I can't handle this

"I can't handle this anymore." These were the words that BM said to DH in regards to SD12. She called today to talk to SD9 (or at least that was her cover for calling). At the end of the call, she asked to talk to DH. She tells him that SD12 is failing most of her classes and is a behavior problem. BM said that SD12 is out in the evening and won't come home. She is late for school every morning b/c she refuses to get up and it results in a 2+ hour fight. And apparently, she has ramped up her fits and is very violent, going so far as to bite her SF. So she doesn't want SD12 to live with her anymore. DH told her that he was still willing to work with her to find a place where SD12 could get counseling, whether it be a special school or putting her in the hospital. BM told him that she doesn't want to put her in a hospital. She just wants her to come back to live with us. DH told her that was not an option. He told her that she helped create this mess and she has flamed SD12's hatred of us so she is going to have to be involved in trying to fix the situation. He told her that he cannot allow SD12 to come back here and terrorize the other 3 kids we have in the house, especially if she is even more violent that before. Plus, he didn't think it would be good to move SD12 again. As DH pointed out, she was the one who went back to court and said we were abusing SD12 and we couldn't be trusted with her. The C/O has already been updated and she is the custodial parent for SD12. She can't just dump her here whenever she doesn't want to do the work. If BM wants to work on getting SD12 some help, he is on board and willing to pay for it and help in any way he can. But, he didn't think passing her back and forth would help the situation.

BM's response: "This is all your fault, d@@kh@@d! If you hadn't abused her, she wouldn't be like this. You should have left well enough alone and let me keep the kids. They both hate you. I can tell how unhappy SD9 is. You're a piece of **** and I hope you rot"

At this point, DH hung up on her. He didn't respond or answer when she called back.

And, she wonder where SD12 learns this crazy behavior.

CompletelyPuzzled's blog
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Yep - JT also said it comes

Yep - JT also said it comes all the way back around.

I think he's right

Good for him! He handled that

Good for him! He handled that exactly how he should have! When BM kicked SD17 out of the house and she was homeless for awhile. DH's family tried to get us to take her but he refused for the same reasons, she has threated to cut his throat, threatened to hurt my BD and claims to hate me. His mother ended up taking her which is better for everyone and DH is trying to build a relationship with her, but we do not trust her and didn't and still don't feel comfortable allowing her in our home.

My SS spent 3 years in juvie

My SS spent 3 years in juvie and in treatment center with intensive therapy. I read the reports and SS refused ot talk or cooperate with the doctors or the therapy. He refused to get the help and hasn't changed one bit since he has been out. Of course, none of the crap he has done in the 3 months he has been out is his fault....and DSO believes every excuse and reason SS gives him as to why he behave the way he does.

They say by age 9 their personalities may be set and at times can't be over come.

bear, it's age 7 that their

bear, it's age 7 that their morals and behaviours are set by Only with a child's willing participation can they get assistance from therapists.

Which explains why ASS is

Which explains why ASS is such an ASS.

I agree. She needs intensive

I agree. She needs intensive therapy. She is violent and intense. She was diagnosed with several disorders. BM doesn't agree with the diagnosis, at least she didn't when it was discussed the last time. I don't know what she thinks now. SD9 talked to her half sister (not SD12, one of BM's other kids). The half sister told her that SF threatened to leave and take the other kids after she bit him. He told BM to get this situation under control. I guess her way of handling it is to pawn her off on us, instead of actually getting her help. She told DH last night that she will not agree to sign papers to put SD12 into the hospital.

Good for DH!!!!!! How

Good for DH!!!!!! How thrilled are you that he stood up for your household?

Have you still not given

Have you still not given birth

Nope, BS6 came a week early!

Thing1 and Thing2 were 8

Thing1 and Thing2 were 8 weeks early!!

I feel bad for SD12 because

I feel bad for SD12 because she was just BMs pawn in this mess, and will pay for it the rest of her life.

On the other hand….It gives me a smile to see this BM get back what she gave, 10 fold over. Your blogs always made me cringe because your BM was truly one of the worst on this site and now she is paying for it. I figured it would happen but not this soon.

PLEASE have DH get some of this recorded or on email. I have a feeling history will repeat itself with SD9. It would be nice to be able to show the judge how bad it was to let SD 12 go live with BM in the first place so maybe they won’t try to place SD9 with the hag. She can’t claim abuse if she is shown to be trying to make you take the other kid.

Swap your SD12 for my SS16

Swap your SD12 for my SS16 and I could have written. Right down to the BM cussing DSO, or me, out bc she created the mess and now can't deal with it.

I drew a line in the sand and said SS16 is not allowed to live in our house...same as you and your DH, other kids in the house we have to be concerned about. DSO keeps telling me all the excuses and blame SS is putting on everyone but himself, but I just change the subject and keep my resolve.

If SS would live with us, DSO would have to quit his job. The only way he could do this is if he also went on 100% welfare for free housing and food. Stand strong and try to convince BM to get her help.

I guess I should be grateful

I guess I should be grateful that BM couldn't handle the monster she created when SD was only 3. She gave her up then. It's been hell but we are making progress with her.

I'm sorry Completely. What a

I'm sorry Completely. What a crappy situation but I am glad DH stood firm.

Bearcub25 - when I read your

Bearcub25 - when I read your opening sentence "My SS spent 3 years in juvie and in treatment center with intensive therapy" - I thought "Did I write this post last night?" And as I didn't even have that glass of wine or beer before bed, I was about to get worried that I was way more forgetful than usual.

My SS30 also spent 3 years in juvie (3 1/2 to be exact). He's been in more treatment programs than anyone could imagine. Even his not so pure and innocent peers from back then (who are now productive young men) refer to him as being "totally off the charts".

He's definitely an alcoholic (even admits it), but is now quite proud that he doesn't get "crazy" drunk every night - just "sloshed". But enough to piss off his GF (and babymama) who doesn't like it that he drinks to get drunk every single night. Who would?

I fortunately was not around for SS's teen years. He was already in his early 20s and had been thru virtually every kind of treatment that he could be put in before he was 18. Not much one can do after they are no longer minors.

OP your DH is in a very difficult situation now - I agree with not taking her into your home. But one cannot just toss a 12 year old out on the streets (like we could with SS when he was in his 20s). She's got to be forced into treatment of some sort but don't get your hopes up too high that it will be successful. But her parents still have to keep trying to do something as long as she is so young.

I can't even imagine dealing

I can't even imagine dealing with behavior problems like some of you are describing.

My SIL has a SS now 20 I think who is in prison for molesting his younger sister. It's a very odd story. Apparently it happened the first time when my niece was like 4 years old or so an her SS was 9 or 10. Of course CPS was involved and SS was removed from the home and went to counseling and all that. The counselor working with the family said that he had performed psychological tests on SS and that he did not perform the way sexual predators do on them. The counselor said without a doubt SS is not a sexual predator, he was confused about problems with his mother and couldn't express himself and there was no problem with letting him back in the house with DN. So they did and loe and behold about 8 years later it happened again so now he is in prison.

SIL has said over and over again that the doctors never could figure out what was wrong with SS. At one point they thought it was ADHD but while a cup of coffee would calm him down none of the ADHD meds worked. She said they went through a bunch of possible diagnoses but none of them fit because he would show a few symptoms of a bunch of different things but not other symptoms of them. I think she has sort of decided that it was a combination of fetal alcohol syndrome and neglect in the first few years of his life but he is in prison now so it's pretty much too late to do much of anything now.

What really scares me is that SIL has commented that SD5 shows many of the same characteristics that her SS did at that age. She has stated that BM did drink when she was pregnant, it may have all been before she found out but apparently she was like 3 months along when she found out so it could have happened multiple times, she was on Zoloft when she was pregnant and reportedly popped a bunch of OTC pills like Tylenol and things like that so there is no telling what all that did to SD5's developing brain.

How old were your skids with these massive behavioral problems when they started exhibiting symptoms? I assume, for those of you who were around when these kids were really young, they started out relatively normal and as time went on the problems became more and more apparent, is that correct? We are taking SD to a neuropsychologist in the near future so maybe that will shed some light on the problems.

I was not around until SS30

I was not around until SS30 was an adult. But I know that he had his first in patient psych evaluation before he started first grade. He was diagnosed, rediagnosed, medicated, not medicated, had intense therapy, etc for years and years. Something is really wrong with him. He is very good looking and can be charming and kind. But he has zero control when he goes off on one of his rages (usually fueled by alcohol).

A friend's child I've known since birth. Her mother was my college roommate and her father was the boy who lived next door in our apartment complex. Both parents are lovely people. Their daughter was born when both were in their late 20s and was a planned child after marriage. The other two siblings were close behind her. Her siblings are normal - totally.

This was a loving, intact family. But the daughter was noticiable "different" even at age one. But who would look at a screaming one year old and think there was something wrong with the child? Especially not me a childless 20 something myself. It's only in retrospect that looking back I can see how "not normal" she was. She was the most hostile, beligerant child ever by 9 or 10.

She is brilliant, finished with honors at a great college, got accepted to a tough PHD program in the sciences, etc. The parents literally spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on her therapies and treatment programs across the nation for a couple of decades. Net result - unmedicated bipolar who self medicates with drugs and alcohol. Last I heard she was in prison.

I honestly believe in both of these two cases there is not one thing that could have changed the outcome. SS30's BM works in a hospital and her father is a doctor. SS had access to some of the best care available. Same for my friend's daughter.

In some ways SD5's behavior

In some ways SD5's behavior has improved. She no longer starts crying every time she doesn't get absolutely everything she wants. When she was 4 there would be tears if she didn't have her Dora the Explorer plate at dinner. There were tears if she was given milk instead of juice. There would be tears if she was told the pajamas she wanted that night were dirty, etc. That has gone away for the most part. Now, part of that was because we quit giving in to the pouting fits but I think part of it is she is growing older and maturing somewhat.

However, the emotional outbursts have not gotten better. It doesn't happen too often but something will set her off and she will just start yelling at either DD10 or a classmate in school or whatever. Will not, no matter how many times she is told, ask for help when she needs it, will not get an adult when she is having trouble with another kid, etc. I posted a blog just the other day about how she just started yelling at DD10 through the bathroom door for reasons unknown.

Her paternal grandmother was diagnosed bipolar about 30 years ago and it is suspected that BM is bipolar as well though we haven't had that confirmed but we do know she has depression and was on antidepressants while pregnant. I know there were allegations at one point that when SD was a few months old she would just start screaming inconsolably and BM told BIL that the doctors were concerned SD had been born addicted to the antidepressants. No one knows if this is true or not but that's the rumor.

When SD first came here when anyone would speak sharply to her she would freeze and hang her head. She wouldn't make a sound, wouldn't respond, wouldn't move, nothing. Just stand there with her hair over her face. It was so creepy. She doesn't do that anymore, she replaced it with screaming fits.

We do know there is something neurological going on with the sensory processing disorder and toe walking and developmental delays but I'm not at all sure there isn't something along the lines of bipolar going on either.

BM won't agree to put SD12 in

BM won't agree to put SD12 in a hospital because she's afraid of what SD would say about her.

Somewhere, deep down (really really really really deep) BM knows that she is mostly to blame for SD's current behavior and will not allow for therapy to bring this information to light.
Therefore, screwing over her daughter yet again!!!

I agree with the others, I really hate this BM, she's destroyed her daughter. She started when the kid was in the womb and hasn't stopped. That poor kid had no chance, really.

This shit pisses me off to no

This shit pisses me off to no end... because it's basically what happened to us with SD18. She lived with GBM because that was what she wanted. Of course that's what she wanted because GBM let her do whatever, whenever, wherever and DH was always the bad guy. So fast forward.... SD is now 14 and acting the fool, going out and not telling GBM where she is, failing literally EVERY class at school, not going to school and on and on. So DH decides he needs to swoop in and "save" her. EPIC FUCKING FAIL!

You can't save a kid that age from themselves and why should dad have to"fix" a kid that BM spent years turning into a monster all the while telling kid that dad is a worthless moron??? So glad your DH said no. If BM won't agree to put her in a RTF or hospital and get her the treatment she needs, then I promise it won't be long before the police, family court or youth court need to step in and do it for her. Let BM crash and burn with SD, this is what she needs since this is all HER fault!

We do know there is something

Sounds like she is on the spectrum. High Functioning autism? Has she been tested? 5 years old right?
Girls are often harder to dx then boys.

Yes, she is 5, going to be 6

Yes, she is 5, going to be 6 in a week though.

Is so confusing. We took her to a child psychiatrist last January who agreed she needed to be tested for autism. We had an ADOS test done at the hospital (and what a nightmare that was let me tell you) and the psychiatrist got the results of the tests and the paperwork we have from her says she diagnosed SD with ADHD, anxiety, mild high functioning ASD, and sensory processing disorder.

However, apparently the records sent to the pediatrician does not say that because he didn't seem to think she had been officially diagnosed with anything. She had been going to OT and speech therapy for about 9 months or so where they were working on gross motor skills and speech issues but she just graduated from that. The psychiatrist said she had a pretty obvious speech delay. The first speech therapist we worked with did an evaluation on her and said she was pretty sure SD has an expressive/receptive language disorder but she could also tell that SD was yanking her chain too. After switching to a new speech therapist (who appears to be a pretty recent grad) she feels that SD does not have an expressive/receptive language disorder though she was working with SD on the social aspects of carrying on a conversation and expressive language skills. The OT said emphatically that SD is NOT autistic but the summary of diagnosis and treatment recommendations the psychiatrist sent us said she does have mild high functioning ASD.

We were going to look into medication for the ADHD but the pediatrician said she is too young to be diagnosed with that which is confusing us since the psychiatrist was halfway through writing a prescription for meds a year ago. We don't know if the psychiatrist was just burned out and looking for easy answers (she recently retired) or if she was experienced enough to know the disorders in kids that young when she saw them or what. I don't know. I'm hoping the neuropsychologist will give us some more clear answers.

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