If you could go back in time?
If you could go back in time or if you knew then what you know now, would you still choose to be with men who have kids with the ex? I wouldnt!!! Yes i knew he had a child but i never knew how the child was like and how the child would become my biggest problem. I never knew all the never ending hardship and challenges i was signing up for. I have been facing issues i never even imagined, been battling with feelings i never thought i would have. You feel guilty, confused and evil for the resentment building in you. I just think the step parenting territory brings out the worst in people and they find themselves become people they don't want to be. I didn't know i was saying yes to a hard, complicated marriage that comes with a hundred plus challenges that marriages without step kids don't have. It's just not worth it to have your daily fights be about another woman's child, it's not worth your energy or time.
It's not worth it to have your marriage strained by another woman's child. It's not fair to have your happiness and peace of mind be taken away by another woman's child. A relationship is best between two people, 3 is a crowd! I think things would be much better if only you could choose your step child, just as you choose your friends and your spouse. You can break up with your friend or your boyfriend but you are not allowed to break up with your step child.....that's the problem! It seems like i also married my step child so I want to divorce him!!!! I don't want him in my life or my son's. I don't want anything to do with him, he has put me thru too much, I wish i never even had to see him again. At times i consider leaving DH just so to get SS, BM and MIL out of my life. Being with DH seems to drag unpleasant people in my life but at the same time i love DH and I want to keep my family for our son and I also dont want to give those three the satisfaction of leaving because that's exactly what they want and i can't let them win.
Being a step mom is the hardest job ever and it's usually unrewarding! I never knew i didn't have what it takes to be a step mom, it's not for the faint at heart cause you will eventually suffer from high blood pressure. I guess I wore a shoe that doesn't fit and you know what happens when you do that, you get bruised, uncomfortable, frustrated, depressed and you won't be able to walk in it, either you take it out or it tears or you wait through the pain for the shoe to eventuallly stretch enough to accomodate your foot.
a step mom has to be patient and im not, a step mom has to be emotionally strong and im so not, a step mom has to be slow to anger and im the opposite, a step mom has to be quick to forgive and i take things to heart and take a very long time to let go and forgive, a step mom has to be physically active to not mind having to carry the extra heavy load & responsibilities and well im lazy and the extra load makes me very resentful i dont want to labour fo SS in anyway he dazn even deserve my sweat! step mom has to love sharing and i dont im very selfish. a step mom has to be willing to live up to people's unrealistic expectations and i am so not. a step mom has to be delusive (agree that SS is her son) Im very realistic, I always make sure DH doesnt forget the word "step" when he adresses SS as my son
I can never have a lying, disrespectful, manipulative, ill mannered, rude and traitorous child like SS. I honestly feel insulted when DH says SS is my son. He doesnt have the honor of being called "mine"
i hate being a step mom and having to waste time venting about SS and i hate having to feel all the resentment and anger i feel because of SS's existence in my life!!!! The thought of having to deal with such for the rest of my life makes me wanna run!
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Comments
I would, and I would have
I would, and I would have married DH sooner. If I could go back I would have told DH to file for abandonment right when I met him. SOOOO many of our problems with BM would have been squashed if I had said something. Instead, I said "this dude is too fresh out of his marriage" and waited 2 more years before we started dating. That was my big mistake.
Other than BM's drama, and even that is pretty much over now, DH and I are solid as ever and I love that man so much it's crazy. I wouldn't trade my life or my marriage for anything. This man is my person. He is my best friend. As cheesy as that sign that goes around is, for us it's true "Marriage is endless sleepovers with your favorite weirdo". LOL
“If you could go back in time
Nope.
HELL
F*****g NO!!!!!!
Yes I would.
Yes I would.
The only thing I would change if I could go back is how uninvolved and trusting I was about SO and the VA. Other than that I love what I have. The children are amazing and always have been. SO has always respected me and maintained boundaries appropriate between him and BM. BM while annoying is manageable once you realize she’s all bark.
I’ve thought of this question
I’ve thought of this question very often and for the most part the only thing I may change is investing so much time, love and energy into his daughter who I don’t think ever appreciated it. Now that I look back I think she faked liking me so she can get things but never really gave a damn about me. I didn’t understand just how strong the manipulation and brain washing was with her mother and that no matter what I did I never stood a chance against that vindictive behavior.
Being a step parent can be difficult but only if the spouse doesn’t shut things down and show the kids that their W or H is a priority and is to be respected. When boundaries are not created and consistency is not implemented it makes for a stressful relationship for all involved. In the end to me it all falls on that parent modeling good behavior and creating boundaries. So yes I’d do it again with him but be pretty much disengaged from his daughter from jump.
I agree with you, the bio
I agree with you, the bio parent is the one who can stop his child from being a problem in the marriage. The most problems arise from different parenting styles and the guilty parent syndrome! The BM can be hard to control as well as the mother in law scrutinity and unrealistic expectations. I think family conselling is necessary to deal with the issues that arise from step relations.
I would have run far far away
I would have run far far away
You are not alone
Oh man, I am right there with you for every word of that vent. The guilt, the resentment, the guilt about the resentment, the neverending list of thankless tasks and burdens. It can be so overwhelming. I have had some of those exact same feelings. My skids are good kids but there have been so many times that I was tired of dealing with the bs and drama that came from their BM and DHs lack of ability to stand up to her - I fantasized about leaving on rare occasions. I've even confessed to DH before that I wish I could have him without them. Not that we could do anything about it but it still felt good to be raw and honest.
Have you told your DH about any of these feelings? It can be scary to admit some of these things but if you have any kind of good communication at all, he will understand that you are not a bad person, you are just dealing with difficult and unpleasant feelings. I'd urge you to talk to him. If you just can't, at least you have this blog. Everyone needs a safe place to let go. <3
No. I would not choose this
No. I would not choose this again. It’s not worth it and I say that coming from a successful experience thus far. My stepkid lives with me, he’s nearly identical to my personality and mannerism (bc I’be been his primary parent since he was 2). It’s a lot of stress and work for nothing. Why choose this when you don’t have to?
Never. Never. Never.
Never. Never. Never.
In a heartbeat. The ONLY
In a heartbeat. The ONLY thing I would have done differently - go in disengaged.
I don't think that I would
I don't think that I would pass on my relationship with my husband. God knows he isn't perfect, but I do love him, and our daughter is the biggest blessing in my life. I'm sure I would have found happiness otherwise, but I just can't imagine life without her in it.
What I WOULD change is how much of my heart I gave to my stepdaughters. I've cared for them, loved them, and sacrificed for them as much (or more!) than their parents have for the last 11 years. In return I've basically spent the past three years being crapped all over by both of them. BM has done a lot of terrible stuff to me/us, but nothing she ever did hurt me as deeply as having my SDs maliciously lie about me and try to sabotage my family/home. If I didn't love them so much and if I hadn't done so much for them, all this wouldn't be as painful.
This is why I tell new/young stepmoms to guard their hearts and exercise some restraint when it comes to doing for and giving things to their stepkids. Yes, it can be all sunshine and rainbows when the kids are young and they just generally love everybody/everything. But there is no power greater than the influence a mother has over her children and even if you are literally the best stepmom in the world (I was!), they can and will eventually turn on you when it benefits them/BM to do so.
Before I had my baby, I’d
Before I had my baby, if you’d told me when I met DH what I had in store, I’d say I’d have run screaming in the other direction. No way in HELL would I put myself through all this.
Now that I’ve got my baby though, it’s hard to say that because without him I wouldn’t have my child.
If I could have my life without skids & all the drama, I’d choose that in a nanosecond. They’re not awful kids, but is it worth it? No. Only my child is worth it.
Knowing what I know now, I
Knowing what I know now, I don't think I would do it all over again. I realize the pain of never having experienced my life with my DH, but I'm not sure that outweighs the anger and stress with his kids. There are SO many different pieces that have caused completely unnecessary stress and drama in my life. My DH's family are quite possibly the worst people I have ever met, completely off their rockers and have the most warped view of family, marriage, and the world in general. SKids are almost completely unbearable. Although I think that a lot of my frustration and resentment towards them is from everything we've gone thru from the beginning and I often wonder if going in disengaged would have made it easier, on everyone - not that it makes a difference now either way. BUT I also got my youngest daughter out of this marriage and she is absolutely amazing. I couldn't imagine not having her. I never knew how hard being a step parent was, and I can tell you right now that if for any reason my marriage doesn't survive this, I will NOT be with another man who has kids again. I realize that seems unfair or hypocritical when I myself have 2 daughters that would be skids to someone new, but I will never put myself in a position where I am a SM again unless the kids are grown. It's been one of the worst experiences of my life having these kids 24/7 and rarely having any good moments in our lives. I've been around a lot of kids in my life, between my own 2 daughters and friends' or family members kids, but my 2 skids are at the top of the worst behaved, ungrateful, manipulative, lying, stealing kids I've ever known.
I'm not married thank
I'm not married thank goodness, so I feel like I can just leave at any second. For the time being I am enjoying myself and my boyfriend no longer has 50/50 custody as I refused to care for the kids while he worked. This seems to have worked in my favor thus far. Bio mom stepped up. She has the kids all the time now except eowe and my boyfriend has been taking me out to nice places and we are getting along much better. We'll see if it continues.. although, I will never date someone with minor kids again if this doesn't work out. I like a lot of one on one attention.
we have kids
In my case I have 3 kids with my husband so while I can say I wish I had not ever been with him I would not have my babies and I cannot imagine my life without him. But I guess maybe I have to go through the hell of habing my babies but no husband because my husband only when regardig this damn step daughter is HELL for me even though she is 18 and no longer even lives with us.