Off topic
Maybe off topic but just wanted a little rant. Dh's dad is in hospital really not doing well at all his liver has failed and his lungs the only thing keeping him alive is the machines at the moment.
fil has 3 sons who all want to see him before he inevitably goes.
My fil left his kids when they were young. They went round to his house one weekend and he just wasn't there. They didn't see him at all for years. Since then the relationship has been strained at best but these men want to put the past in the past and see their father before he passes.
fils wife has to self isolate and has 2 days left so is not allowed to see him at the moment. Because the 3 sons were going to see their father she (and her son) called them all selfish for going to see fil before she could see him, that they were trying to push her out of the family and they shouldn't be using this to build bridges (don't know when a better time would be to make amends)
the 3 sons aren't stopping her from going to see him it's the hospital that are saying she isn't allowed just yet due to COVID and her needing to self isolate.
Feeling a bit sorry for Dh and his brothers at the moment.
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Well, I guess we know why he
Well, I guess we know why he stopped seeing the kids! Pressure from the wife, I assume (not that it's her fault - he chose to go along with it)?
What a selfish person. What, she'd prefer they wait until he dies to start building bridges? I hope they told her to piss off and went to see him anyway.
I'm very sorry to hear about
I'm very sorry to hear about your FIL. I lost my fiance to liver failure in late 2018, He'd been estranged from his 2 adult children for many years when he got sick. I had hoped they could mend fences before it was too late. I made sure they knew they were more than welcome to come see their dad, and make their peace with him. I'd give them all time and access they wanted.
Your FIL's wife is the selfish one for trying to prevent your DH and his brothers from seeing their dad while he's still alive.
It's not like he and his
It's not like he and his brothers are going to have a relationship with Dad's wife after he passes. I don't see any reason why they should wait, and I don't see any disrepect in it.
I disagree
They have evidently have had years to make amends. Now as the end approaches they must see him to make amends. Whether they like their stepmom or not her upset is understandable. My step kids would do exactly this, rush in at the end. I know I am an outlier. Some of the posters suposing she's the reason he didn't see the kids or that she is the selfish one....maybe she is the one who has been the constant in his life, maybe she has been a good and loving wife. Maybe she is hurting and angry because his children didn't have a better relationship with their dad. Maybe the right thing to do is acknowledge her feelings, go see their dad and color that block checked.
What skin is it off the wife
What skin is it off the wife's nose if the sons go see their father before she can? Hey, dad walked out on them. Perhaps they are hurting, and want to put that hurt to rest.
As I wrote in my post, I made sure my late fiance's children had the opportunity to tell him good-bye if that's what they wanted. It wasn't my place to tell them no, and having already lost both of my parents, I wanted them to have the chance to make their own peace.
We have one side of the story here
Maybe he dropped the rope after the kids were pas'd, maybe he was the worlds worst dad. Who knows. But maybe SM has been the one there for her husband day in day out, seeing her skids pretty much not wanting to have much of a relationship with their dad. Maybe in view of that she finds all of this a bit hard to swallow. Maybe this is supposed to be a site where we understand the SM's POV?
This is totally my skids. Their dad abandoned them (he didn't). When he was ill and needed help day to day they were nowhere to be found, but any opportunity to make themselves look good on it like a fly on excrement. So perhaps I have a bit of empathy for SM. That and I am not a fan of those that think amends can only be had at the end of life.
It's none of her business
It's none of her business whether or not they are rushing in at the last minute, they have every right to do so. The fact that she even said something tells me she's part of the problem. Doesn't she consider maybe HE wants to see his kids before he dies? It's not all about her. She can think what she wants but should keep it to herself.
The OP said they went over for a weekend visit and dad was gone. Doesn't sound it was the kids who ruined that relationship.
So you are saying
The skids rights trump SM's? You are assuming a lot of negative things about this SM. I thought SM trumps all here? Perhaps she said something because she reached the end of a very long rope.
There's many sides to the
There's many sides to the story, we don't know the dads, or the stepmoms, or if stepmom was even around back when the dad left. All feelings should be taken into consideration, but IMO the wife by his side all these years feelings matter the most. JMO. Maybe the kids were PAS'd and dad dropped the rope. Maybe they were little sh*ts, maybe he was a piece of poop dad that really just didn't care. Too much we don't know, but I find it hilarious they THIS board of all people would jump to blame the SM first. Just WOW!
The HOSPITAL is the one not
The HOSPITAL is the one not letting the wife visit until she finishes isolation. If the man's sons aren't prevented by the hospital from visiting, why should they hold off and wait for the wife? This is an end of life situation. No do-overs. Should they miss out on possibility of telling their father good-bye simply because medical protocol says the wife has to stay away for a couple of more days?
This is an end of life
This is key. Death is final. It is permanent.
Regardless of what transpired or the why behind it, when certain death arrives the game changes. For everyone.
Facing mortality, whether your own or another's, can bring with it enough force to unearth even the deepest buried of issues. Including ones we don't understand or didn't know were there. Regret, rejection, love, anger, fear, grief, peace, guilt, you name it.
Recognizing that for all players - that even though the details may be night and day different - the process, the confrontation is the same.
Accepting the consequences of one's actions, one's life, can be both beautiful and painful. No one should deliberately interfere with that.
Partners and parents are different roles. Love is not a zero sum game in life nor in death. There should be compassion and space for all.
I'm not blaming the SM. I
I'm not blaming the SM. I just don't see why the sons can't see their dad just because the hospital says she can't visit for two days. If I were the stepmom I think I'd be glad for them to be in and out and I wouldn't have to even see them.
No, I agree they should still
No, I agree they should still go and see the dad, it was the comment about SM being responsible for dad not seeing his kids....like wtf? Or that her feelings aren't valid, because they are. Not that she is 'right' or 'wrong'.
Things I know
I know when fil left and didn't see the children sm was not involved at all was another 10 years after that before they were together. I know my sadly deceased mil didn't pas the boys. In fact she told them things like maybe he just forgot to mention it. He will probably get in touch soon to give you his new address etc. But then fil didn't until a good 15 years later. My dhs brother is actually close with their dad and he was also called selfish etc. When the boys thought that only 2 people were allowed to see him in total they chose sm and the brother closest to fil and my Dh and the other brother wouldn't go at all. Once they found out more that 2 could go they arranged to go.
I have never met fil he has not been involved in my dhs life at all. He did however go to ex wife's house for brunch and left before skids came home. So didn't see his own son or his grandkids.
it's a tough one but all I can see is that she's trying to stop the boys seeing their father at the end of his life because she can't get their first. She's probably going through some serious emotional turmoil right now. Her husband is really sick and she isn't allowed to be with him. I just don't think the boys going to see their dad has anything to do with her.