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23 year old SS and his mom

Dino's picture

My 23 year ols ss has moved home twice in the last two years. The first time he was there 3m and we got all of his fines paid off his lic. back and auto insurance. Also $2000 in the bank. Also he was smoking pot in our house and had no rules that his mom will uphold. She wants a relationship with him so bad she overlooks everything and comments let me handle it. Within two months of moving out in 05 he had 3 drug charges 1 Drunk driving and lots of traffic fines. Has been in jail twice and never paid a fine unless arrested. I have worried since then of him moving back. In January when I was on a business trip she invited him over. I told he to make him leave. For the last 5 yrs he has not paid any rent anywhere. He Goes someplace and won't leave. She kept telling me not to worry. Well here we are three months later and no change. He told her he wanted to quit drugs and drinking so he had to move in. Well he goes out couple nights a week and dosent come home and sleeps all day. I did get him his old job back that he quit 3 months before moving home because his boss was mean. Since moving home I have found drugs twice in the house and could smell pot in the garage on other time. He is suppose to give us his checks and we give him a little spending money. Well out of 7 checks he kept 5 gave us $140 out of one $412 check and $60 out of the other and then got $150 from his girlfriend for his bar tab. What do I do I am at my wits end. He dosent want help he wants enabled and my wife thinks she is helping him. My wife keeps telling me that I am the adult and I keep telling her so is he. All I want is an exit plan, Time limit and some clearcut no break rules. If he breaks them he's out. I also have three other adult children 25,21,21. One of the 21 are my stepson. All out of house and responsible. We get along great. Also we have an 8 year old together at home. I don't want the 23 year old around him. Help

Comments

Sia's picture

get him out of that house before the 8y/o finds the drugs. This is not a good environment fot the 8 y/o. I would tell her that he has to go because of the 8 y/o, maybe that would strike a nerve. If not, I would tell her he has to go or you are going to leave and take 8 y/o with you. I don't understand enabling parents, who do they think is making them the way they are? Maybe try to get her to counseling, a therapist would have a field day with her. Smile

Dino's picture

I have told her those exact things. I keep telling her that insanity is trying the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. She saye we must forget about yesterday and start fresh. I tell her past experience is a direct prediction of future actions. He lies, steals and manipulates people. He is very convincing. I love her very much but everytime his name comes up we are in a fight. Its like she is him if I say anything bad about him she takes it personal. Him and I get along real good. I don't want to kick him out I want him to want to leave. Who wants to live with Mommy when you are 23 yr old.

gertrude's picture

That is a tough place to be. Can you do a contract? Include your wife, have all three of you sign it. (Do it when he is straight and sober). Maybe - especially in light ofthe eight year old there - he can't be there when you aren't there, so no key. he gets up and leaves with you, he shows up at dinner time or goes hungery, he is in the house by 10:00 pm, or sleeps elsewhere. These are all things you require to have a stable house for the 8 year old. If he violates them, he's out. He can earn priveledges based on behavior. Since his words have no meaning - he can't get anything based on his words - only on behavior. Really, she is totally enabling him, and instead of helping, it is actually crippling. This is such a tough place to be, good luck.

Most Evil's picture

Hi, all of these are good suggestions, I especially like the change the locks then no key idea, that would give you back control. Your wife needs to be in counseling, that is a very unhealthy dynamic she is creating with her son. If she is not willing to fix this I would seriously consider whether this is the right relationship for you?

It sounds like you have been patient so now have the right to put the hammer down. Otherwise he could be there with you supporting him for years.

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

larry's picture

Well I took the 23 yr old SS to a therapist and he told him he needs to set an exit date. Thats a start. Mom is out of the country so it's just him and I this week. Pray for me.