 8 years raising them as his own. Yes, I prioritized my kids. My kids were the ones living at home, they were the ones who were having real issues when DH and I got married. That was in part why DH wanted to get married when we did. He saw my son was struggling without a father and was happy to step in and be a father to my son. I never would have married DH if he wasn't going to be a parent to my children as well.

It's not about the money, it's about the inequity. The inequity that his kids will completely shut him out of his life and DH falls all over himself trying to win them back. It's been my kids and I that have been DH's family for the past 8 years. I'm the one who had to deal with a grieving husband still in debt with his first wives' medical bills. And my thanks? My husband's will/living trust gives nearly everything to his kids, who already inherited a great deal from their grandmother.

SMKnowitall—I agree that the

SMKnowitall—I agree that the extent of your caustic replies posturing as “getting to the truth of the matter” do nothing more than cast aspersions on your motives—15 out of 32 posts on this thread have been submitted by you! That is 14 posts too many if the only opinion/advice you have to offer is that the OP should live with the sitch. You are bullying the OP and it makes you look like you have an axe to grind.

This is a complex issue and your BROKEN RECORD lopsided opinions and probes fall far short of being insightful. As does the maternal family and husband’s continued exclusion of SM saying she brought it on herself. Their lengthy focus on SM as the hated entity is preventing them from resolving their own guilt, grief, anger and the myriad of emotions that surround an untimely death.

My advice to you OP is don’t waste another second feeling guilty about other people saying you married too soon! And remember, no matter what the sitch is, there is always a truckload of folks who will jump on the bandwagon to encourage you to feel really, really bad about yourself. Somehow it makes them feel better about themselves. I have never understood this dynamic. It is truly bizarre behaviour.

Another piece of advice—your husband needs to back you up. You don’t “deserve” this extended ice field of emotional exclusion (that knowitall is trying so desperately hard to convince us that you do so deserve) and the anger that you are living with every minute of every day will make YOU sick.

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