He Left on Christmas Day - Update
This is a follow-up from my previous blog of the same title. I really need help getting through this...
So he is still in wavering mode, but leaning toward permanently leaving and leasing that apartment he looked at 10 days ago. His deadline for committing to the apartment is within 48 hours, Jan. 3rd. I am a little surprised he hasn't just signed for it yet, but he has not. We have not talked in person since he left. We haven't talked at any length on the phone since Wed night (today is Sunday). I have been physically ill since he left. It has not subsided and has only gotten worse to include throwing up. I realize how pathetic I probably sound, and not sure what I am even hoping for anymore. Logically I know this is not a good situation for my BD and me, but it doesn't make it easier. My BD is missing him too.
So here is the latest monkey wrench in the saga: he was supposed to call me on Friday night, but was too tired from work and asked if we could talk in the morning instead. Then I woke up on Sat morning to find a text from him at 4 a.m. letting me know that his oldest daughter, age 21, came home to BM's drunk and took a bunch of pills so was being admitted into the psych ward. He said he wouldn't be talking yesterday as a result of this. Mind you, he never went to the hospital, he stayed at his friend's house, but was not up for talking. I shared via text that I was sorry to hear about this, and hoped she, and him, are o.k. I followed up about an hour later needing him to respond to me regarding our property tax bill which I needed to pay yesterday. He still hasn't signed the check and asked me to forge his name on the check which I refused. I asked him to please call me so we can talk about solutions/workarounds, but he never did....just flat out did not respond after that. So I ended up covering it myself until he can sign it and I can then will pay myself back. I never heard from him the rest of the day.
This moring I woke up to find a text saying " yesterday was a good sign of why you should be happy I'm not around. You always stated that YSD's shit wasn't going to last our lives and such, and yet there is OSD....so yeah, no fucked up Smith kids to worry about."
So what the hell was that??? I have not responded and won't. I haven't reached out at all since he did not respond to my need for the tax bill conversation. Should I be inquiring about her? (This is her second time in a psych ward for the same issue. The younger daughter has been in a psych ward 4x already over the years.)
I realize how messed up this sounds....as I said, logically I know this, but mentally/emotionally, I am a mess. I am literally sick from this and have no idea how to proceed. Sooner or later, he will need to pack. (I have no energy to pack his stuff for him. There is too much after 8 years together, 6 of them in this home.) I just see this prolonged mess of him leaving, and it makes me sick. Thoughts?
ETA: he did go the extra mile to take his Xbox along with some clothes and toiletries in a garbage bag. Seriously. The damn Xbox.
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You will get thru this
I'm so sorry you're literally sick over all this. I remember that feeling and please just know it will get better.
He's gone, maybe not from your thoughts,and feelings, but he is gone. Now is the time to focus on your and BD's future. I am concerned about you getting reimbursed for the property tax, please document your expenses carefully. I realize your mind is on the emotions right now but that will subside and I'd hate to see you stuck.
Your big task right now is to refocus. It's sad about his daughter but that's not your concern now. I believe you said you have joint ownership in the house tho not married. Tuesday, please call a lawyer to see about getting things settled.
I think you know this deep down but this man is not reliable and I dont trust his word. He says he's going to do this or that and it seldom materializes. He uses every excuse in the book to evade responsibility. Proceed on the basis that he's unreliable and untrustworthy.
All this is so difficult, especially at this time of the year. Leave this man in your rearview mirror. Everything will be fine and good luck. You received a wonderful gift this year, freedom from him and his baggage.
You nailed it with this
You nailed it with this comment: He says he's going to do this or that and it seldom materializes. He uses every excuse in the book to evade responsibility.
Thank you for your sound advice. I will do my best to move forward. The depth at which I am struggling is concerning right now....
Woohoo! He's just given you
Woohoo! He's just given you an out. Change the locks,block his number and start living as if he didn't exist. He's getting a sick kick from making you stress about your relationship so ... stop stressing and start planning for the future. He isn't worth your time nor energy. It's time to live for you
What out has he given me? You
What out has he given me? You mean the odd text this morning? The not signing the escrow check so I am forced to figure it out and use my own cash?
I'd love to change the locks, but he owns half the house so not sure that is legal on my part. Plus all of his stuff is still here, and I am not packing for him. F*ck that. Although my good friend said she will! LOL! WInterglow, aren't you the one that said it's not IF he will be back, but WHEN? Is this what you are referencing about him getting a sick kick from making me stress...?
Have you seen a lawyer?
Have you seen a lawyer?
Not yet, but I will.
Not yet, but I will.
The more I think about it....
Dandelion, I'm angry for you. I keep thinking about that scene in Grumpy Old Men where Jack Lemmon's character gets mad at his SIL for dithering around and keeping Jack's daughter and gdaughter in limbo while he makes up his mind about whether to stay married.
How dare your BF put you through this! Get mad, Dandelion!
Yes, I am waiting for the
Yes, I am waiting for the anger to come, then I will use it to empower myself. This current emotional state is awful, and immobilizing.
Find an Attorney asap
An attorney, your friends, and a strict NO CONTACT regimen will all help you. The hardest part for me was aligning my brain ("This is unresolvable, abusive bullsh*t that needs to end") with my heart ("...but I loooOOOoove him!") and accept the painful truth that I needed to end the toxic relationship.
You can do this! Keep venting here & let yourself heal as you take one step at a time toward freedom. I too was so stressed to the point of vomiting on the regular - but that ended once I had ex move out, filed for divorce, and had attorney instruct all communication goes thru my attorney. SUCH A RELIEF and that peace gave me the freedom to work through my feelings without the manipulative, love-bombing user working my energy & emotions.
It is like a bad nightmare, and I'm sorry you are experiencing this. (((HUGS)))
You nailed it with the
You nailed it with the hardest part being aligining my brain. that is exactly what I am struggling with....and carrying a lot of guild and regret for not welcoming his daughters more. I did at first, but then stopped to protect my own daugher. As mentioned both of his daughters have a lot of mental health issues.
So I have not contacted him since yesterday morning when I asked him to call me about property taxes and he didn't. Then he sent me that weird text.....i did not take the bait there so still no contact from me. However, I am not going to lie. It has crossed my mind to reach out and leave a voicemail message asking to talk BEFORE he signs any lease. However, he knows where I stand so I don't see how telling him once again will be effective which will then leave me feeling even worse. Thoughts?
Ghost Him
Just ghost him; he's a frickin grown-up & needs to sign the lease instead of dangling it in front of you so you can do the desired "Pick Me!" dance (credit: ChumpLady.com).
It takes time to learn how to do for yourself without basing every decision on his reaction or his responsibility. This guy has already shown you WHO he is and WHAT his priorities are (hint: not you or your well-being), so believe him and act accordingly.
You sound a lot like me: empathic, considerate, giving, responsible, trustworthy, positive (=hoping for the best), etc. Strongly suggest you focus on his ACTIONS/INACTIONS over his words. Like my ex, he is not 100% evil (=I could write paragraphs about my ex's strengths, positive attributes, and how much I love & admire a lot of things about him). That makes it really difficult to make decisions & act accordingly. For me, it boiled down to believing his actions over his words, and being willing to understand THAT is the reality over who he presented himself to be. It's a total mind- and heart-f*ck and very painful, so once again I am sorry you are in this situation.
For me, it boiled down to
For me, it boiled down to believing his actions over his words, and being willing to understand THAT is the reality over who he presented himself to be. (THIS! But damn, it's hard. I keep blaming myself for the stuff I did wrong in the relationsip which all centers around not embracing his mentally ill daughters and trying to get boundaries established with BM. He avoids conflict like the plague. Obviously.)
O.K., I will ghost him. I need to in order to protect my heart anyway. Unfortunately I will have to see him though as he gets his stuff out of the house. It's a big house, garage, two outside sheds so there is a lot to separate. Also we need to go over the financial pieces. Ugh. I just dread all of this. I am waiting for anger to kick in because in my current state, I can't get anything done.
I'm a bit mad for you. WTF
I'm a bit mad for you. WTF (because I swear) is wrong inside his noggin that he's willing to use his daughters situation to guilt you but doesn't care enough himself to get off his ass for his child. He's playing phone game, making guilt trips and acting the immature fool.
No man who loves anyone else, more than he loves himself, acts this way. He is a fool, a tool and he needs to go away. please start looking at it as him playing his selfish games while deliberately torturing you. He got the holiday he wanted: play time for him. WHAT DID YOU GET?????
you got him playing around with your emotions.
◇THIS!
Everything AgedOut said.
Yes, I also wonder WTF (I
Yes, I also wonder WTF (I swear too) is wrong in his noggin. He is acting mentally ill himself. My God. Who behaves like this? A child.
As a mom who has a son with
As a mom who has a son with mental health issues, trust me, the guy isn't worrying about the OP right now- it doesn't matter if it's the 2nd time, in fact, it is MORE concerning for him. You may not know how these holds work, but it is not unusual for no visitors to be allowed (even parents) for a certain period of time, until they are medically cleared (physical and psychiatric)- and then you also have the fact that the kid can refuse to see a parent as well even after the initial period where no visitors are allowed.
As a parent, when you child goes through this (teen/young adult), the last thing on your mind is your partner and some stupid tax document issues...your head space is absolutely broken. I'm not saying this so you give him a pass, but right now, don't expect anything from him, whatever turmoil you are in because of a relationship ending, he is likely in a deep hell way worse than you can ever imagine. He has both daughters with this? Cut your losses, and I understand your pain is making you feel it's about you....I would back WAY off, no contact, let him deal with his daughters situation. Keep records and then submit a bill for your part of the tax note. Don't come at him to come get his stuff, he has enough to get by right now, let it go.
Let your friend pack up the stuff or simply ignore it until he's at a place to come get it. That is not just at this moment.
Immature fool indeed. My god
Immature fool indeed. My god, at our age, one would think he could face this head-on and move forward one way or the other without the wavering and mindgames.
I like the friend being
I like the friend being present idea. I don't want him here when I am not here. I have the garage door in lock mode so his garage door opener won't work on it unless i release the lock. However, he still has a key to the front door and that concerns me. I am considering getting a camera up asap. I work close by so could get to the house within minutes if the camera were tripped.
Thanks. Yes, I have
Thanks. Yes, I have everything put away in a place that he would not begin to figure out. It occurred to me to maybe bring it to work, or leave it with a friend though.
Yes, please gather all your
Yes, please gather all your important/financial documents and move them someplace safe away from your home.
Thank you. I will.
Thank you. I will.
You know what is bitter?
It's so bitter knowing that we could have talked through this. Even when he first left, we talked for several days in a row. Then it hit a hard wall, and I see him as continuing to make this worse to the point there is nothing left. If he is playing games, and thinks he can waltz back here, then he's wrong. It's so much worse with his stonewalling, immaturity, games, etc. Honestly, wtf???
Stop it
Dandelion, you could have talked thru it (meaning he would have thrown out some acceptable crumb) but sooner or later, this would be the result. Please stop going there, for your and BD's sake.
You're right. It's hard to
You're right. It's hard to not go there. Why isn't he struggling like this? He's living in his friends basement and looking at an apartment. So much will be so different and less comfortable for him. I don't think he has a clue how this will roll out for him. Not sure why I care, but you get what I mean. (and I just did it again. ugh.)
He sounds like a whiny baby
He sounds like a whiny baby who is just stringing you along, hoping you will beg and plead and say you'll do anything to keep him. Right now, you are sad, lonely, and sick. While you are with him. How can him leaving be any worse for you emotionally than this? It will not be worse without him, it can only be better.
Interesting observation.
Interesting observation. Thank you. Yes, he is indeed stringing me along. If he really intended on securing the apartment, he would have done it already and told me so. This "escaping" of his, both literally and figuratively, is so child-like. Does he think it will magically get solved if he doesn't face it?
He got exactly what he wanted
He got exactly what he wanted, he's been playing his video games and drinking and having himself his merry old Christmas without having you on his case. He's not looking for an apartment, he's planning to head back to you as soon as his friend gets tired of him. He'll be expecting you to be so grateful that he's back that he can somehow get you to apologize to him for not loving him enough or some other stupid shit he's made up in his selfcentered immature mind. And then he will do it again the next time he wants to go play.
YOU.
DESERVE.
BETTER.
I do deserve better. This is
I do deserve better. This is so immature and silly. He really did look at apartments and I know he has been communicating with a place regarding the lease. However, that was 10 days ago and he has yet to sign anything. What's the holdup if he wants out so damn bad?
Throw him to the curb and
Throw him to the curb and call him a whambulance!
He sounds like he's 12. Xbox.... lol. You have so much going for you, you will only prosper by ditching this dude.
Once I can get out of this
Once I can get out of this painful state, I do think I will begin to prosper. I think he will do the opposite.
I know you're hurting and it
I know you're hurting and it's awful. You've gotten sound advice.
He doesn't want to talk through this with you, like loving partners do. He wants you to beg him to come back.
I think the only communication I'd have with him would be to tell him you hope he was able to secure the apartment and he needs to contact you when he's ready to retrieve his stuff.
Re-key the locks. Start
Re-key the locks. Start purging him and his failed family baggage from your life. Yes, you miss him. Your DD misses him. However, that does not mitigate the ongoing problem.
Having him and them gone from your lives ends the problem.
Take care of you.