Summertime and the leavins easy
So we are at the begining and now middle of week one of summer. Last weekend, no SD17 PS, and no word on when she would think of visiting her dear old dad and crusty SM (thats me, Im crusty).
Not to be held back, we were invited to a camping site for an impromptu camping trip. Its been so cold and foggy and dreary out here in Central West Coast, we decided to go south east a little bit, to a popular boating lake nicknamed Dragon Lake. Yes, we entered the dragon for you Bruce Lee fans. We hung out, ate, had adult beverages. Woke up the next morning sore and tired because the partiers next door went over the top with their shenanigans...had breakkie, coffee, walked around, swam around, played. We were with 8 other adults that were coupled and two toddlers. It was warm and dry 80's and pure heaven.
Im still a bit blissed out and relaxed.
Cue today, tuesday. I plan a little round robin trip to drop off some plant clippings to my friend in Beach Town (where TT and SDPS are) and then planned on going to pick up some veggies and do the farmers market thing. My mom had sent a gift for SD17 Powersulk, so I brought that to drop off. Because I know better than to go out of my way for ingrates that dont give a hoot about me or mine, just care about taking.
So, when I drop off gift, Skid mentions casually that she will "be with us thursday" like telling not discussing. Oh I ask, why thursday (because agenda for something that benefits her), and she is a little taken off guard because idk Im not her mother who "always just wants her" Ive actually gotten to enjoy the time to myself and the emptyish nest, and yes I was actually thinking about what to store in that room.
She just sais "because I just want to be there". and I left it at "ok see you Thursday then take care".
So, being that it is no longer her birthday, not even close I just think her reasons for this are:
1. She misses her dad and I lololololol
2. Shes sick and tired of her mother. LOLOLOLOLOL.
3. Her mother wants her to move in full time so she will be spending that time getting the stuff she wants and will leave the rest (like the 50 plus stuffies and dirty pads and stuff).
4. Our food is better.
5. She can read my mind!!!!
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You forgot...
You forgot #6, boredom. I don't think she is probably forward-thinking enough for #3. It's not personal, just ho hum, I guess I'll go over there. Don't forget, she's a teen on summer vacay. You and I are thinking "job", "educational plans", "driving". She's thinking sleep late, stay up late, raid frig.
Or, as SD61 said when she finally graduated from high school and I immediately enrolled her in beauty school, " I thought I'd take off this summer".
ahead or behind
Yeah, I agree shes not forward thinking enough in that way, but her mother is very conniving in some ways (money) and Im wondering if shes planning on getting the full custody because summer and friends and beach, and more money now that we are starting last 12 months where she can go to court and get more money. I guess through reading here thats always in the back of my head.
Boredome is here in our dusty old ag town, not Beach Town where the beach is walking distance, stores are walking distance and friends are walking distance and more willing to pick you up. Thats why its weird to me, but Im overthinking things again. I mean it wasnt brought up what her summer plans are, and shes already taken the job thing off the table with her exclamations about her mother cheating her out of a job...but only to me not to her father who really doesnt expect her to do anything.
closing my eyes and praying
closing my eyes and praying for #3
As noted
One one hand, the mother is conniving like that.
On the other hand, they dont think ahead and planning is not what they do. I think thats too far ahead for everyone (but me)
I’d say 3 and 2 and just bored.
That said, I would start planting the seed of "advance notice being needed when planning on visiting " at least with your DH, that way like mine you've got a year of "reminding" him once the short term memory loss of "I don't remember this conversation" conveniently kicks in. lol
I wondered
I wondered how that would/should work. Ive read enough on here about this "end of visitation" awkward phase.
Like, when in "legal visitation between both parents house" is it a freeforall where they can skip around as they please and then"after legal visitation has ended" its more structured and they choose that ONE place.
Either way, it would be smart for me to have that discussion, but you know, theres always been this weird undercurrent of "my mom always wants me there" and Dad is always just accepting of whatever they decide.
Mine at DHs old house.
Treated it like the family home. Even though they had never lived there per se. The oldest (46-47?) son who has never lived here or even stayed as a guest in our martial home has no problem opening our fridge and browsing around. The youngest (39) has as I've stated lived with us at least once a year since we married is a whole other level of entitled. Helps himself to anything and everything. That is if DH doesn't offer it first. He even side eyes something and DH is enquiring if he wants it. I think it's more normal to respect people's homes, my own grown kids knock when they visit which is never unexpectedly but I find the contrast interesting. Like I've said elsewhere this is my first go with the no kids at home and so far there has been a noticeable shift in that he texts me before coming and makes sure it's ok to come pick up things so there's that.
I think you should set that small boundary after you see how this summer goes. Asking to be notified ahead of time is not unreasonable. I'm glad I asked DH to set that early on at his home. It was nothing for his kids to drop by unannounced any time. When one Saturday morning I had stayed the night and we debated breakfast or cuddling the morning away and we chose breakfast and came back to signs of take out food and laundry having been done and DH acting like no biggie with no clue which of his kids it could have been. I pointed out it would have been a big deal if we had chosen differently and I would prefer he let ALL his kids know that he's in a new relationship and would appreciate a heads up before people turn up unannounced, otherwise I just won't stay the night any more. Simply asking for that with some of them was an immediate door closer. Things got said to him about" no longer being as available" when it wasn't even about visiting or spending time with him at all, it was that he wasn't as useful. It's taken 8 years to finally get them to accept that dad has his own life and a partner to consider as well and that's been more recent at that.
Boundaries
Ill have to put it in a way that it doesnt sound like we dont "want her there". Like shes 17, but immature, so shes still has "kid brain". No job no license to drive...just kind of floating along. And we should be ok with whatever "she decides she wants to do without discussion about it", and this is Powersulk we are talking about so discussion of any mature kind sometimes go south...into pouty mcpoutersonville.
Why didn't you just tell you
Why didn't you just tell you wouldn't be home?
Because...
I didnt tell her that because I like surprises...
I actually DO have some fun plans and if she had any interest at all, and had at least texted me back when it was a congrats and not about money and gifts, then I would have figured on including her. Or would have said "hey you want to do a shopping trip?"
But no, she threw away all consideration on my part with her complete lack of consideration...
OR
Her mom is having someone or someones over and doesn't want her there and told her to go to her dads
Ill have to add a number
That could be true since if TT leaves then Skid will have to stay to take care of the dog.
Yeah SD has started to change
Yeah SD has started to change things up a bit when it comes to the visitation schedule. She's almost 19 so to me there shouldn't even be here any more on set EO Wednesday nights and EO weekends but everyone (SD, DH and BM) love it so it's still happening. (At least she is only sleeping here EO Friday and Saturday so only 4 nights a month compared to 8 like it was in the past) What's bugging me is she is starting to switch a Wednesday for a Thursday. It's not a biggie if she is ASKING, but DH made it sound like she told him she was coming last Thursday instead of asking if it was ok. In my opinion if she can't make a Wednesday night then "oh well skip a week" If it keeps happening I will nip it in the bud. At her age she should be at BM's fulltime and come over for dinner when we invite her.
I still in over 8 years never bene able to go more than 6 days without having her here. I envy the ones onher that go weeks even months without having to see their skids! I know as long as I stay with DH that will never ever happen!!
My son stopped EOW
Long before 18 but I can't even imagine it going beyond 18. I mean wouldn't you think that now it should be more normalized to just get together on a more adult level? Like "hey we are having a bbq wanna come over?" Then she goes "home" To either her own place or where she lives the majority of time (moms?) I mean 19 yikes. I'm guessing this could continue until she actually launches or gets a place.
Why did you drop her gift off
Why did you drop her gift off? Should have just given it to her when she came over next. You put yourself in the lions den lol.
Thats just IT...
It was a gift from my mother and my mom REALLY likes feedback. Skid will open gift Ill snap a pic of her with it and send it on.
And now that shes been with her mother for going on 3 plus months solid, I just figured it would be a continuation of that...so my mom would be stuck in limboland over this gift. I was in the area and passing through...so it was on the way. She just comes out gets her thing and "buh bye!"
One thing I did.
I know it's a different situation than mine with YSS but at the end after every one is his prolonged visits I would gather up his randomly left stuff in our living spaces and put them with his previously left storage boxes, not in the guest room, then every chance I got I would show him where I put it and ask him to go through and consolidate the older boxes. Eventually, when he finally rented his own (very first place at 38) I told DH that his stuff needed to be moved either way, either to his place or down to our ample storage room. I was sick of it being in the garage.
So if she goes months again just start gathering up stuff and put it in a box in the garage for her to take next time or even take it to her as a last resort. Eventually maybe you'll be able to address the room situation and make it a guest room.
My son actually went and stayed with his dad one full summer from age 16-17 and it looked like he wouldn't return (but did) I began collecting his effects in preparation, he came back and then It only took four years to repeat lol. I do think it's a fine line, I don't want my son to feel unwelcome and like gtfo and stay out but I also want "our space" reclaimed. If that makes sense.
boxed in
That will be a careful line to tread.
The garage is Husbands man-cave and if I were to do the boxes thing, I would be keeping them in her room, and moving additional ones in there of my stuff that desperately needs a space. That was my big plan, after waiting an "acceptable time".
It remains to be seen if there will be any discussion about anything.
These are my thoughts:
Around New years (6 mos before End Of Visitation - EOV) have the discussions casually. What are your thoughts? (to skid. Not what are your plans etc...more what are your thoughts and 'needs')
In this way she doesnt feel booted out, its a convo here and a convo there. And if shes comfortable, I will be more than happy helping her out! Shes generally very collaborative.
Yeah I get that. Maybe….
Just slowly reclaiming the space will help nudge it. I think once it's not as convenient for them they find alternatives. Wish my DH wasn't such a damn enabler.