Death and the aftermath

My family has had a very hard week.

The day after Mother's Day I get a call from my brother at almost midnight telling me that our dad had a massive heart attack. He had been having chest pains for several days and no one could get him to go in to see the doctor. He did not make it, he died almost instantly

All last week was making arrangements, funeral and being with my dad's family. My brother was very close to our dad, so he is taking it pretty hard. My oldest half sister has already started the drama that seems to ensue in these situations. My brother is the executor of his estate/will and I'm hoping that he doesn't have to deal with too much drama with our half and step sisters during the estate process.

My MIL was out of state on vacation during the week and could not make it to the funeral, which I understand, but she sent my DH a text telling HIM to tell me that she was sorry for my loss. Really?! I know MIL and I do not get along much, but I find it extremely low to not even contact your DIL personally to extend condolences for the loss of her father! My FIL was the only family member of DH's to attend and that was after FIL just had to attend SS7's baseball game beforehand. Heaven forbid he miss one game to be at my father's viewing before the last minute. MIL has apparently done a good job running her mouth getting DH's family to not like me and to agree I'm the horrible, evil stepmother.

The day after dad's funeral was my BD12's 13th birthday, so she had a birthday with very depressed people around her. Luckily we didn't have anything big planned, her "party/gift" from me this year is a concert trip to Nashville next month.

Then to top it off, my BIL and his girlfriend got engaged over the weekend. This is usually good news, but the state I'm in, it just made me more depressed. The in laws just loooove the girlfriend and think she's the greatest. She has the advantage of not being the second wife and them not having any children yet to cause drama over. I've already been seeing them oooh and ahh over the engagement after most of them didn't even send me condolences over my loss. I know it's not her fault, it just hurts me the way I'm treated so differently just because of being a stepmother/second wife. Although I am upset with her too, because I thought we were friends and I didn't hear anything from her offering condolences either. She was also away on vacation (not with MIL), but she didn't call nor text, no acknowledgement whatsoever.

When things like this happen in your life you tend to learn a lot about the relationships you have, some rise up and go above and beyond, then there's those that completely disappoint you and you realize the relationship wasn't really what you thought it was.

I am now an "orphan" at 37 years old My mother will be gone for 5 years this August and now my dad. I am so depressed. My girls now have zero grandparents. Their grandfather on their dad's side is alive, but is a raging alcoholic and they have practically nothing to do with him. My ex said at least our girls have my MIL/FIL, I said yeah, they buy them Christmas and birthday gifts, but as far as a real relationship, they do not have one. MIL/FIL do not attempt to spend time with them unless it's an afterthought of having SS7 with them.

I've lost both my parents, I don't have many people around me that I feel truly loved/cared by, and I am feeling very alone. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers if your the praying type. Thanks.

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I'm so very sorry for your

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I am so very sorry for your

I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing what is in your heart, in an honest way. It is difficult enough going through this, but to not have any support system is the worst. Families either bond tightly together in fond remembrances of the deceased or they do a "disappearing act", and go off on their own staying in their own lives.

Sounds like everyone in your life is off in their own "world", in their own life bubble, and could care less about you and what you are going through. I hope your DH is there by your side. I know you are hurting and sensitive right now, so try to remember that people are often clueless and we never know what they are going through in their own lives. And it also seems like everything is crumbling around you right now, and everything is looking bad, but remember it WILL get better!

Hugs and prayers to you countrymom.

You are correct, most

You are correct, most everyone does seem like they couldn't care any less about me and what I'm going through right now, and it hurts. I am hoping maybe my brother and I can become a little closer through this, when he called he told me that "we now have no one left"

My DH has been pretty good, but he is so uncomfortable in crowds and didn't know what to do at the visitation with me having to stand up front with my siblings and my granny. And I also pointed out to him how his family has shown exactly how little they think of me and he just said he was sorry and he loves me.

Thank you, yes people are clueless and I had been getting better at not caring so much and not getting my feelings hurt, but I am so emotional right now anyway, it all just came at me.

Yes, even with my issues with

Yes, even with my issues with my MIL I would have never dreamed of not sending my condolences to her if one of her parent's had passed away. I guess she thinks her telling me through a text to my DH is sufficient, I don't agree, but oh well.

I'm so sorry about your sister! Hugs to you also! It's good your DH's family is being supportive of you!

I understand your feelings of

I understand your feelings of being an "orphan" ... and no one around you understands because most of them either haven't lived it yet, or have forgotten how important compassion is during times like this.

No matter how hold we get, for most of us it is a stunning loss when we lose both our parents. It is an emotional rollercoaster in every way. We are no longer anyone's "child" - no one's daughter or son. Loss of one's parents also means that we are now, technically speaking, facing our own mortality as the next in line to go.

I read a book called "The Orphaned Adult" by Alexander Levy after my mother died (I lost my father when I was 25). It was most helpful to me; you may want to check it out. Here's description of the book:

"Losing our parents when we ourselves are adults is in the natural order of things, a rite of passage into true adulthood. But whether we lose them suddenly or after a prolonged illness, and whether we were close to or estranged from them, this passage proves inevitably more difficult than we thought it would be. A much-needed and knowledgeable discussion of this adult phenomenon, The Orphaned Adult validates the wide array of disorienting emotions that can accompany the death of our parents by sharing both the author's heart-felt experience of loss and the moving stories of countless adults who have shared their losses with him. From the recognition of our own mortality and sudden child-like sorrow to a sometimes-subtle change in identity or shift of roles in the surviving family, The Orphaned Adult guides readers through the storm of change this passage brings and anchors them with its compassionate and reassuring wisdom."

Yes, most people around me do

Yes, most people around me do not understand. My DH still has both sets of grandparents and his parents. No one I know, that isn't older, has lost both of their parents and very few have lost even one.

Thank you for the book suggestion, I will definitely look into it.

I was not close to my

I was not close to my grandparents either. My mom hated her parents and I seen them a handful of times.

I lived a few states away from my dad's family until I was 12 years old and never really got super close to them. I just really hoped for more for my children. I always wanted a large, close knit family, but it's just not in the cards for me and my girls unfortunately. Hopefully they will marry into a better and closer family than I did.

P.S. I was the executor of

P.S. I was the executor of my father's estate, and I did not want the process to tear any of us siblings apart.

Although he had a will, and was pretty instructive there were still inevitably things of his that he didn't say where he wanted them to go, and more than one of us wanted the item.

Instead of bickering and fighting about it, I decided that we would solve this by drawing cards -- highest one got item. It was completely impartial and I said wherever Dad was, maybe he would be influencing the turn of the cards - so we all took that with good humor!

That's how we did it and there were no arguments and no fights. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made it my life as it helped keep me and my siblings together.

Looking back now, I was smarter than I thought when I was 25.

I hope this may be helpful.