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The Disengagement Manifesto

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Wed, 01/25/2017 - 1:04pm

Another gem that I have found on this site, for anyone new here, or anyone that needs to be reminded. I read it a few times a week!

http://www.fillingyourniche.com/the-disengaging-essay/

Comments

Xero's picture

Submitted by Xero on Wed, 01/25/2017 - 2:42pm

*tearful, fervent applause*
As someone new to the "rules" of disengagement but not the concept, this was VERY clarifying. Cheers!

jct918's picture

Submitted by jct918 on Wed, 01/25/2017 - 5:31pm

I discovered this about a year ago, and just re-read it periodically (actually, just did again right before logging onto this site).
This is so incredibly effective...it will really show you what kind of partner you have. If he doesn't step up, you should get out. It's really that simple. I have watched my BF of nearly 3 years do a complete 180 with regard to his (now) 13 year old daughter (I have no bio children). She's a challenge for sure (she is a mini version of her mom and grandma...a cycle that I don't see getting broken - they don't see themselves at part of the problem. But that's a whole different topic!). I don't involve myself in ANY parenting - his ex always involves her new husband, but I am adamant that I won't be part of these discussions/decisions because they should be between mom and dad. Period. I am there to support and help enforce whatever it is they decide, whether I agree with it or not. I have set boundaries in my home and make my expectations clear about respect. It has done wonders for my sanity! But I will say, if you find yourself saying "yeah, but" after every sentence in the essay, it may not be for you.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Thu, 01/26/2017 - 1:27pm

Well, every situation is different, I see it as a good guidepost. I re-read it - after printing it out, and have offered it to SO, but he is not interested (right now), in finding out all the stuff I am. Some folks aren't ready for full-on disengagement. I did not announce when/what I was doing, but rather put action to the words. such as no more rides to school that make ME late, because SD17 cant get her lazy patooty out of bed in time for daddy to take her, no special presents "just because", no specially cooked meals to her liking, she gets what she gets, no special outings, or shopping trips (especially not since her fateful new years day shoplifting snafu!).

However, I have also watched my So change in his actions, with my encouragement, and love watching him teach SD10 how to wash dishes, and really enjoy her sense of pride after setting the table, and taking care of the bunny. All things that I have encouraged! Yay. Success.
I have also set boundaries - such as no dog doesn't go on furniture, dog doesnt jump, etc...so its nice now.
SO is fully on board with me. We no longer argue about SD's!!!