I Just Want to Know Why
In our town there is a place that has dances for 7th and 8th graders. It is on every Fri. that school is in session. They charge a one time fee when it opens. They ask that the parents volunteer for at least one dance. Great! I think the place is a great idea.
Now, ss is at Bm's house every Fri. She's the one that signed him up for the dances. She signed ss up last year too but didn't do her volunteer time. This year she actually decided to put her name down to volunteer to chaperon(that's scary in it's own right). Anyway, she only put our phone number and address on the form for ss but she neglected to put her phone number on it. So now the place is calling us because they assume that Bm lives at our address and our phone number. I just got the message today saying that we volunteered.
Why would she do that? Does she want to act like she's Dh's wife and her, ss and Dh are one big happy family or is she just really, really ignorant.
This is really getting to me!
Dawn
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she's really ignorant!
did you give them her number? I would! Maybe she used your address due to the fact that she moves so much?
She's been
at the same address for 4 years with the live in ex. She's getting ready to move but in the same town so she can keep her number. Plus she should have given them her cell phone number because 9 times out of 10, then don't hang their home phone up and the battery goes dead.
She wasn't just trying to be thoughtful I'm sure.
Dawn
i think shes just an a$$hole
pardon my language, but honestly...she wants to sign up and pretend like she wants to help out but gives them ur number so they never call her and if she doesnt get the call, well then she doesnt have to volunteer.
she is a first rate idiot. some people just shouldnt be allowed to reproduce...
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
She's a trip
That's really stupid or rude. Who knows what these nutty women are thinking!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
So what should I do?
The lady left a message on my machine and wants someone to call her back. Should I tell the lady that the person that volunteered doesn't live here and that her number is such and such? Or should I just let Dh deal with it?
Dawn
I guess
I'll have to back down and call Dh to find out what he wants me to do. I would love to just call the lady and say that Bm doesn't live here and never did but then Dh will blame me for whatever goes wrong after that.
The high road really sucks!!!
Dawn
I would definitely call them back and tell them
Very politely, but firmly. "That is not BM's phone number. Here is the current number I have for her if you would like it. SS is not here on Fri nights, so DH and I will not be volunteering to chaperon. So sorry for the confusion."
Something like that. Let them know she is an idiot without saying it outright. After several years with an idiot BM, I'm getting good at things like that.
Surely DH wouldn't mind you doing that right?
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Should I add
that they have our address and phone number because ss lives here but Bm does not? Then tell the lady what Bm's phone number is?
Dawn
I say do what some other
I say do what some other ladies have done from this site w/the collection agencies.. same difference..
Give them EVERY WAY they can get a hold of her. Call back and leave her work (not sure.. this could be a stretch.. am I right??), home and cell numbers, then give her current address and that to which she is moving.
I just think she wanted to sign him up, but didnt want to volunteer, and figured you guys would do it when called.
I agree.....
then maybe she wont do it again!
When she
told Dh she signed up to volunteer she acted like she was going to do it. She straight out told him that she gave them our number and of course Dh didn't question it. Then when he told me, I was like WHAT!!! Why would she do that?!?!?
I think she wants to try and "connect" with ss since she has no clue how to deal with him. I just hope she doesn't show up there and embarrass him to no end. Then he'll try to ignore her and he'll get in trouble for not lavishing her with attention in front of his friends.
Dawn
i wouldnt give them her number
just say she doesnt live there. then i would have DH tell her to stop giving out ur number to ANYONE.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Maybe it's me but I don't see a problem with it
If BM has a problem with you handing out her number, then why did she hand out yours, you know?
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
true
and its not as if its a telemarketer...i liked your suggestion above. go w that dawn!!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I agree w/Sita Tara.. she
I agree w/Sita Tara.. she had NO problem handing out your number. She doesnt want hers handed out then she should treat your number w/the same respect.
I totally would tell them that ss lives w/you M-Fam.. and that on Fripms he lives w/the crazy bm (maybe leave the crazy part out.. let that lady come to her OWN conclusions!)
Well, it just turned into a fight
with Dh! I just hung up on him!! He is now telling me that Bm told him that she did put her phone number on the sign up paper but that she put it by her name so she didn't know if they would call her. I told Dh that he never said that she did that even after I made a stink as to why she would have only put our number. You know what he said? He said that he probably just didn't tell me because he didn't want to get in a fight over it. Um, if he would have told me that in the beginning, I wouldn't have been as aggravated about it. Now I don't know what the real truth is. Did she or didn't she put her phone number somewhere on that sign up paper.
That's it. I'm done with it!!!
Dawn
Wow
The nerve it takes to do something like this. Why put your number? So they'll call your house and ask for her and it'll send you through the roof, that's why.
Stupid Bit*h.
And the DH, why is everything always okay with them. Bet if you had a x and he did the same thing the fight would be on.
He sure as hell wouldn't want to answer the phone and hear someone asking for Mr. X Dawn.
I hate, and I mean hate, double standard Ave.
Exactly
I've told Dh that many times.
Dawn
HA!!!!!!
Either Bm lied to Dh or Dh lied to himself. He just told me that HE called that lady back and the lady said that the ONLY phone number on the sheet was ours!!!!
Dawn
It really is hard...
to be right ALL the time.
I have the SAAAAMMMMEEE problem.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I think that DHs
Get so frustrated that their ex and/or kid causes so much frustration with us. Just had a big talk with my own DH about that one. I told him that he extreme reactions to SDs behavior make me not want to open up to him about her. That I fear that he'll think I'm picking on her all the time (because in all honesty sometimes I am hypersensitive about her actions now, and she is of mine.) So is DH.
So he told me he over reacts because she makes me so frustrated, that it takes less for him to blow up. He spent over 10 years making excuses for BM's behavior and that makes him hyper sensitive when SD mimics her too.
So maybe DH in your case is just always trying to figure out how to neutralize the BM effect, like my DH is with both BM but mostly SD now. I think we are all walking on those proverbial eggshells in these situations.
I feel for ya Dawn.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
EXTREME eggshells, I am
EXTREME eggshells, I am always hesitant to bring up the skids, as DH normally LOSES it when it comes to them. Yet he gets to yell and scream at them when they dont listen to him, god forbid I talk to them in a firm voice when they are doing something they KNOW they arent supposed to do.
Its totally a double standard, and there are so many eggshells on my floors, that I get tired from the constant navigation of them.
Dh
Where do I start? First of all, he doesn't like to discuss anything that Bm does, whether it affects us of not. He wants to try and act like he didn't reproduce with an idiot and now we have to deal with her, like it or not.
Second of all, he never wants to make HER mad. She has to do something pretty awful for Dh to tell her off and I use that phrase lightly because he's even pretty nice when he's telling her off!! Oh, but not me. If I say anything about not being happy with something Bm did it's ALL ME! In his opinion, I just make mountains out of mole hills and I should just ignore everything like he tries to do.
I'm sorry but some things just can't be ignored. He's the one that put us in the situation, not me!! Ya know?
In this case, I don't think it had anything to do with giving out anybodies phone number, even though ours is unlisted(I'm going to ask him why we're paying extra for that when Bm just hands it out willy nilly). When Bm first signed ss up for the dance, Dh said nothing about her putting her phone number on the form, she only put ours. Then she made sure to call Dh to tell him they may call us. I think that she just wanted to rub our noses in the fact that SHE signed ss up and SHE is going to chaperone, not us. That's the kind of person she is. Then after the lady called us, Dh tried to tell me that Bm told him that she did put her phone number on the form and he just didn't tell me because he didn't want to fight with me. His memory is really bad, I guess because it turned out that indeed, Bm DID NOT put her phone number on the form. That was my whole issue from the beginning. Why didn't she put HER phone number on there. So she's either really stupid(don't get me started) or she was trying to show us something.
Dawn
I didn't get bent out of
I didn't get bent out of shape at all. Dawn got bent because the lady called our house looking for BM. I was under the impression that BM's phone number was on the sheet and that the lady missed it and called us instead. I had no problem with that and so I called the lady back, explained the mistake and gave her BM's phone number. I never have a problem giving out her number to those who need it if I know that BM would have given it to that person anyway.
My memory sucks and I truly believed that BM told me that she put her number next to her name on the sheet. After speaking with Dawn about it (she has a MUCH better memory than me) I don't think she told me that at all. As a matter of fact, I now remember asking BM why she didn't just put her number on the sheet. I think at the time I didn't think it would an issue since it would only come up if they called to make sure she was volunteering. Well, that happened, and the shit hit the fan.
I think Dawn was mad because after the lady called I told Dawn that BM told me that she put her number next to her name. Dawn thought that I had withheld this detail from her and she had got pissed for nothing when I first told Dawn that BM signed SS up for this event and had volunteered to chaperon and used our number and address. In reality, I didn't hold it back, so Dawn got pissed for the wrong reason. I say that because I would be pissed also if I got a call from someone looking for Dawn's ex (if she had one).
So, in short, this blow-up was unnecessary and caused by my shitty memory. :? That, and I mentioned that sometimes I don't mention some of the stupid shit that BM does or says to Dawn because I know it will cause her to get pissed and rant about it, which just elevates stress in the house. I always tell her about major stuff, I'm just talking about stupid stuff that really has no direct impact to us that just shows how worthless and ignorant BM is.
Sorry honey.
I'm so glad you wrote
I was thinking how this is parallel to so many of us SMs with regard to BM (or for me now SD.)
I am only speaking for me, not Dawn because I wouldn't ever presume to know or speak for her (she's pretty good at doing so for herself.)
But it sounds from what you wrote...
That you guys (my DH included) feel you have to walk a delicate balance for the sake of your marriage and your kids. When BM caused more trouble in our situation, DH would not tell me everything she did, because he would see me upset. And sometimes I had to push for him to address important things. For instance he still has not told BM that SD pierced her lip, even though SD supposedly did it at BMs. Now honestly, I don't think she did, as the word at school, and from a high school neighbor is that HE did it for her at HIS house (even better I know.)
I think DH doesn't bring it up to BM because BM is close to discontinuing all visitation and he knows I need the break. But I also think that it's an eventuality anyway, and that a non-committal overnight once a week or less is really not a break (BM picks her up at 6 so I have her after school, and then half the time drops her back off at 9p or 7am anyway. Big deal. I could send her to bed for many of those hours here anyway.)
I think she should know about the lip, and that SD claims she did it at BMs on her one overnight that week.
I would tell BM that he doesn't think that part is necessarily true, but that he thought she should know that's what SD said, and let SD take the consequences of lying if it's not true, or confess to BM it's not true and take the consequences of lying here.
Anyway, don't know if that made the point or not. But I think you DH's are trying so hard to figure out how to make us less stressed, but sometimes trying to smooth it over only aggravates us more. I get the intention, but it doesn't have the desired effect I guess.
It all sucks, doesn't it? So complicated all the time trying to remember who said what to whom and why. Not to try to omit the facts, but b/c these BMs (and some SKs) make it so damn confusing to remember them.
Thanks for chiming in Admin. I still think you're swell even if you are full of testosterone.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
FH has a bad memory, too.
FH has a bad memory, too. The first step is recognizing it.
Do you read everything she posts? Dawn, we may have the only two guys who want to know what we really think.
To every thing there is a season.
Nope!
and who knows that she would tell the truth if confronted. Dh doesn't think Bm is smart enough to be manipulative. I think that somehow she manages!!
Dawn
There's some truth (if not
There's some truth (if not all truth) in that.
In our case I think BM went out of her way to show that she was doing something for/with SS. But she was stupid to put our number on the application and not hers. She knew it would be an issue if they ever called us about chaperoning. I guess I was stupid for thinking that it wasn't a big deal.
She knows that we know that she is lacking in the parenting department, so when she actually gets a burst of parenting energy (doesn't happen often) she usually goes overboard with whatever she's doing and makes sure that we know about it. It's silly really. We usually just shake our heads and recognize it for what it is. In this case it, as you pointed out, intruded on us. That happens all too often.
She could have done everything that she did, except put her number on the application, but she didn't. I think that was out of stupidity and lack of forethought. I doubt she could think ahead enough to devise a plan to piss us off like this. She doesn't usually have that kind of mental capacity.
But
Even a potato head could figure out that if YOU are the one volunteering, YOU should put YOUR own phone number on the form. That tells me there are other reasons.
Don't underestimate EVIL!
Dawn
This time
maybe not but trust me, there is evil there on other occasions. Maybe conniving is a better word.
She gets away with a lot of crap. I'd just like to tell her how transparent she is.
Dawn
As a totally biased (on your sides) observer
It seems to me that the facts are-
BM signed him up to go, and herself to chaperone. Then told you all about it (is that right?) thereby rubbing your noses in since it seems she likes to do.
BUT in my unenlightened as in I never met this BM (but feel like I know her oh so well
) put only your number down as the chaperone contact....
I'm thinkin' she wanted the glory of signing him up for the activity, but none of the responsibility commitment of the obligation on her part to chaperone. If they can't reach her, and can only reach you, and SS needs a parent to fulfill a chaperone shift to continuing attending, then she thinks you'll do it for SS.
Just seems like that's the only reasonable explanation.
Our BM is crazy. That's no secret. Most of the time she is too impulsive to be manipulative. But not always. There have been many obvious moments of clarity in her strategy. ("Forgetting to share Dr appts, then changing them when SD told her DH called the Dr to find out the date/time, "accidentally" removing dual notices/newsletters from the backpack on her nights so DH would miss meet the teacher night- once she demanded I bring SD's gym clothes she'd forgotten to the school bc no one would be there by the time DH got off work to do it. He brought them by her house. She wasn't home or didn't answer....ummmm...nope wasn't home. She was at the school for meet the teacher/open house night. Stuff like that.
Does that ring a bell for anyone else?
We are lucky at least that BM has no say in school, sports, etc now so she refuses to participate in anything related to SD. Unfortunately, that now means SD has decided to rise to the occasion and fill in where BM left off.
So maybe BM's crazy crap you are going through is a blessing. As long as she just stirs the pot enough, it will all come from her and SS can just be a good kid.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I'm pretty sure
that Bm has every intention of showing up to chaperon. So I guess that she just wanted to make sure that we knew SHE was chaperoning.
Like Admin said, she tends to be either hot or cold. She'll either go waaaay overboard or forget something completely. Remember last year's scouting for food when we picked ss up with like 6 layers of clothes on and it wasn't that cold out!!(that's coming up again this weekend. I can hardly wait to count the layers)
She's definitely a horse of a different color.
Dawn
I was thinking on the way
to and from the bus stop this morning. Bm is all about "looking" like a good mother. Whether that's true or not. She will go to this dance and look like an involved parent even though we know that that isn't the case. She's not volunteering to help out or for ss's sake. It's all about putting on the facade of a good mother.
Dawn
Vickmeister
OMG...
"We who have to deal with a BM feel intruded upon every minute. Our homes are intruded upon when BM picks up and drops off. Our phones are invaded when she calls. Our holidays are invaded by well-meaning attempts to make sure skids get to spend a bit of time with both parents on special days. Our dealings with our skids and DH's are intruded upon by knowing there will always be a need to accommodate and cooperate, and that our wants and needs will nearly always come second"
That is the most profound statement I've read about being a stepmom in a long time....
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I agree
That really hits home, doesn't it?
Dawn
yep...vick's a genius
i DO feel like my life is intruded upon by BM...but could never pinpoint that feeling.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I was thinking the same thing...
That statement sums up step-moming really well.
My two cents worth (probably actually less than two)
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Being on the outside looking in, not knowing the Bm at all...
C'mon. She'd have to be retarded (meaning lack of IQ here, not emotionally, but intellectually) not to know what she was doing. And it worked! She managed to interfere with your marriage with one little slip of the pen.
I'd look out for that one for sure!
Sorry, Admin, sometimes you guys don't realize how devious women can be.
But we know don't we???
That's part of the problem.
We've been privy to the cattiness of women our whole lives. We would die for our GFs but man, a woman scorned....
Hell hath no fury that's for SURE. Even if it was a self-fulfilling scorning.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra