No Disney Dad here
My Dh is quite different from the dads I’ve been reading about in this site so I’m not sure what to do. He is the complete opposite of a Disney Dad. I know that should be great but it is not. He is overly strict with his two sons (SS6 and SS8). We have the skids 50% of the time and the moment they set foot in the house, he becomes a really authoritarian figure. He criticizes the skids constantly. Pretty much, they are lazy, liars, they can’t do basic things and very manipulative. In his mind, they are exactly like BM (who is the typical Disney mom, a pathological liar and possibly with a personality disorder who doesn't set any boundaries with the skids). Dh fought her for custody of kids and managed to get 50% but he feels that as long as she has primary custody, skids are doomed. In fact, he thinks it’s already too late for them. They are losers (in his mind). Now, skids are really sweet kids. They do manipulate the situation but it is very obvious what they are doing. They are completely normal children and in fact, they are pretty balanced given what they went through. I have been in their lives since they were very little and they love me very much. In fact, I would say they are more attached to me than to their dad (which is not surprising, given how he treats them). DH and I have had so many fights because of how he treats his children. In his mind, I’m always excusing their behavior. When skids are home, I try to distract them and do activities with them. I’m the one reading them at bedtime, helping them with their homework and feeding them. DH can’t do any of those things without getting frustrated and yelling at them. I feel overwhelmed and anxious when they are here. I love them so much and yet there is no moment of peace because of my Dh’s behavior. It’s as if a dark cloud was on his head the whole time skids are here. I have told him that maybe it’s better for everybody involved for him to give up custody of his kids. I can’t be a substitute for their dad nor should I be. I should say that we have a BD2 together and even though he is still pretty strict with her as well, he is much loving and caring with her. He is really proud of her and a much better dad to her than to the skids. Dh has just started going to therapy to deal with all his anger and issues (under my pressure) but to be honest, I’m not sure if that’s going to work. He was in therapy before and it didn’t really help much. I guess I don't really have a question, just not sure what to do.
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How was he brought up? Does
How was he brought up? Does he think his parents had all the answers? Often the way an adult was raised will reflect in the way they parent themselves.
Remind him that the boys carry half his DNA.
My DH had a very strict easily annoyed father. But he was raised that way (Germanic authoritarian) and his dad was sent to a Military Academy. So until a psyh Dr told him he was a bully he had no idea. No one called him out on it.
He sounds like a complete
He sounds like a complete ass. I don't have any advice- don't most parents think their OWN KIDS are special? I know I do. I can't imagine thinking of my kids as "losers". How sad.
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the comments! They were really helpful! yes, his background is military and his dad was on the military as well. He comes from a very strict family. His dad wasn't around much when he was growing up and his mom was very strict and not very loving. He talks to the children as if they were grown ups. Even his vocabulary is pretty sophisticated. His expectations are disproportionate to their age and therefore he thinks I'm always excusing and coddling them. He doesn't behave like that with me or our 2 year old (yes, he is still firm with her but also kind and loving). In fact, he is incredibly kind and loving the week we don't have the skids. Then, when we have them, he becomes increasingly moody and angry with them. Nothing they do seems to be ok. It's very stressful for everybody. He definitely needs parenting classes and I'll be looking into that so thank you for suggesting it. The thing is that the first thing I loved about him was how wonderful he was as a dad to his children.BM used the kids as pawns and emotionally blackmailed him for a number of years. She was also verbally and emotionally abusive (she still is). Court increased that behavior and I'm pretty sure that DH suffers from PTSD as a consequence. Unfortunately, the presence of the skids at home (and specially when they talk about their mom) triggers DH's anxiety and he projects on them what he feels for BM. He also feels like a failure for failing his children. He can't see that his behavior now is precisely his real failure (not "losing" in court). That's why he needs help and why I'm still not ready to give up on him or our family.