Revelations...aka Where the Scary Things Are
SO. Im going to put myself out there...
Husband is afraid of SD16.5 Power Sulks Math teacher! He got the call last week (of course did not tell me), and she wants a parent teacher conference. Ok, so no wonder PS has been out of school "sick", and avoiding coming to our house...I KNEW something was up. Oh she has to stay home because she didnt get enough sleep the night before, etc. Oh she forgot some stuff...nope she knows shes in trouble and her go-to is avoidance.
When I got home and we had our chat, it comes out that the math teacher is concerned (wow, she cares!). Husband doesnt want to meet. Why? I think hes afraid. Afraid of judgement that he is being a "bad parent" whos kid is faililng, and Math Teacher (my new heroine) is going to put him on the spot. Require him to parent.
I get his frustration, I really really do. He only has about a year of more influence. He only has kiddo half the time and has no control the other half. He failed with the first one.
All I could do was listen. Be a version of supportive. Tell him that there is "always hope" for his kids to do and be better. That he can go one of two different ways - super strict, take away the new phone and supervise all the scholastic endeavors, or just leave it alone and continue doing what hes doing (hands off, wharehousing) until shes REALLY failing (because then hes still on the hook for child support) and swoop in at the last minute, have her take GED and then counsel her on the benefits of joining the military.
I really did try propping him up. And then I gave some tough love "you HAVE to meet with this teacher. And you HAVE to have a talk with SD16.5 Power Sulk. You CANNOT just bail out on this".
Then I got the final jab from him-who-has-to-have-the-last-word...(PM me to find out, because it might be offensive)
***** Edited to Add the following about joining the military**** From the link posted below - this applies to ARMY. Follow the link and scroll through the different branches
Recruits to the army are usually classified in three tiers:
Tier 1: Applicants who hold high school or college diplomas are generally categorized as tier one recruits.
Tier 2: GED holders without diplomas and high school dropouts are classified as tier 2.
Tier 3: No GED or High school diploma. This tier more or less doesn’t exist anymore.
If you are a GED holder with no college or high school diploma, you can raise your rank to tier one by completing 15 college credits.
Army recruits with GED certificates must also perform in the mandatory Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery (ASVAB) test in order to enlist.
This test is meant to evaluate whether a recruit has sufficient cognitive ability to serve in the army.
It also enables the army to determine what occupations (or MOS) a recruit might be most suited to given their abilities.
Whereas army recruits with high school or college diplomas only need a score of 31 and above to qualify, GED army recruits are required to score 50 percent and above in order to enlist.
In addition to meeting these requirements, all GED applicants must meet all the age, citizenship, height and weight, tattoo policy, and legal requirements in order to be eligible to join the army
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Comments
You need to master being
You need to master being utterly helpless to help him , no more offering suggestions or any other enabling comments. These situations with DH get no where, so why bother?
YUP.
However I am holding him accountable.
I Agree With Surviving
You should re-address your disengagment. You are too involved and it's not your job to hold your DH accountable when it comes to his kids. You can listen to him, give him the "I'm sorry" and the "still time to change" comments but other than that, your DH needs to be the one dictating what he does with his kid.
I don't say any of this with a mean spirit, CLove. I've walked your journey. DH and I had the same scenerio with his youngest.....doing so poorly in his senior year after I got him back on track with grades in his junior year. He then goes back to BM's where she and DH were suposedly doing the "work." I will say that DH tried. He visited the school but because his son was 18, they told him he had zero authority because of age and kid being with BM. DH did not follow up. End of the school year, he failed 5 classes, 53 missed days of school, and the school called. I handed the phone to DH. Not my problem.
My only comment was, no adult kids will be living here, mooching off us. That was my focus....making sure when BM kicked him out (which she did when the last CS check cleared), that this was not the dumping ground. Funny....both of the dropouts have figured out life. Happens when you set a boundary.
Did the teacher make a
Did the teacher make a meeting with BM too? She definitely should as PS has two homes. If DH doesn't go it makes it look worse. He also needs to understand the teacher won't be thinking he's a bad parent, she's just wanting to do her job and communicate to the parents regarding a student struggling in her class. They won't be interested in pointing blame, they only want communication with a parent for a solution to help the student achieve their academic goals of passing. You probably already have told him but it's not about him, it's about his daughter.
He was unclear
They dont communicate except through the child (all kinds of effed up) and he doesnt really know...
Wasn't there a recent
Wasn't there a recent conference about PowerSulk's attendance? (If I've mixed up posters I apologize.) If so, perhaps something was said at the conference that he did not tell you. He may be afraid to get called out for not following through with what he said in that conference.
Dear father of PowerSulk, avoiding a conference does not endear you to the teacher. She asked for the conference because she actually wants your child to pass this class. Your child not coming to math class is getting her further behind. No teacher minds catching up the truly ill, but all mind trying to catch up the frequently absent as with each absence they fall further behind. Attendance in math class is necessary for understanding as one skill builds upon the other.
It looks as if another summer school summer is in the wings.
Adding: Does DH realize it can be harder to join the military with a GED than with a high school diploma?
https://www.operationmilitarykids.org/can-you-join-the-military-with-a-g....
A phone call or something
With Principal.
And a phone call with Meanie Math Teacher. I guess since no consistently positive progress was made, its probably a follow up thing.
AHA
OK, Ill let him know...
Is SD physically fit enough
Is SD physically fit enough to join the military? Looks like she will have to do a 2-mile run in under 19 minutes and she will have to meet strict weight requirements. Also there are health requirements they must meet and of course the psychological stress of boot camp.... Is this something SD is really interested in? If so she needs to start preparing now.
Shes overweight
But in ROTC. Ill have to broach that also...when the time comes. Good notes, all.
If SD is in ROTC, the
If SD is in ROTC, the requirements for enlisting should be being talked about.
SD should be well aware of them.
Don't Rock the Boat - Baby...
Dear Clove,
My message to you in a nutshell is this.
Listen to this tune as you read the rest of my reply.
Click on this this link for the Karaoke tune of the Hues Corporation’s song - Rock The Boat- Baby
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZswrlsKamFw
When you get to the chorus, instead of singing, ‘don’t rock the boat” - sing these words:
Don’t enable rosy-glasses,
Don’t enable rosy-glasses, baby…
Don’t led the blinde man down the dark alley- baby...
Clove you are a smart woman! As a SP you’re exceptional! However, I think, you’re only mortal and sometimes think like the rest of us when we forget our top priorities as SPs:
#1. We as SPs are alone in Step Hell when we are married to Rose-colored glasses (in my case, rose-colored welding goggles) toting Disneyland Daddy-Os. In these cases, we (as the only sane ones in the Nut-Haus) have to put our well-fare, security and sanity above all else. So we need to learn disengagement so well it becomes an art form for us. Remember, we didn’t make these crazy-ass family dynamics or the wittle people (SKIDS) that showed up, and we certainly can’t fix INSANITY in any shape, form or fashion!
#2. We are the glue that keeps our marriages to these crazy-ass men together. Based on their track records, one, two or three divorces under their belts – they don’t have it in themselves to keep a marriage together and they don’t make good choices (case in point, do you have a crazy-ass BM- ex-wife(s) lurking in the background? Or do you have any SKIDS that are budding wittle personality disorders due to poor parenting and polluted genes? – hence we as the second, third and fourth wives (THE CLEAN-UP GALS) must do the heavy lifting! So expecting these dumb-asses to make better choices after a lifetime of crazy is not realistic. Better to EXPECT these crazy-ass men to make more of the same.
Survivingstephell gave you good advice – you must feint ‘learned helplessness’ just like your RCG-DD-DH, in order to meet priorities #1 and #2. Instead of enabling your RCG-DD-DH, learn to appreciate Schadenfreude. I do! My DH didn’t listen to me about his piss-poor parenting with OSD, and she estranged from him at age 14 and is still MIA. So now, when he brings OSD up – lamenting poor little me – I smile inwardly to myself and think, ‘he did it to himself!’
These crazy-ass men can’t learn from their mistakes because they refuse to see the truth and so history repeats itself. In the most annoying voice imaginable, my DH croaks as he is once again gaslighting himself,
“You need to stop Just K! My daughter wants to finish school.”
Ooooohhhhhh Really?
Her actions speak louder than her words.
YSD is failing all but one of her classes. She could go to tutorials, but she doesn’t. She doesn’t bother turning in her homework. She has no guilt about failing and she doesn’t get any consequences. All she does is watch Tik-Tok and talk for hours on her phone with her ‘friends and bf.” And her egg donor and sperm donor don’t see this as an issue? The only thing keeping YSD afloat is her rose-colored welding goggles toting Disneyland Dadddeeee helping her catch up. That’s if, she hasn’t scheduled a sexual hook-up with Clueless, her bf at her egg donor’s SkankHaus. The kid doesn’t have any desire to finish school unless someone (her sperm donor) is doing all of the heavy lifting. This creature doesn’t even wipe her own nose, probably doesn’t even wipe her own ass. To sum up - YSD (like her egg donor) is one of the laziest individuals I have ever seen!
Clove, you need to drop the rope. Instead of worrying about people who want all of the goodies you have to offer BUT don’t want to take any responsibility or accountability for themselves - learn to think about yourself and how to position yourself so that you don’t get:
Blamed…
Accused of things you never did…
Lied to…
Gaslit…
Sabotaged…
Scapegoated…
Hurt…
Taken Advantage of…
If your DH runs and doesn’t address the Math Teacher’s concerns, it’s none of your business. Just enjoy the shit-show as it unfolds and learn to appreciate Schadenfreude, if and when consequences happen to these crazy-ass, lazy-ass, self-gaslighters, responsibility dodgers, accountability-mission-impossiblitiers. There’s very little justice in the world – BUT when consequences come home to roost to these morally deficit individuals – just learn to enjoy the few pleasures we as sane, hardworking, responsible, accountable people can enjoy – when the Universe shows certain creatures a thing called REALITY!
I'm telling you in a long about way - to disengage so that, if and when consequences can show up and maybe certain indivduals will change. Your job is to protect yourself and adapt when the dysfunction affects you. Trying to reason with your DH doesn't seem to change him? And, you are seem as the problem? Then the best thing you can do is - disengage!
My disillusional DH thinks that YSD is "military-material" - that she can enlist at 17 if she drops out of high school or doesn't complete it. My DH keeps deflecting (another form of self-gaslighting) when I tell him, He doesn't want to give up hope that his other daughter is a failure just like his oldest wild child. He doesn't want to see that the egg donor has more influence than he.
"What will happen if YSD doesn't get into the military? She will be with us forever?"
Let's face it - YSD is a grifter - just like her egg donor and my DH is in denial! I'm not saying anything anymore - and I'm just waiting for the chips to land where they will.
Everytime, I want to engage in the insanity - I should play the chorus in my head and remember my two top priorities:
DON'T ROCK THE BOAT
DON'T ROCK THE BOAT - BABY!
DON'T ROCK THE BOAT
DON'T TIP THE (Dyfunctional, Crazy, Shit-show of a) BOAT OVER!
Great song!
I think husband must also be singing it because thats been his stance the whole time Ive been in his life.
"Dont want to rock the boat"
"Dont want to wake the beast"
"just leave it (when he sucks me into a discourse and I reply)"
He likes poking ME however, with his nonsensicle jabs.
Im like, ok, so if she drops out, takes GED or whatever, does she get a free pass to sit around stuffing her face and laughing with friends on her new phone?
Yes, in my case OSD SD23 Feral Forger is the grifter of the family.
I too get that whole fear of "ok military wont take kid. what next...?"
Blamed…BTDT
Accused of things you never did…BTDT
Lied to…BTDT
Gaslit…BTDT
Sabotaged…BTDT
Scapegoated…BTDT
Hurt…BTDT
Taken Advantage of…BTDT
I'd stop giving parenting
I'd stop giving parenting advice. He wants her to join military or circus, it's on him. The info about branches of military is readily available to everyone who's interested. Not classified. He could look it up. Like the rest of us.
Same whth seeing a teacher. Up to him. Many neglectful parents avoid teachers. He doesn't "only" has a child half the time. He HAS her half the time which she typically spends in her room and he is often with his boyfriend/best friend or fishing. So enough with blaming BM. It's up to him though if he meets teachers or not.
I am sure he hates teachers. He sounds like a typical person who thinks they are only after money and don't care about kids and are just out there to get these poor innocent parents. He sounds like one of those. "Wow, she cares"- is that his words/a quote? Like it's a surprise as they don't normally care. Rude. SMH
disengage from parenting. Not your job to hold him accountable to parent HIS kids. This high level of involvement is yet to produce any positive result. It always backfires
The "Wow she cares" comment is mine
I meant it totally sarcastically, because I am always emphasizing "no they arent out to get you, they dont WANT you to fail, they WANT you to succeed". And same to Husband. He sees it as annoying because its a poor reflection on him. He keeps telling me "shes her own person", then laments her "other half" thats deficient.
I dont want to have a lazy a$$ kid, and the next year I WILL hold her accountable because shes living in MY home.
Just remember how in the past
Just remember how in the past "holding them accountable about schooling" ended up very badly because you take over parenting tasks and it backfires. I'd say holding her accountable re keeping the kitchen clean and not stinking up the house (because it's your house) is a valid point. Her grades though, conference with teachers, her attendance are parental responsibilities. Taking over those isn't your job. I know it's frustrating but still not your job. Monitoring schooling is parental job. Every time you try to be her parent, it ends ugly. I understand you don't want to disengage but then you'll always deal with drama.
STOP!!! It's not your job to
STOP!!! It's not your job to hold her accountable or to hold your husband accountable for his parenting. DROP THE ROPE.
Let them crash and burn but be 100% clear that you will not be living with a sloppy, lazy freeloader after graduation. Not in your house. If that means you have to live somewhere else, so be it. Alternatively, SD can live somewhere else and if "DH" doesn't like, he can move out with her.
You will NOT succeed in holding her accountable in the next year. They don't want you to do it now and they aren't going to want you to do it next year.
You're a stubborn woman. I just picture you beating your head against the wall by continuing to try to control an uncontrollable situation. The only person you can control is YOU.
“Hmm DH yeah that sounds like
“Hmm DH yeah that sounds like a lot, what do you plan to do?” “My advice? Oh well I guess whatever you decide to do would be the best course of action, I’m just here to support you.”
He’s a grown a$$ man who can figure out how to take care of himself daily…I think he can figure this out…will it be what you want? Nope but that’s his piss poor parenting choice.
Topper
He had some revelations about SD23 Feral Forger too.
That as soon as he found someone (meaning me, Im the "someone") that was what caused FF to go off the deep end.
No Husband, me taking some of your attention from mini wife FF had NOTHING to do with her mental outlook on life as far as driving and job and cleaning and attitude.
Schadenfreude
If that's your situation - then practicing Schadenfreude - although covertly - really does save your sanity!
She was the PERFECT kid
So, around SD 16 Powersulks age is when I came into Feral Forgers life, so he is saying there is a correlation between my "arrival" and her turning into an argumentative, filthy, lazy, mean jerk.
I think she just opened herself up to a lot of darkness, and it really didnt have anything to do with me.
Wow. That's crappy of him to
Wow. That's crappy of him to say that.
Superficially
There would appear a correlation, however when you look at her genetics and the parenting and all the other stuff, its not connected to me at all. Not really.
He said she was "helpful and sweet", because she was the queen bee getting ALL his attention. She appeared happy when the mother moved out.
So, mini-wife under my nose the whole time.
I've been in similar
I've been in similar situations to yours. I wanted vindication so damn badly, but I finally had to accept that I was never going to get it. I went on strike. I never helped the SKs out again. I didn't help with HW, I stopped teaching SS piano and karate, I just stopped everything.
I totally agree with JustK's advice to enjoy the Shadenfreude when it comes. And it will. However, when the Shadenfreude occurs, you still won't get that vindication from your DH. I so badly craved that from my DH but was so sorely disappointed when despite my SKs, especially SD proving me right and turning out to be a personality-disordered cow and DH going through a two-year profound depression over it, he still did not give me that vindication. I had to accept that I would never get that from him. However, I secretly thoroughly enjoyed the Shadenfreude. It was such a degree that I had to frequently prance off into the ensuite to lock the door and do my secret gloating twerk. Honestly, it was that delicious. The karma started several years ago and continues today. I have some really delicious Shadenfreude going on right now, but can't say on here because it'll identify me.
The karma is already starting. The fact that your DH has to go in to talk to a teacher is karma. The fact that PowerSulk had to go to summer school or at least got assigned to it last year (sorry, I don't remember the details) is karma. So, just enjoy the fact that life is already playing out the fact that you were right and making efforts to do what was best for PS. Think of that and accept that as your vindication. We all know that neither of these events would have happened had you been able to stay engaged with PS's education.
Had to google that
The schaden thing - joy from damage.
I unfortunately dont have that appendage grown for SD16.5 Power Sulk. Just for Toxic Troll and Feral Forger.
No, Honey, Joy from CONSEQUENCES!
...Joy from consequences, from cause and effort - joy from every action there's an equal and opposite reaction.
Joy from:
if you REFUSE to parent your failed offspring
You SHALL be raising your grandkids!
A little satisfaction....
Evil4
If your DH had a long two-year profound depression (remember, depression is anger and rage turned inwardly), then your DH remembered your words, AT THE LEAST HE saw the consequences of his actions or inactions - but like a tick, he dug in - and refused to admit any part he played in the dysfunction. His depression developed.
He will NEVER VERABLLY admit his wrong. So, don’t expect it. What he feels is chronic shame - but no guilt. The shame - he will NEVER disclose to ANYONE, you are the last person he would admit it to.
Judge people on what they DO and what problems are directly caused by their poor choices and their responses to their poor choices - NOT on what they say - then enjoy the Schadenfreude.
My YSD, is failing all her classes except the one she really enjoys. Guess what? Next year, she can't continue with that class because she must make up the fundamental classes (the ones she hates). Karma is coming, and it's a B*tch!
Considering the USA's stand with China and Russia, we could go to war. YSD said she's in junior ROTC because 'it's easy’. Like her egg donor, she’s fat and lazy and didn’t want to take a gym class. Hence, she is playing military. She doesn’t keep up with current events – I doubt she knows what’s going on in Europe. But when I asked her if she would sign up at 17 - on her face, I saw fear. No, YSD just likes to play fantasy military, but she doesn’t have any real career plans. She’s just a grifter.
If there’s a war, this time, they are going to take women as well as men. YSD might be drafted and there’s no place to go draft-dodging at. Since she's lazy and never learned to take tests successfully - I see her being placed on the frontlines, in a foxhole, up to her hairy armpits in shit, putrid water, and filth, struggling to grift something from a fellow soldier or offloading her responsibility onto some fool. I pity the soldiers and commanding officers who will have to deal with her.
I am compassionate and caring. However, as a second wife and SP, I’m forced to have little say and control over YSD as well as anything that happens in the household. Because my DH set up the family system this way, without taking me into consideration, many times, I view his foolish decisions backfiring on him as karma and rightful consequences. Reality - biting him and his failed offspring in their asses! And, that DOES give me a little satisfaction.
SD16.5 Power Sulk
Everytime she talks about playing in the school orchestra I cringe inwardly. I bite my tongue. Because I really want to say "isnt that the same class you bailed on freshman year (she did zero assignments and it was during lockdown so classes were online...)
* See Schoolgate blogs.
I would love to see some repercussions happen, SOMEHOW.
I see a pattern here.....
SD makes excuses not to go to school when she's in trouble. DH resists meeting with the teacher cuz it might be uncomfortable. I'm seeing a pattern here....
Clove, I dont think any of us are strong enough to turn around these long-engrained responses. As you always say, disengagement is your friend.
Patterns patterns everywhere
I need something to drink.
LOL> but yes. The whole avoid all that is difficult and work and hard and yuky pattern.
Ive had discussions with her about the value of college. The value of any kind of continuing education. Her mother did not graduate high school. Her father did well in HS, but never completed higher education. Ive talked about the fun and joy of going to college...getting my bachelors.
Ive spoken to her about the 'poverty cycle' her parents and sister are currently in. She just nods her head.
Shes seen me work my way up slowly in a new career and all the benefits Ive reaped. Shes seen her mother through multiple moves and jobs, and struggling.
I need to really dive deeper into the friendship with disengagement. It wont matter in the long run. I already have plans for that room of hers.
I know but......
Your DH said Munchkin got the Section 9 place for her mom. I believe it, TT probably couldn't handle the bureaucracy. I think it's an achievement. Just saying.....
I regret
For some reason I think it was ME that mentioned housing money for low income with child.
And she took that ball and ran with it.
Im just getting to a better place for myself. I am not going to benefit her anymore.
SD16 has used and abused your
SD16 has used and abused your friendship.
You need to take the "kind neighbor" stance with your SD. Detach as if she was just a neighborhood kid. You keep an eye out for REAL physical danger, but otherwise take a hands off approach.
Abused
It seems like anything I ever did or do to benefit kid, always just benefits Toxic Troll.
Like others have said,
Like others have said, schadenfreude really works, but in order to enjoy her failure, you have to get angry with her. You aren't, and you should be.
Just have a fair sense of right and wrong....
I'm not angry with my DH or OSD or YSD. What I am angry at is - I worked hard my entire life and appreciate things. However, these creatures take everything for granted and don't appreciate anything. And, their lives are on easy street. No guilt, no consequences, no nothing.
Some people strive to be professional responsibility dodgers - and they get away with it. Not fair! Some become the CEO's that steal billions and get away with it Scottfree.
DH should value me as his life partner - however, he placed his failed offspring before me in the family system and has created two individuals who are deviants of society. When consequences come his way - I'm happy!
I am angry
But - here - have been told I should only be angry with Husband. Not the skids.
She's not an infant, she has
She's not an infant, she has choices, she is responsible for her behavior.
How old to be an adult?
In certain religions, a child becomes an adult around the age of 12. When does a person know what right from wrong is - age 7 or 8?
Again, how old is your SKID?
Many brain-dead bio-parents don't want to see that their failed offspring are individuals and do things just because they want to do them. My DH has seem them (YSD and Clueless) passionately kiss and YSD sport hickies on her neck and chest. Yet, DH thinks that YSD who is 15 is still a virgin even thought she and Clueless have had sleepovers, unsupervised at the BM's Skank-Haus. How delusional can he be? These parent doesn't want to see their failed offsprings as any BUT UNIQUE, RARE, SNOWFLAKE - THAT ONLY DADDY OR MOMMY CAN UNDERSTAND!
Are you talking about Judaism
Are you talking about Judaism? No a child doesn't become an adult. It only means in a religious spiritual sense not in legal or any other senses that a kid is now an adult. No, only in a sense of religious practice. And to my knowledge SD isn't Jewish. Or were you referring to a different religion?
No, you are misunderstanding.
No, you are misunderstanding.
There are times when being angry at SD and demanding she does things right is very appropriate. If SD leaves dirty dishes on the table, be angry with her. If SD walks around in dirty shoes and ruins your carpet, be angry with her. SD yelling at you like she's your equal, be angry with her
But dad refuses to monitor her grades or attendance, doesn't take her to Saturday school because he wants to go fishing, be angry with him. He ignores her going fishing instead and hanging out with his buddies all weekend, instead of checking how she's doing in school, be angry with him.
also if both SD and DH suck but you ever only angry at SD, but DH gets free pass, that's when people question why are never holding DH responsible but demand responsibility only from SD?
so of course it's fine to be unhappy with SD's actions when it's appropriate
YES.
I am definitely mad at him. However I am married to him. Shes "husbands daughter" that I am helping support.
In my book, NEITHER gets free pass.
You shouldn't be supporting
You shouldn't be supporting his DD unless you choose to. It should be 100% his responsibility unless you choose to help. You don't have to stay with her or do things or buy stuff or watch her when dad is gone etc You should only do it if you feel like it and don't feel resentful or angry about it. It is absolutely not your responsibility. Since doing all that upsets you, then the best course of action is to stop
and he gets free pass all the time. He does what he wants when he wants it
Your symptom is SKID But...
The root cause to your problems with the dysfunctional skid is the bio-parent.
Yup 100%
Yup 100%
Apples don't fall too far. Kid is avoiding school because she is in trouble as a student and dad is avoiding teachers because he is in trouble as a parent. Apple. Tree. Two pees in a pod. Like father like daughter. SD acts like her parents. That's a reality
Clove.. honey.. you married a
Clove.. honey.. you married a guy who is a poor parent. period.
He and his EX are both bad parents.
She is her parent's daughter.. they both seem to lack a lot of the qualities that would normally make people successful in life. They both seem lazy and willing to blame everyone else for their problems.
BUT.. it's not YOUR issue to fix. "I won't have a kid like that in my house"... sorry.. but yes you will.. because you married a guy who has that kid.. (a couple of them actually).. he has done a wonderful job of makng you think it's his Ex's fault.. when he has had ample opportunity to step in himself.. he let you do it. I recall he is not even capable of learning how to access the online portal? you give him too many excuses.. he is a mechanic.. supposedly has the ability to use equipment and fix complicated things.. he would do it if he thought it was important.. he doesn't.. he just wants to push it off.. he is lazy about parenting.. you can't change that.
He is capable to sign up on a
He is capable to sign up on a portal or request progress sent to him via other means. Or calling school to ask how the kid is doing. He chooses not to because he 1. doesn't care and 2. has someone else doing it for him. But he most definitely is very capable.
People make the time and
People make the time and effort for the things they WANT to do. If he can't figure it it out it's because he doesn't WANT to.
Just found this article.
Just found this article. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202302/3-ways-t...
Please look at all the excellent advice
Please look at and reread all the excellent advice you have been given on this site. I’m saying this with all my heart.
You keep saying that you are going to disengage but you don't really. You keep trying to control other people from a place of love in your heart, but it doesn't work.
Block yourself from everything to do with your SDs. Make sure that all alerts are going directly to your DH.
Then anytime anything comes up and your DH is talking about them, don't give him advice. Learn a couple of platitudes and use them on him. "Gosh, that sounds worrying, you'll have to think about what you are going to do" "I'll support you in your decision" "Hmmm" "Thanks for letting me know, now what about that concert/tv show/other activity."
If skid is messy, get your DH to clean it or pay for a cleaner. Don't try to fix her. Its futile.
If she gets a huge library fine, yawn and take 10x the amount your DH has to cover and put it in a savings account.
The only exception to this is to make is 1000% clear to him that no adult skids will be living in your home and mean it.
Many of the other posters have already given you version of this advice over the past while. I hope you take it. It will make your life calmer with less drama.
The time for that talk is looming
14 months. 1 year and 2 months.
Yes. I yawned as he took her to saturday school, and didnt say a peep about library books, nor mentioned anything to do with her.
She will get no energy from me.
And he did clean her room. I only saw it because the cat disappeared in there...
I think you might want to
I think you might want to start talking now because if you talk on the day of her turning 18 it will be too late.
I'd be also prepared that 18 year olds typically cannot be fully supporting themselves right after high school and can't afford their own place. Heck many fully grown ups cannot fully support themselves and need someone to share bills so id not expect her become fully independent on the day of the graduation.
So be prepared that she's not moving out of parents' houses.
But there have to be rules if they live at home. Options: full time in school and work part time (it depends on the type of degree though), part time in school and work part time or full time again depends, no school but work full time etc So these options have to be discussed and it has to be decided on what's going to be tolerated. I'd start now.
if your rules are that she will not live with you at all, then two options hsve to be discussed. If he chooses you, then he needs time to inform SD and BM that she must stay there and move out of your house and don't come back for overnights the day she turns 18. Or if he says my daughter stays here, you need time to prepare how are you going to handle your life. Are you able to support yourself in case of divorce? Or you aren't 100% sufficient? Is your house in a decent shape to be sold or can he buy you out?
bottom line regardless of the outcome, the conversation must happen now. Not in 14 months. Everyone needs to be able to arrange their lives ahead of time
Interestingly enough
See my post on Butter Bawl. She and I started that conversation. I presented the 4 different flavors of School and Work.
Shes getting a job this summer, and shes going to focus on getting her permit. GOOD!
Im going to see how things shake out with her mother gettting her new Beach Cottage with 2 bedrooms. She might just naturally transition to being there full time.
Im going to make it clear I need to be involved in those conversations if she wants to be with us full time.
I am open to it, with certain expectations being met and things lined up. I definitely know in our very expensive area that she wont be ready to launch fully, it will be a transition...I also know that if she has a room at her mothers without feral forger, she will prefer the beach cottage apartment over our lettuce curtained house.
Certainly TT and DH created these nasty spawn.
However, both of the nasty failed family spawn are the ones repeatedly choosing their behaviors.
You should by all means be angry with both of the nasty failed family spawn.
And you should be mad at DH and TT.
That your DH continues to make excuses, justify, gaslight you, and deflect on the behavioral and character stench of both FF and PS is deserving of the disdain you hold them all in.
There will be repercussions. You have seen them. FF is living them. As is and will PS. They are the product of their shit parents and it is likely that neither FF nor PS have the personal character or brains to avoid the shit outcome they are both experiencing at different points in the shit outcome continuum. There is joy in consequences. In cases like the one you are suffering through with your DH, TT, FF and PS, that is about the only joy there is in the SParent/blended family world. Until PS ages out from the CO and you and DH can escape to your own adventure with the 3 harpies screaching, crying, and gnashing their teeth as the fade into your pasts.
Time to just point out to DH that his failures are repeating. His cowardice is causing the same results for PS as they have already caused for FF.
Tell him that neither of his children will ever reside in your home after their 18th birthday because you will no longer allow yourself to be exposed to their toxic presence. It is okay to tell him that it breaks your heart to see his girls evolving as the shit that they are but that... is on him and on TT.
Take care of you CLove.
See my Butter Bawl AKA Sour Grapes Cryfest to CLove
Its addressing all this, and more.