Struck a nerve............
I had a response on here from someone who said it's not my "place" to volunteer for room mom at my skids school.
I took offense to that. I am a BM and I volunteered at my biokids school everyday for several years until I started working full time. My youngest is now 16 and parents volunteering just doesn't happen at high school except for dances and sporting events which I am involved in.
My "place" has, on occasion, been determined FOR me. I had never dated a guy with young kids before. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know that I would have to step in and BE a mom to kids who weren't mine. I don't want to be a full-fledged MOM to the skids. They have a mom. I put myself in her shoes ALL the time. (it's that biomom in ME) But, when you have skids asking their BM to volunteer and she refuses and then they are asking ME to volunteer, I felt compelled to do it. Don't get me wrong, I WANT to do it. I am a member of this family and I want/need to know their teachers, their friends, and their friends' parents. And because I have a flexible job, I CAN do this. BM did not work for three years and NEVER volunteered. If she chooses to do so now, just because I volunteered, then I will be thrilled. I don't want her "place", she can have it. But, since I've been in this family for a while now, I can tell you that NOBODY determines my "place" except me. It took a while. I had to struggle with feelings of being out of control of my own life - well, not anymore. My place is to do as I damn please, as long as it makes MY household happy and healthy. If BM feels slighted or re-"placed", then it's her own fault and only SHE can change that.
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I agree....
150%... My SDs BM doesn't do crap for them at school events, etc... I have even stayed late an hour away from home to pick them up from a school dance and take them BACK TO BM'S house at 10 pm, then turn around and drive over an hr back to my own house, just so they could attend because BM is too sorry to do it.
Someone want to tell me it's 'not my place' to do this for a kid I love? Tell me it's 'not my place' to chaperone a school trip for them (which I have done that by myself as well), well I DARE YOU to tell me that to my face. Doing something for a kid I love, that my SDs ASK me to do, LOVE for me to do it, because noone else will? That will always be my 'place'.
Sorry if I got hateful but being told what my 'place' is strikes a nerve in me too!
And can I just say this............
Although, I didn't go through this with my ExH or my biokids. My ex has never had anybody signigicant in his life since our divorce.
I would hope that if I couldn't attend/volunteer a function that my kids would have someone in their lives that could be there for them. When I was a volunteer for my kids when they were in grade school, I always kinda felt sorry for the kids who NEVER had a parent/aunt/stepmom/grandparent who could come to the school for special events. I would never want my child to feel that she has nobody there for her. If my biokids had a stepmom who wanted to be there for my kids, especially, if I was unable to, then I think I would be comforted by this. Yes, I may feel a little envious if I COULDN'T attend, but if I chose to stay at home on my lazy fatass, then I would have to effin' deal with it.
******My daddy always said: "It's better to be a SMARTASS, than a DUMBASS!******
Right on!
Perfectson17's soon-to-be-ex-SM has attended just 2 or 3 of his events and I was glad she was there. She's a nice lady and perfectson LOVED the attention and that's all that I cared about.
I didn't read the post that
I didn't read the post that upset you but I think you are absoulutely right! First of all you are doing what is right for the kids, not something cruel to bm. I actually think it is a way to let your skids know you are in their life and care about him.
You are not trying to be there bm, you are just doing something YOU want to do for them, and it makes you feel good. I myself think this is a positive thing , as I believe the more love and support kids have the better.
You're not wrong, don't let anyone make you feel that way
I am a full time BM and a full time SM. My SD10's mother lives in another country. If she needs someone to drive on a field trip, it's me. Last year when I volunteered for her school's yearbook committee it was because there was no one else to do it. Anyone that loves a child should be welcome to help out in the classroom because our teachers need all the help they can get. My mother helps out in my BD5's kindergarten class. You're doing the right thing for your stepchild and for her teacher. Good for you.
you're absolutely right
If you love your step-child(ren) and want to show your love and support for them by being there for their school activities, then you should be able to do it without anyone giving you grief. Anyone can volunteer. When I was in school it was mandatory for parents to put in a set amount of volunteer hours because the admins felt it was important for the family to show support for their children. I think you're doing the right thing. Good for you! Keep up the good work.
And just remember: "Those who can, do. Those who won't, complain".
If your existence makes her
If your existence makes her step up to the plate and be a more involved BM then that's awesome. It sounds like you're just wanting your skids to be happy. They asked both of you and you were the one that said yes...that's not your fault!
Fifth Wheel
I don't know WHO this "self-righteous" person was who said this to you yesterday, but I have one piece of advice for you, and it goes along with what these fabulous ladies have said:
"Screw what EVERYBODY else thinks! You do what YOU think is right for YOUR Stepkid. Go to your SKid's school with a smile on your face and your head held high. And don't let ANYONE make you feel badly for doing what you know in your heart is the right thing to do."
Like you said, you're a BM, too. You volunteered at your kids' school. It's not a big deal. The staff at these schools are BEGGING for help! All you're trying to do is be a GOOD PERSON, and meanwhile some a$$hole is trying to bring you down for it because THEY are being insecure and petty. So I say, ignore them.
My youngest SD asked me years ago to me the "Library Mom" at her school. I didn't bat an eye to say "yes" to her.
I didn't think about the "crazy BM" and what she would think (because I KNEW she'd be pissed). I didn't think about all her "cronies" at the school (because they were all exceptionally catty there).
I only thought about SD innocently wanting me there. And I went. With a smile on my face and my head held high! And for two years I went (until she was too old to have class with a "Library Mom").
But guess what? When she recently graduated 8th grade, she wrote in her handmade card that she remembers how special it was that I was there with her for those two years!
So go. And damn everyone else who has the NERVE to tell you otherwise!
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Wow, thanks!
I appreciate all your supportive feedback. I will not disclose who the person was who said the initial comment to me that "struck a nerve." I feel like everybody is entitled to their opinion, and although this forum is fantastic, unless you had days and days to do nothing but read my life story to help you understand where I'm coming from, people judge you based on their OWN life experiences and reflections, which is where opinions come from in the first place. Sometimes, I myself, may disagree with something someone says or does on here, but I choose to be supportive on this site and try to only give positive feedback. Let's face it, life is hard for stepmoms in OUR real worlds, let this be a safe place to come and express ourselves.
******My daddy always said: "It's better to be a SMARTASS, than a DUMBASS!******