Resolution...
I just feel like babbling...so please forgive me if I ramble.
I hold in my hands an ordered Stipulation to Modify Parenting Time and Child Support. The key point is the following provision:
15. The children named in this stipulated modification to the parenting plan are scheduled to reside one-half of the time with the Mother and one-half of the time with Father. Both parents are designated the custodians of the children for the purposes of all federal and state statutes which require a designation or determination of custody. This designation shall not affect either parents’ rights and responsibilities under this stipulation.
Eight months ago BM was ready to strip DH of what little parenting time he had and wanted double the child support. Now....DH gets the girls 50% of the time and has cut his child support in half. How did we get here? I'm not quite sure.
I do know this. I am to be held accountable for my participation in the absolute muddled life that was mine not that long ago.
I challenged BM directly and indirectly as a constant. Whether it be by demanding a receipt for a purchase that DH was ordered to pay half of, refusing to buy school supplies because it wasn't ordered by the court, making my presence known when it wasn't necessarily needed, interfering in the arguments between her and the father of her children, reciprocating juvenile behavior because "if she does that, well than I'm going to....", even once throwing a birthday party for her youngest daughter and not extending her an invitation based on her inability to be civilized, and I could probably go on and on.
I was a warrior. When BM challenged me to a duel, I very ungracefully accepted. I had no idea what I was up against, nor did I realize how unfair of a fight it was going to be. I didn't know just how far she was willing to go to win the power struggle between her and I. I didn't understand that the casualties would be far worse than just my pride. DH and the girls suffered far worse than I could have ever imagined. BM is immature, irrational, vindictive, selfish, malicous, and unwilling to compromise. BM tends to do what's best for BM, not taking into consideration of those around her. And I, no matter what I'm up against, try to at least keep the gloves above the belt so to speak. So in essence, I was losing the war. Far worse, my marriage was on the brink of dissolution.
So, I conceded. I decided that just because she was guilty of a thousand hypocrisies, I would no longer take part in the battle. I would grant her the gift of my disengagement and no longer demand that DH include me in THEIR decision making because I so naively thought that I knew better than them. I swallowed what was left of my dignity and choked on all the words I wish I could've said. Call me weak and say what you want....but it worked. So she wins by forfeit. Team Colorado Girl couldn't stand in the rain anymore and just wanted out of the storm....and now there is lots of sunshine.
I have a life of my own and my very own concerns. No longer will I ever reduce myself to the small-mindedness that I once radiated.
I don't need to prove my status or my place in my husband's life. All that matters is that HE understands and that HE meets my needs. He picked me to be the one he grows old with and boy am I lucky for that....
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Comments
Bravo!
Good for you! You know, eventually you get to the point where you wonder what you're really fighting for, anyway. I got there, too, and realized that it just wasn't my fight. DH has my undying love and unending support, but he's a grown man. He doesn't need me to wage war for him. He's fully able to do that himself, if he so chooses. And really, it's his choice to throw a fight every now and then to keep the peace if he so chooses.
It's so easy to get caught up in fighting for what is right or in defending ourselves and our spouses against a hostile BM, but at some point you have to realize that the wall you keep banging your head against isn't moving and you're only hurting yourself in the long run. That's the best advice I think a new stepparent can ever receive... be supportive, yes, but don't take over. Even if they ask you to, don't fall for it. There are lots of things my husband does better than me. Likewise, there are lots of things I do better than him. His way of dealing with BM may not be my way of dealing with her, but she is his problem, not mine. I listen, I encourage, I support and I let him know I'm there if he needs me. If there's an issue that directly impacts me and/or our family, then we work it out together. But I refuse to get caught up in petty squabbles of one-upmanship. It gets me nowhere and it proves nothing. I have found that it is best to work those issues that impact me directly through my hubby, not through the BM.
I'm like you, CG. I'm secure. I know where I stand with my DH, with my kids, with my skids, with my in-laws and with BM. BM has nothing that I want, so there's no need for me to fight with her. It seems so obvious now! I wish I'd figured this out years ago...!
♥ Georgia, the un-stepmom ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Not only that...
our husbands start being caught up in trying to please an unruly BM and a resentful wife.
So I say let him pacify her or rip her a new one on his own terms. As long as my very reasonable expectations are met including the proper boundaries, he can deal with her any way he sees fit.
I also wish I could've figured this out a long time ago. I think it would've prevented a lot of the turmoil. Oh well...I always was one to figure things out the hard way while traveling down the longest road possible.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Question
So I totally don't think you are weak! Quite the opposite in fact. I too have done this disengaging thing and I find that I don't have much to post about or call and complain to friends about anymore.
I took back MY life!
I do have one question though...what happens, I mean when there is something that is SOOO important that affects your step kids so badly that you just can't stand by watching how do you disengage then? If DH wants to fight the fight but doesn't have lets say the resources to do it alone what do you do then?
I am at this crossroads and I so badly don't want to get sucked back in but what do I do? How do you cut off the morality? Or do you?
I don't think..
you should ever compromise your morals. You just can't dictate what you think is best.
For example(on a very small level), before BM was with the latest now ex-BF, BM would allow men to stay the night at her house during the week while the girls were there. Her front door was a bit of a revolving one and DH (and I) just thought it was unecessary being that they could spend the night on (any and every) weekend when the girls with us. DH voiced his concern that he thought she was setting a bad example, blah, blah, blah. She never changed her behavior, she just ended up committing to a long term relationship to one of them.
But here's the thing....it is HER choice. She is their mother. If she wants to put it all out there, we really have no say in the matter being that the girls were never in any imminent danger, just not in a preferred situation. My morals differ from hers but it just doesn't necessarily make me right and her wrong. It just makes us different.
HOWEVER, when BM decided to take DH to court to decrease his parenting time and increase his child support obligation, I did help financially and assisted with the paperwork because it helped the overall situation. So, I think it is impossible for us to completely disengage when a crisis arises.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
It's amazing isn't it?
When we show up we are mom warriors. I like that image.
Then we slowly realize that it takes two to fight.
However....BM in my case never even recognized that I was a contender, or how I tried to support her and even at times defend her to SD. Or rather rationalize her to SD. She never knew or appreciated when I stepped back, or tried to get SD to reconcile their relationship. If she did, she considered it a weakness of mine and moved in for the kill. She and SD both like to create drama actually, and I think both of them somewhat enjoyed the custody case, as BM dragged it out to the last day before conceding. And now that the fight is over, she has in fact stepped back herself. Rather than throw herself into her child she has no problem with me being the surrogate now. If she would even call once to discuss one thing that concerns her, or not try to sabotage SD's therapy, but go herself with SD. ANYTHING.
I am very proud of you CG. Painfully self aware myself, I understand this kind of reflection.
The sad part for me is, I only stepped up when BM didn't give me any other option.
Now I'm disengaging and SD needs me to re-engage. I just don't have the energy left. I am trying not to attach to outcome.
Interestingly enough...my engagement is what allowed BM to concede custody. Where as your disengagement is what allowed your BM to give in to fairness. My BM will never think anything is fair. We "took" SD away from her, but yet she never stepped up to having her the time she was supposed to in the first place.
Although...with mentally ill BMs... they tend to be predictably unpredictable as SD's shrink says.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
I wish I could help you...
I really do. I wish I could say something that would make it easier for you to get thru all of this.
I know what it's like to live on that brink....always awaiting the next crisis. Fearing the next phone call and literally bellyaching over the next interaction.
I'm lucky. My stepdaughters have not been corupted completely by BM. They have some bad habits, like my hypochondriac SD9, I love her but she has more ailments than an 80 year old. The oldest, I think, is on the verge of becoming a disaster while with her mom. She just doesn't respect her anymore, you can tell by the way she talks to BM.
All I can say is what I always say...just keep setting the positive example that you set and hope that SD finds her own way.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Things are looking up!
Plus SD is going to CA for a MONTH as soon as school lets out. I've already lost five pounds just dreaming about it
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
No weakness
I see it as enlightenment CG. You must feel 100lbs lighter now just not carrying around the hostility for BM. I am so glad that the outcome has overshadowed the hypocracy and ugliness of your former dealings with her. I think this is a step in the right direction for all of you and is a great inspiration to your friends here.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
I do feel like a weight has been lifted...
I just wish my ACTUAL weight could be lighter...
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
You and me both
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
what led to the 50/50 split
what led to you and your husband going to court and gaining 50/50 of the children? Did you have anything against the BM that would warrant a modification? How old are the children?
MamaGretch...
Please refer to my previous posts for a better explanation of my situation.
BM was the one who took DH back to court to modify the existing order. DH hired an attorney (a very good/expensive one) and filed a response that stated that he was absolutley unwilling to compromise losing out on any more parenting time. She filed pro se and really had no grounds to increase her parenting time. The girls are 5,9, and 11.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
thanks
for responding.H and I are pending date to go back to court to seek 50/50 due to mother alienates SS from H by not allowing visitation occasionally and constantly degrating H to SS or in front of SS. Other issues such as not giving him his daily meds and school absenses are our reasoning. So I was just wondering about others who have obtained this 50/50 split and what my chances are based on our situation compared to others. SS is almost 8. This is without a doubt the hardest job of my life...being a stepmom!