I finally did it, cut the cord and broke it off with SO last night.

If you care to peruse my previous blogs, we actually broke up about 6 months ago, then I caved and called him and started seeing him again because I missed him and was scared to be alone again.
Nothing has changed, nothing will change, and after almost 4 years of this, I want more than a casual every-other-weekend-or-so relationship and talking/texting on the phone in between.
So I got through the holidays (barely) and decided to start 2014 on the right foot.
We talked and got through the whole breakup thing. I was sad, he was mad.

These are my points:

1. I will not drive back and forth to his house anymore (1 hour round trip), his house is too small and often dirty and I am not comfortable there and I sure as hell will not live there.
2. His credit sucks and he's broke. His house needs thousands of dollars in work before it's fixed up enough to sell.
What can you do from here??? If I was happy with the weekend/every other weekend thing it would be one thing, but I'm not happy.

I'm LONELY again and being lonely in a relationship is a whole different kind of lonely than a being by yourself kind of lonely. Some other things I pointed out to SO....some of which are direct quotes from here!!!

1. If he wanted to be with me, he would move heaven and earth to be with me. He doesn't. He doesn't do a damn thing and I'm tired of being the one steering and fueling this relationship.
2. I will not fight for somebody who doesn't think I'm worth fighting for. I have no doubt that he loves me, but actually putting effort and sacrifice for ME will not happen. He puts that effort and sacrifice into his 3 kids and there's just leftovers for me.
3. I want to be with someone who will make me their priorty. He has made it perfectly clear that kids come first. Period. Not our relationship. Not just as a responsibility, but as a priority. They are #1 and I am on the back burner.
4. He and BM have been flying by the seat of their pants and have broken the CO and done whatever they have wanted for years. I told SO he NEEDS to get an attorney, get physical custody legally, and make sure BM can't go for back child support EVER. He thinks BM won't do that, so it's not necessary. Sorry, I'm not going to base my future financial security on a lazy, slightly crazy BM.
5. He makes almost twice what I make, and I make a very good salary. He is BROKE BROKE BROKE. I've been paying for everything recently, any time we go out or do anything, it's been on my dime recently. Three kids or not, to have the salary that he does (no CS) and to be in as a poor financial situation as he is in MAKES ME SICK.
6. I didn't reach the age of 40 without any kids of my own to be stuck in a relationship paying to raise someone else's kids just because he made some very poor financial decisions. I want to travel and see the world, get a nice car, and fix up my house.

When I first started making my exit plan, I was mad. Mad that SO wasn't the person that I wanted him to be. Then I finally realized how silly that was. He is who he is. He's made some changes, but at the end of the day, THIS is what I would live with. I can either accept it, or not, but I'm not going to be able to change things and he is not going to change.

So that's it. I'm sad, but it needed to be done. I know there are many others on here with one foot out the door and having a hard time of it. It IS hard. It's sad. It's not because SO is a bad person or a bad Dad....it would be easier if he was.....there's just too much baggage and too much other crap going on that would prevent us from having a happy future.
I can honestly say that this site helped me so much through my relationship and helped me take off those damn rose colored glasses and see things how they truly are.

Happy 2014 STalkers!!! We all deserve a happy healthy year! Cheers to all of you.