Ughhh-don't know what I'd do on this one. I dread the day my boys say this-if they ever do. My neighbor just had her 14yr old move to the dads-and has always been close to mom and has even stopped talking to her. It's crazy!

I would explain to her it's just you and her now. At 12 I don't think she should make that decision honestly. I'd say that maybe you can re-visit this when she starts highschool?

I'm sorry, i know this has to be devastating as a mom, even if you know it might do them well to ahve that bond w/dad and time with him-if you've raised them singlehandedly you're going to feel a huge sense of loss.

Do you think she found a boy that she likes? Is it feesable for you to move closer to biodad?

Oh, wow... I can't even imagine!!
Take a few deep breaths. This isn't something to decide on the fly. Have her come home and discuss it with you. Weigh out pros and cons and tell her you'll think on it. Maybe it's something that can happen next year.
Ask her again in a month or two, and revisit the pro/con list.

(For all you know, BD promised her a belly button ring if she lived with him )

Well, she's 12, so in a lot of states, she does pretty much get to decide, unless you can show that the other house is unfit. I know it must SUCK to hear that, and I'm so sorry.

You say you've raised her well, so like others, I would suggest getting her home and letting her present her logical arguments, and then having this start maybe next summer. I would not put any pressure on her one way or the other, and try to handle it with her dad as much as possible and leave DD out of it.

My SS11 (12 in November) lives with mom and visits dad every weekend and in the summer, but he's always asking us to live with us instead. I will say that from the NCP's point of view, we don't think the kid wanting to live with us is an end all be all of where he lives...We certainly would NOT have had him call and ask his mom. IMO this is something that should be worked out between adults.

So sorry to hear that. It must be crushing. I think once she sees it's just the 2 of you she might be happier? And if she insists with this idea, wait till HS. I think 12 is too young for her to know where she wants to live. IMHO. Good luck either way.

I have gone through this with bs14 this last year. I talked with him and exh alot, and decided to give it a try. There has been many adjustments on my part, I miss him dearly, but in the end, bs has two parents. And I have done all the young years and now it is time for his father to step up and parent also. Exh FINALLY grew up enough to start parenting, and well, it IS his job, too. They are still having adjustment issues in their home, but it is working out. It can be done without alot of drama, talk to your dd. Keep an open mind, she probably just wants to get to know her dad better.

Cowgirl...Ok-I'm with you on feeling distraught BUT- in my opinion this letter sounds more like that of a teenage friend or boyfriend coming unhinged then from the responsible adult, level headed parental figure.

A lot of bargaining, begging and bribing and some guilt tripping (the crying part) added...

Honestly-i was hard to swallow that this is coming from a parent to a child.

I think you need to talk to her and tell her that only 10 days notice is not enough and too much detail to work out with her dad to make it happen. Tell her that you and her dad need this school year to get everything in order for her to be able to move.

I understand how you feel as my dd just went to college and I am having a hard time with that. But tell her you really need this school year to get everything together and all legal and your ducks in a row before she can just up and move. But of course it gives you the school year to get used to that idea.

And who knows she might change her mind.

Children do not get to chose where they live. Even if it wasn't done on purpose she was probably led to believe that life would be so grand living there. Summer vacation time is not a good example of what day to day life would be. Suggest that after she comes back home and is back in her day to day routine that you will discuss the issue again. Chances are good that the need to live there will not be so great. Another poster was correct too in saying this has to be done through court orders as well if for no other reason then to get her legally established in school. I'm doubting there is time for that, but I really don't know.

I think I would just tell her that moving across the country is a big move, and it is something that you and her dad need to discuss in more detail. It's not something you can just "do". It has to be made legal, you have to get school transcripts moved, Dr transcripts, all kinds of things that she is too young to understand can't be done overnight. Something you have to prepare for and it can't be done on a whim. And that you can talk more about it when she comes home.

I agree .... it sounded like you are begging and being too friendly. The court order says she is to be with you then so be it.

Well, she's 12, so in a lot of states, she does pretty much get to decide,
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This is very incorrect. A judge will listen to a kid once they turn 12, but the kid does not get to deciede.

IMO…this was sprung on you to soon. I think you are doing ok. I would have done most of what you have done, (except telling her about the bond and crying). She needs to come home and start school and then if she still wants to, then you can discuss it. But a move like this can NOT be made from a phone call and 10 day notice.

I am sure that your EX has shown her AAALLL the things she can do and have if she moves with him. Here is an idea…tell them both that 50/50 is fair. So if the ex moves back, you can go to a week on week off schedule. It is not your fault that he moved and you should not be punished by your child moving across the country.

You need to tell your daughter that one summer of fun does not make for a school year. Is she in middle school? If so tell her when she is ready for high school you can certianly revisit this option. But in return you expect excellent grades and no disciplinary action through the school. IF she still wants to attend school with her father she needs to go with the best possible picture possible. And she is not going to be able to come back until the end of the school year. So if she has a fight with her father in February, she is not coming back until school is over for the year.

My daughter was in tears every night on the phone to me wanting to come back from her fathers place. She never gave me one very good reason why I should pay for her 2 months before school finished to come back so I told her she had to stay there. Now if she had said her father was always having friends over and they were trying to get into her bedroom or she had been beaten up in school, she would have been on the next plane home to me. But this wasn't the case and yes, it broke my heart.

I would get her to wait on this for 1 year. And tell your ex that if this all happens of course the CS situation would reverse to the other party and he would be supporting her 100%.

My sister is alone with her 16 yr old. They are literally like The Gilmore Girls. But sometimes my sister pulls out her trump card... me the mother, you the daughter.

You say she is all about the here and now. Well guess what, this is perfectly normal for a teen/preteen to want something today or they will DIIIEEEEE!!!!!

"4. I'd then do what we did with SS17, I tailored our home environment to include everything SS17 liked... animals, a pool, a go cart, cruises, a large flat screen tv, PS3, and everything else, it's like Disney, but we still maintain house rules and set boundaries. He is content and not willing to give it all up for BM. He didn't seek modification last year when BM tried to get him to. SS11 is next after we send SS17 off to college. I'm getting us a 2-seat convertible for us to cruise around in, will be setting up a mini fridge, home theater and popcorn machine in the rec room for fun friends gathering, and we are hitting Europe as world travelers. "

In my opinion, that is WAY, WAY, WAY over the top to buy the kids to live with you.
That is exactly the reason that my BS wanted to go to his dads, they bought him.

"You need to tell your daughter that one summer of fun does not make for a school year. Is she in middle school? If so tell her when she is ready for high school you can certianly revisit this option. But in return you expect excellent grades and no disciplinary action through the school. IF she still wants to attend school with her father she needs to go with the best possible picture possible. And she is not going to be able to come back until the end of the school year. So if she has a fight with her father in February, she is not coming back until school is over for the year."

This is excellent advise!!!!

I'd then do what we did with SS17, we tailored our home environment to include everything SS17 liked... animals, a pool, a go cart, cruises, activities, a large flat screen tv, PS3, and everything else, it's like Disney, but we still maintain house rules and set boundaries. He is content and not willing to give it all up for BM. He didn't seek modification last year when BM tried to get him to. SS11 is next after we send SS17 off to college. I'm getting us a 2-seat convertible for us to cruise around in, will be setting up a mini fridge, home theater and popcorn machine in the rec room for fun friends gathering
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OMG!! I am amazed you actually admit to this. Sorry, but that it terrible. That is probably what CG's ex is doing right now.

This is easier than you think. Just tell her with school starting it would be too soon to do this, and then do all the paperwork to make this legal. With her being 12, yes she sure does get a say in where she wants to live. Tell her that next summer when she goes to visit, it can be for good if she wants. One of two things will probably happen. After a few weeks of being back with you, she'll forget all about the idea of going back. Or you do let her go next summer, and within a few months biodad will be calling you and asking if you can take her back.

My SKID did this....wanted to go live with biodad, things would be better, she would do good in school...blah blah blah. Only took 2 weeks for biodad to call my wife and telling her was putting her on a bus back to our city....LOL.