Ask her "Has anyone spoken frankly to you in those past 2 weeks or have they tiptoed around you only telling you what you want to hear?  It is very easy to not get upset when you are getting your way or being left alone but that is not real life."

I dont think she was accusing you of emotionally abusing her.  I just think she's a teenage girl, going through all those turbulent emotions connected with growing up who, on top of everything, has a very dysfunctional mother she is worried about.  I dont think it is about you.  I am sitting here thinking how I, as a mature adult, would handle a mother with all those issues.  My 14-year old self would have been overwhelmed, that's why I so admire her for trying to do what she can.  You and I know those efforts will be fruitless since nobody changes until they are ready themselves.  And, that's what you are trying to convey -save yourself, Munchkin, nobody can save Mom.  How sad, I feel for you.  I wouldn't exactly disengage, just step back a little while continuing to be her strong support.  She has such a tough road ahead, even starting high school as a chunky girl is rough.  Thinking about you all, please let us know how it goes.  Good luck.

I always think weight is a hard subject to broach with a teenager. As someone that has struggled with disordered eating her whole life, I actively try not to make ANY comments regarding weight (gaining or losing) because it encourages unhealthy habits. To this day, I struggle when my own mother comments on how much I'm eating or what I'm eating, ect. SD15 has put on some weight during this pandemic but she is fully aware of it and trying to solve the problem herself. That being said, she's 5'3 and 140 pounds. Munchin is VERY overweight. I honestly think I wouldn't have even brought up the rice and see if she went without, without saying anything. It sounds like the entire house could use a little reboot, and maybe munchin can get it too, without all the negative conotations of weight issues.

 I mentioned that I was concerned that she has zero activity level, and is mostly on her phone watching videos. 

"what Clove was saying is that you should go for walks or do some excercise to feel better, and be healthier

 things were going along smoothly. Until I expressed my concern that she was possibly going to not go to college because she is in "fixer mode

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Oh clove...I really do admire you for trying to be a good stepmom.  But girl you need to step back. You have needed to step back for years and years but you don't for some reason.  This child feels like she is responsible for your feelings AND her moms. 

I feel like you are sometimes way to hard on this kid but I also don't think you really mean it in a bad way.  But do you know what this teen girl heard from all of your comment above?  She heard that you think she is fat lazy and dumb.  Just step back and enjoy her.  Don't try to be her mom or fix her.  It is better on YOUR heart.  

You can't reason with her.  Healthy eating habits are learned.  You can jettison the crap from your house and she can eat what you serve, but she will still model poor behavior at BM's house.

I used to try and have "heart to heart" talks with Spawn because I knew she had no self esteem and was going to grow up to be Meth Mouths' puppet. She would engage for a bit and then suddenly she would change direction and I was the a$$hole just trying to make her feel bad about herself and how Meth Mouth was the best mom out there who loved her. I pretty much reached the point where I just stopped wasting my breath and would tell DH he needed to make sure his Spawn knew she wasn't going to be a freeloader in our house for the rest of her life.

As for the weight stuff, I had a talk with BD14 about this a few weeks ago. She has been very unhappy with her body lately and I told her she is beautiful, but if she feels unhappy then look at what she is eating and what she can change. We have exercise equipment so she can do that anytime she wants she chooses not to. I just told BD14 I love her and she needs to learn to love herself, but there is nothing wrong with being fit and feeling great too, you just have to take the time and do it.

Best of luck teenage girls are hard!

You take a deep breath, hold tight, and close your eyes. You're clicking up to the top of the teen years rollercoaster full of emotional loop-de-loops, plunges into loathing (you them and they you, and them loating themselves), corkscrews of "logic", and small calm areas where you *think* you are done but it's just a set up for the next twist.

And you'll still be holding your breath, eyes shut tight, white knuckled, massively nauseous, and bitter that you ever agreed to get on the ride when the almost adult comes up to you and expresses concern about you and remorse for the last year or so, and you'll wonder WTF? how are we back where we started, couldn't we have just skipped the rollercoaster?

If it's not there it can not be eaten.  You still don't understand that munchkin has a mother, it's not you.  What ever you do, care, will not change her love for her BM.  Her BM is going to be right all the time except when she is fighting with BM 

 What she really needs is a trained therapist who is not emotionally invested. I see her tears as being a sign of her recognising the truth but being overwhelmed by it and not wanting to let her mother down or know how to start to change and deal with the huge amount of guilt that she knows she will feel. You feel you are messing up because it is a difficult situation that you have no training to deal with (I assume). I don't think that you are necessarily doing anything wrong, just that you might not have the skills needed to know how to approach things and the emotional distance to know when your truths are helpful and when they are harmful.

As for getting healthier, I don't really know what to suggest. There are many diet options that do not involve restricting favorate foods such as rice so she needn't feel bad for wanting to keep eating it. Personally I think that talking about nutrition and getting a grounding on nutritional basics and portion sizes as well as basic cooking skills are key for kids to learn. Modeling behaviors for her to see is good too. Show her that you and her dad have spotted an issue and are taking steps to try to address it. Getting active yourselves and making changes and inviting her to acompany you on for some of the activities. All of these things may or may not encourage her to change her habits now but could stick in her brain so that when she is an adult she will know what is possible and know that she can make different choices as she has seen first hand how you and her dad took action.

3 words:  Dr. Jason Fung 

Chef's health scare lead him to an extensive fast and keto.

Would NEVER listen to me.  Even cut out drinking and his whole personality changed remarkedly for the better.

I just came back on myself and it's good to see your updates But sorry to hear things aren't great.

I think your SD sounds like a really good kid and she's lucky to have you as an awesome maternal figure. If SD hasn't cried in two weeks and suddenly cries in front of you, that's a really good thing. It means she feels emotionally safe in front of you. You have a lot to be proud of with her.

You're right to tell her that she shouldn't have to manage her mother's emotional and economic issues. That's way too much for a 14 year old to try and manage. Being 14 with no other issues is already overwhelming.

Which makes me think about 14 year old development. Her decision-making part of her brain won't be developed until after high school. I would keep the dialogue focused on her feelings and how valid she is, and let her know her mom isn't doing her best. Telling her to make better decisions with her mom might be somehting that's too hard to handle. But approaching situations knowing her worth will help her make better calls.

With the diet thing..... ok. (be warned, I love this topic and did my master's thesis on adolescents and weight issues so this might be a lot haha) I was a bit overweight in high school/early college and since then I learned how to manage my weight to now (I'm 36, 5'9" and 140lbs). The decision-making thing applies here too... if someone her age has access to junk food it's natural to want to go for it. The best thing for everyone to be healthy is to go slow. Start incorporating a little more veggie every day, and a fruit every day. Just have it out and ready to eat and incorporate more into dishes. Cooking is a wonderful way to be healthier, and an awesome way to bond! To me, any diet that says fruit makes you fat should be illegal because I'm sorry what?! Keto is just not sustainable long-term. Have tons of fruit at home to snack on. The fiber in it makes it  hard to go over-board. Blue berries are awesome to pop while you're watching TV. Grains are totally fine. Brown rice is great, sure, but I think white rice is fine too. Just get high-fiber sliced bread. We've really become distorted about what is healthy and what we should have less of because of all the marketing for different gimmicks. What should be limited are baked sweets, soda, including diet soda, (Seltzer water has been great for me when I was kicking my diet coke addiciton), and so many of those stupid "A RECENT STUDY SHOWS" rules. Don't follow the metabolism crap about "eating once every freaking two hours makes you lose weight" or "eating as soon as you wake up jump-starts your metabolism." Just eat when you're hungry. No matter what time it is. Including late at night. I rarely eat breakfast. When I do, it's because I'm hungry in the morning. I don't force myself to eat because it's been x amount of hours. and I don't deprive myself because it's been too soon or it's too late. Listen to your body in how it feels. Working out will never, ever cancel out eating garbage food (like cake cookies and candy). Let yourself have pasta until you're FULL and skip desert. If it has veggies in there you'll be satisfied for a long time. Before I step down from this Ted Talk I highly recommend this cookbook. you and your SK will get a kick out of it and have so much fun making delicious, healthy dishes: https://amzn.to/30d2IqZ.

Challenging someone on their choices and behaviour is not being emotionally abusive.  Challenging is often the most caring thing to do. 

This is an example that fits the hardest yet truest mantra of being a Stepparent:

'YOU CANNOT CARE MORE THAN THE BIO PARENTS'

As others have said, you have to step back.  Be a fun aunt or friend.  You have a wonderful heart but this is only going to turn on you.  Please protect yourself.

You need to stop this cycle that you have with Munchkin. It is damaging to you and to her. 

You need to step back and stop being so overinvolved. I'm not sure now how many times some of us have told you this, you agree, then you post another blog about how you overstepped again. Then you say "I'm going to disengage to protect myself". Who's protecting Munchkin? She's the kid here. 

I know you mean well but many of your  conversation and comments to SD are wildly inappropriate. Repeatedly bringing up her mother in a negative connotation is beyond wrong. Why are you keep doing it? No one should ever do that. You keep pushing but then are surprised why she cries.
 

This girl doesn't feel strong enough to tell you to stop all these inappropate talks so instead she cries. Now I know you have good intentions. But we all know what they say about good intentions 

you can continue caring about SD without doing unacceptable  things. I care about my nieces and nephews but I don't sit them down to bash their mother. It's inappropriate.  

please just stop. It's traumatizing for a child. Some of the conversations you had with munchkin made ME upset how inappropriate and pushy they sound and I could only imagine how these talks make HER feel. Your SD is a sweet girl that she keeps tolerating it (even though she cries). Your SD has to please and make happy both BM and SM, it is too much for 14 year to handle! Your SD is too nice I could imagine how my DD would react. It wouldn't be pretty. 

your SD needs a therapist but you aren't one and you cannot  be a substitute for a therapist (not like therapist would speak to her like that). Instead these conversations and this constant drama is further damages and traumatizes her. 

This is one area where I think it's massively important not to comment on another parent, including your own ex. Kids love their parents regardless of their behavior (that ole unconditional love) and until they are adults, have made it through puberty, and are on their own and no longer a full dependent living at home, they won't be able to be emotionally distant enough to recognize and compare their parents to others. Yet this still isn't the point to trash the other parent. However it is the point where I have allowed myself to say that I understand that X parent gets passionate about Y. 

I was always very careful not to trash a parent. If it was just an opinion of the kid (not that they were upset about a punishment and in the wrong and needed that reinforced), I would only say hmmm or try to point out how the parent views the situation. (And amazingly I did get DH to come around on that and stop making snide remarks about BM to the kids when he got frustrated.)

And for the ex of your SO, only speak facts. Kids shouldn't have to carry the burden of their parents opinions about each other.