In desperate need of advice with grown step daughter help
I’ve been with my husband for 22 years married 10. He has 3 kids, 2 boys and 1 girl. Together we have 2 boys. I am 14 years younger than my husband but we have always worked. My step daughter is 3 and a half years younger then myself. I’ve always had a wonderful relationship with the boys. His daughter feels like he was always about his sons and not her.also my husbands mother raised her like her own. Fast forward a lot of years and my husband and myself have been there for her she lives right next door to us with her daughter. I have done so much for her taken care of her daughter paid for her to move in threw her a baby shower been there to talk with her. While I have always been there for her she has continued over the years to be highly disrespectful to me. She definitely has mental health issues and I always forgive and forget everything for my husband. Majority of her family does not like being around her. She has stood in front of my house calling me a cunt bitch whore. She has left me messages saying she hates me I took her father away I’m a low life bitch and so much more. I stopped talking to her 1 year ago because she once again left me messages and was screaming in front of my house. Now this year she leaves me a message saying everyday of the week she wishes I was dead she prays everyday that I would die this really broke me down and I told hubby I can’t no more I can’t have her in my house so 4th if July she stayed upstairs and her daughter came down I’ve forgiven so many times and I feel like this time I can’t but I feel terrible for my hubby as he is in between this. I really don’t know if I should forgive again or continue the way I am not talking to her and not allowing her disrespectful self in my house. Please I really need help with this
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With people like that the
With people like that the best option is usually to forgive and forget that they even exist. Block her from your phone, social media and from your life. Tell your DH to never mention her to you again. Tell other to quit repeating her verbal attacks to you. Video any screaming rants at your home and then press charges. Stop being her punching bag.
Thank you! She is blocked
Thank you! She is blocked from my phone for a whole year and I just realized that my phone had a blocked voicemail so I listed and heard the message of her wishing I was dead I have everything saved I feel for him because she is so unstable and she lives right next door which makes everything that much harder
That makes it almost easier
That makes it almost easier because he can walk right over there if they want to spend time together. She never needs to enter your home again.
Thank you for helping me open
Thank you for helping me open my eye
Don't think of your DH as
Don't think of your DH as being in the middle. He can still love both of you. You're not asking him to end HIS relationship with her. You're just not going to continue to be her punching bag. He would not allow that treatment from anyone else, and he should protect you from his toxic daughter. Yes, it is very hard for both of you, but if she is not going to change or seek help for her anger, you have no choice but to protect yourself. Make this about what YOU need, not what she has done, and see if that isn't an easier approach to take with your DH.
Boundaries are healthy. Figure out what they are for you, and enforce them. Have consequences in mind should they be violated.
Thank you! Exactly I never
Thank you! Exactly I never once asked him to end his relationship even tankgivjng we weren’t talking and I said she could come to dinner so he could be with her and I would go about my business but she didn’t come due to another argument with her brother. I was going to let her come on the 4th until I heard that message of death which really hurt me. I like to my DH and told him how I felt and he said we have to set the boundaries so I thought we were on the same page. Then we had a bbq yesterday and being a father he asked if he could invite her which I always give in but I said no it would be uncomfortable for everyone but then I felt bad and said invite her but he didn’t and then had an attitude all day he feels very torn because it is his daughter and I’m his wife and like I said I just feel so bad for him but I can’t take always being the punching bag. Sorry for the rambling just so much for so long
Would you invite someone into
Would you invite someone into your home who treats your DH the way your SD treats you? Your DH can maintain a active relationship with his daughter without subjecting you to mistreatment. Setting boundaries is great. Enforcing those boundaries, even when your DH gets wishy-washy, is crucial. If DH will not protect you from his daughter's vitriol, protect yourself by never being around her - not even during family holidays.
Thank you so much! I always
Thank you so much! I always doubt myself and this thread is really helping me to see I am absolutely right to stick up for myself and not feel bad
Your husband is not in the
Your husband is not in the middle of this, he's busy sticking his head in the sand and allowing you to be abused so he doesn't have to deal with her.
"I always forgive and forget everything for my husband. "
So you're saying you allow her to abuse you so your husband doesn't have to act like a parent. Dealing with his daughter is now your responsibility. You're the one who gets verbally abused, does the forgiving and allows the cycle to repeat itself over and over. Your *poor* husband doesn't want to be in the *middle*. In reality he doesn't want to deal with her mental illness at all and is relieved that you're the buffer for her bad behavior.
Research *Karpman Drama Triangle* and you may recognize how you've put yourself in this victim/persecutor/rescuer cycle. Please stop trying to save DH from his daughter, let him deal with her! Step out of their drama.
***ETA, I've been in the same situation with DH's family and he was happy to have me as the family scapegoat so he didn't have to deal with the messed up situation he created. I played the game for years to *make him happy*. Extracting myself from that role almost ended our marriage but I will never go back to being skids punching bag.
Thank you! He has tried very
Thank you! He has tried very hard to be the buffer he stopped talking to her he told her he was tired of her ways. She treats him this way as well. He told her he can’t do this anymore that she is destroying her. But then he feels bad because he is her only parent and majority of the family does not want to be bothered by her. He feels he is the only person she has which is true. The fact she lives next door makes everything even worse I’m definitely going to check out the drama triangle you suggested an no longer allow this to happen thank you
How can you feel sorry for
How can you feel sorry for your husband? I'm baffled that you could really feel this way!
Whether she's really mentally ill or not, you've set a boundary to defend yourself from her (not seeing her) and your husband is not respecting it each time he asks to host her. He wants to put you in the line of fire of someone who is abusive but only to you. How could you feel sorry for him??? She's abusive and he has a hand in it, even if he's not the one screaming names at you and wishing you dead.
It's bad enough he didn't defend you to her. But to repeatedly invite her to your house WHEN HE ONLY HAS TO WALK NEXT DOOR TO SEE HER is NUTS!!!!!!
If some man punched you out, would you allow your husband to invite him for a BBQ? Would you feel bad for your husband if you didn't want him in your house? Or how about this: if some man repeatedly wished your husband dead and called him those names, would you invite the guy for tea???
If this SD is really doing what you say she is, why aren't you angry that your husband even wants to see her???
And if her repeated phone calls are really unprovoked on your part, you should think about moving. She sounds unstable enough to take a shot at you. I'd be out of there. Watch a little Dateline to get your inspiration to go. What you report is beyond normal step conflict.
Thank you everything I stated
Thank you everything I stated was truth. Everything is unprovoked she is bipolar and does not medicate she also drinks which makes things that much worse when I say I feel sorry for my husband is because at the end of the day it is his daughter and he hurts at all the harm and embarrassment she has caused him. And he was not the perfect dad while she was growing up so he always feels like he’s making up for the times he wasn’t the best. But it wasn’t her whole life. My husband is a good person and father but he did have her young and missed out a little bit. That being said I read all your points about the situation being different and it totally makes sense and my eyes are open now. This is the first time I was actually angry with him for asking because of how she wished death upon me He always felt I was the bigger person and I know she has issues and I was always so easy to forgive never forget but im done this time
Way to bury the lede!!!
Ohhhhhhhhh...bipolar disorder. That's kinda an important detail to gloss over! That puts the situation in a whole different light. That probably explains why she lives next to her father, why he wants her included in spite of how she treats you, and why you've put up with this for so long.
While that not-so-small detail explains why you endured this for so many years, it's also why it's time for you to resolve to doing things different. She's sick. She can't change.
Your husband can be there for his daughter without sacrificing you in the process. Rather than invite her to your house for a July 4th BBQ, he can go to her house on July 5th to grill hamburgers with her. What he's asking from you is simply too much.
And look at it like this. Every time SD is whipped up into an "event," it takes days, sometimes weeks, for her brain chemistry to go back to "normal." Think of SD's poor kid having to endure those episodes, which can be kicked off by stress -- the kind of stress that comes with throwing a pit bull in the ring with a rabbit -- because that's how she feels. Your husband is ignoring his daughter's brain chemistry and thinking a BBQ with you will somehow benefit her. It most likely has exactly the opposite effect on her and then her poor kid is at the mercy of SD's moods. And what about you being at the mercy of SD's brain chemistry?
This is the argument you have to make to him: throwing you two together is cruel to her, to you and to SD's daughter, and it will not cure her.
This is sad, sad, sad for all of you. I'm sure your husband is desperate to normalize her situation, but he can't. She's broken and there is no amount of love or compassion that will fix her, although medication could probably stabilize her if she'd take it. He can support her, help her, help her kid, but ruining your BBQ or his whole marriage won't fix his daughter.
Your SD is one of the few mentioned on this site who actually has an excuse for behaving badly. That doesn't mean, though, that you are obliged to endure it like a martyr.
Thank you so much!
Thank you so much!
Adult SD sounds very immature
Adult SD sounds very immature and unstable. My SD 30's has wished me out of her and my DH's life multiple times. Then, in public, she is sickening nice to my face. She is twisted and I just don't have anything to do with her anymore. So, when she tries to insert herself in anything that affects me, I make it clear to my DH I don't want to be around anyone who wishes me off the planet.
You do not have to put up with the harassment SD is giving you, period! If you keep forgiving her toxic and sick behavior towards you, she may think she has a free pass to continue to treat you this way.
This is what I would do:
Stop forgiving this hateful girl.
If your DH mentioned setting up boundaries for this nutcase, hold him to it and keep reminding of what he mentioned in regard to that.
If that girl talks to you like that again, tell her you are no longer going to put up with the way she talks to you and she is no longer allowed around you or in your home. Set up your own boundaries from this toxic SD.
If her tirades do not stop, tell her you will call the police and request a restraining order. Sounds like she is harassing you and that is wrong. Keep the messages she has left you.
Stop feeling sorry for DH. He is a big boy, right? You are his wife, and he should not expect to have his wife put in any threatening situation with a very angry person, even if that person is his DD.
Your home, your boundaries. Throw her out if she swears at you. Kick her off your property. If she doesn't leave, call the authorities and have her removed.
Do not put up with this behavior from her anymore. Do not do anything for her. She does not deserve it. Sounds like she needs a therapist.
Good luck.
Thank you so much!! Yes she
Thank you so much!! Yes she definitely needs a good therapist! Thank you for sharing about your SD it really helps when someone has experiences that are similar. This thread has opened my eyes very wide. My nature is always to forgive and just be happy but this crossed the line and she definitely gets mixed messages if I allow her back in. The funniest thing is we haven’t spoken in a year and she starts this with me very hard situation but I’m sticking up for myself thanks to all you wonderful people here!