I agree. As soon as you feel like there is some resolution or closure, you will feel a lot better. Counseling is a great idea and a very mature and responsible way to handle this. In my personal experience (and I am an obsessive worrier too), when you feel like you can't express your fears, worries and anger, it builds up to almost unbearable levels. Every little problem gets magnified and it's very easy to feel completely overwhelmed and anxious.

I think two things need to happen. You need to sit down with your BF and tell him how you are feeling, even if it's scary. If you stick with your feelings specifically and avoid attacking language or anything hostile that will put up his defenses, you will be able to work through it. It is scary when you aren't sure of your relationship's future and you worry about blowing it by being too "obsessive" or overreacting, but if you don't get to the point where you can honestly confide in your BF and have mature and respectful dialogue, your relationship will never progress and you won't have peace of mind and a secure relationship. A relationship where you can't be totally honest and confide in each other isn't worth having at all, in my opinion. I went through this with my husband and I know how awful it feels. Both H and I initially tried to work through our issues alone, without talking about it (both of us were very emotionally independent before we got together and were used to working on problems alone). Both of us were scared that if we said how we really felt, concerning delicate issues, that it might break up our relationship. We tried to push it under the carpet, but eventually the stress and pressure became too much and we wound up working through everything and getting to a far, far better place in regards to our communication. Because I had been suppressing my anger, resentment and frustration from H, the first time we talked about it, I was way, way over-emotional and it was a very dramatic conversation, but it got better from there on. Once I had expressed myself and had talked to H, it was like a huge weight had been lifted. We didn't resolve anything that first conversation, but a lot of the things I had issues with suddenly didn't bother me because I had been able to talk about them and get things off my chest. My husband was going through his own struggle and was extremely anxious about BM and not causing her to flip out. He did anything he could to avoid pissing her off, even to the point where I was the emotional casualty. I finally told him exactly how I felt and that he needed to choose his priority; BM's emotions or mine! He felt a lot better after telling me how pressured and stressed he felt, trying to please everybody (an impossible task in our situation). He learned how I felt and we were able to talk it through (over a few weeks). He had never thought of things from my perspective like that and it was the same for me with his issues. Just the fact that we had communicated at all was huge and we got better and better at it and now don't have any communication issues. We honestly confide in each other and no subject is off limits. We know the best and worst about each other and there is a huge amount of trust. His behavior with BM did a complete 360 and he did everything he could to make sure my feelings were taken into consideration as a priority over BMs (duh!). He hated her guts the whole time, but he was a pushover in a lot of ways because he was trying to keep the peace. The problem was that he didn't set appropriate boundaries for BM and she was completely delusional about H and because he didn't react or have a visibly negative reaction to her crazy announcements, she assumed that he supported her and agreed with her! Once it was made clear that he wasn't going to cater to her anymore, she flipped out and became hysterical. It was the thing H had avoided for so long, but once it actually happened, everything was fine. H realized that BM being angry was nothing to fear and that she could have tantrums up the wazoo and that it simply didn't matter! Instead of a delusional and bitchy BM trying to push herself into our lives and crossing boundaries every day, H alienated her and set some boundaries and she finally got the idea and started to leave us alone more. She was and is still crazy and delusional and has tantrums on a regular basis, but instead of being worried about that and having an unhappy and anxious wife at home, he has a happy and secure wife and a peaceful retreat in his own home. Once he stopped trying to appease BM, he said it felt like being released from cattle car shackles! He used to take BMs feelings into account with almost every decision, just so that he could avoid her freaking out and making a scene and she loved that and manipulated him as much as her tiny brain was capable of. His priorities now are his wife and kids and then extended family, friends, pets....and then our interests and hobbies, our home etc...BM is not on the list anywhere! Her feelings are most definitely prioritized below our toilet that tends to run unless you jiggle the handle! }:) We both view her as scum of the earth and do not take her opinions or feelings into account at all. If you're feeling like you are not your BF's priority (you and his kids should tie for first place!) then you need to talk to him about it and see where he stands. If you really aren't a priority for him, then maybe you need to break up. If you ARE his priority, then you can go from there and work on better communication. Telling him how you feel about things will change everything for the better because the truth will be out there, you will be expressing yourself and your BF will know what you are thinking and feeling. I used to get angry with H because I assumed he knew what upset me or hurt my feelings and it took a while for me to realize that he's not psychic and I needed to tell him what I was feeling, not assume he knew!! He started off being uncomfortable talking about his feelings because he has always been very closed off and comes from a family that values a pleasant front at all times (they are wonderful people, but very different from my loud and rambunctious family). Now, H is a total chatterbox! We check in with each other every day and make sure that we have a little bit of time alone to see how each other are doing. Some days are so busy and hectic that we don't have a chance to sit down and talk or cuddle, but it is a rare day where we don't talk in bed at the very least. If it's been a hard day, we take a shower together, get in comfy pj's and go to bed early so we can lay there and talk. It's like having a sleep over with my best friend, every night! The thing is we didn't start out this way! It was a long process and we continually work on it and deal with things as they come up.

The second step is counseling. I think it would be beneficial for you by yourself and/or with your BF. I am extremely pro-counseling and have benefitted from it a lot in my own life. Look around and ask friends for recommendations for a good person that you like and feel comfortable with. Even if you take a while to get to the point where you and your BF have resolved things, I think it would still be a huge help to you to have someone neutral and supportive to talk to every so often. At this point, I would recommend seeing someone once a week or at the very least every two weeks. There is still a stigma associated with therapists, but only among the very uneducated and ignorant. Doctors and others in the medical field have accepted for decades that the mind's health is just as important as the body's. It has been scientifically proven to be helpful and sometimes necessary to see a therapist. There is nothing shameful or embarrassing about it and anyone who says otherwise is just being nasty and ignorant. This is kind of a stupid metaphor but I look at it as being similar to your teeth. You are responsible for the day to day care of your teeth and if you don't brush and floss enough, you will get decay and other problems. To take adequate care of them, you also annually see a dentist, a medical professional that is trained to maintain and repair your teeth. The dentist does his or her job and helps with major repairs, but it is up to you to follow their advice and keep things clean and maintained on your own on a daily basis. The mind and your emotional state are the same. You are responsible for working on your emotional life and psychological state yourself, but that doesn't mean you need to do it all on your own or handle the big problems yourself. Having a therapist that you can talk to and confide in will help you deal with the bigger issues that are too overwhelming to deal with by yourself.

Good luck and I wish you the best with this!!!

if that doesn't work change the locks, that way neither he nor BM can get in the house when you're not there!! Trying to make you laugh hon. The situation sucks but it'll teach you and BF how strong you are! Good luck!

If he doesn't want to change his behavior after you tell him how it makes you feel, then at least you know that you gave it your all. I tend to see myself in you, when I first started with SO, and for years I looked for him to make me happy, when I needed to be happy with myself. You sound like you possess some great qualities, and what I see as one of the biggest things you have (and probably because I don't have it), is your own place. Since it is your place, what YOU say goes, and I don't think you're being unreasonable with what you want. I know you're trying to make it work, but is he? In your last post, you wrote that you went out in essence "to show him you don't care/teach him a lesson". In the grand scheme of things, that is a game you're playing, hoping that he will feel like he's losing you and shape up. But the way he reacted, like nothing, just shows that he's in it for himself. I think most guys would have known something was up if their girlfriends put on their favorite jeans and left to go out, then came home intoxicated and passed out. Now you're doing things to get back at him, but they aren't working and in the process you're destroying who you are, and you're sinking down to his level. Don't play that game with him. Tell him how you feel, and if he tries to get defensive, keep YOURSELF calm, and tell him that you're not yelling/attacking, you just want to have an adult conversation. He is absolutely wrong in forcing this with you, but like a poster wrote below, he probably also needs time to figure out what he wants and who he is before making anyone else happy.
(((HUGS))))

Excellent post A.Deville.

Ask him why he feels like he has to cater to her (even though we know it's the whole guilt thing, and probably fear of her not allowing the skids to see him). Explain to him that once everything is done legally, she cannot withhold visitation from him (and yes, he will get visitation). Explain that the kids will not grow up damaged just because he didn't stay with BM, and he doesn't need to maintain a false facade of friendship with her for the kids if she does not respect him or his boundaries (which he needs to set with you). Tell him that you are willing to compromise with him, but don't give him too much rope.