I'm in a similar situation. BM regularly tells SSs - "your dad hates me" "your dad won't respond to my texts", leading one of my SSs to have regular meltdowns. Several weekends ago, one SS (the one who is totally enmeshed with BM) kept saying "I know secrets" "Dad, I know secrets". After one meltdown, he said to DH "Dad, I know secrets about you. Mom told me you caused the divorce." Now, the truth of the matter is that BM and DH never really got along and should never have gotten married, so they essentially both caused the divorce by getting married because they both wanted to be married, not because they loved one another. BM filed for divorce because she met someone else (she could never have survived on her own).

More recently, that same SS was not handing in his homework. DH texted BM (they don't speak by phone) to say he was upset that homework still wasn't being turned in and he wanted there to be consequences. Long story short, BM turned it into a fight between her and DH, not only giving SS a total pass about his homework, but also likely telling SS in the process that he doesn't have to worry about his homework because DH is only making an issue out of it because he "hates her."

All that is to say, I feel your pain. Even simple conversations with BM turn into fights, because she wants to fight, not because DH is overly difficult with her. I think in my case (and maybe in your case), BM has not moved on from the relationship. I swear she still has feelings for DH even though she is now "married" (they say they are married, but for some reason, they never legally got married) to someone else and has been since before I met DH. DH disagrees, but really, why else would someone text for four hours over something that should be a non-issue? Why else would someone send texts saying "why do you hate me?!" over and over and over again to her ex husband.

My only piece of advice is to try to ignore BM as much as you can. I try to pretend that the BM in my life does not exist and really push DH hard to avoid conflicts with her. For example, when he wants to complain about homework, I remind him that she a) doesn't care about homework; b) makes a million excuses for why SSs shouldn't be expected to do the same work as other kids; c) would probably tell them not to do their homework just to spite DH, if he mentions it's important to him. I suggest that perhaps he just go directly to the kids and share his expectations with them rather than trying to parent with her.

Another example, he hates that she says anything to the kids about conflicts the two of them have and hates it when she causes any sort of disturbance at a sporting event when they are there together. He still thinks that if he can just "reason with her", she'll stop putting the kids in the middle. I try to explain to him that she doesn't think she's putting the kids in the middle, so telling her that she is (even if it's true) is just a way to guarantee a fight.

My view is that I know she's saying terrible things, I just hope that by our actions and our refusal to engage with BM, the kids will one day realize that all that she has said about their father is not true.

Believe me, there are many times when I want to tell them that not only is what she is saying not true, but also that she is the one who is actually the "bad" parent by trying to convince them that their father doesn't care.

I sometimes have to put all my mental strength into giving BM the biggest eye roll (not literally since I avoid the woman like the plague) and then ignoring her outright. I can't change what she says about me or about DH, but I can try to use my actions and convince DH to use his actions to counteract her lies.

BM will blame you and/or Dad for absolutely anything and everything until the day she finally closes her eyes for the last time.

Just assure kiddo that everything is under control. Daddy is taking her to the sport, everybody is excited about it and then you all are doing ______ (whatever).

Seriously, down playing all the fuss and upset at your stepkids young age is about the best you can do. The kids love Mom, telling them Mom is a batsh*t lying crazy nut is something you'd like to do but certainly can't.

Strike it up to some kind of misunderstanding, remind them how excited Daddy is he gets to participate and sometimes working out all the all details on the phone gets hard. But it's all done and yes, sport is on.

Now watch BM keep the uniform hidden somewhere so the kid can't get it in morning. Argh! I hope the coach has a spare tee in their car just in case.

It's hard for kids when BM starts in about their father, but you have to be very careful not to do the same thing back on BM. As I said, I'd downplay it as simple adult stuff that takes a bit to work out and nothing to worry about. SO can discuss the adult stuff with BM and when it is solely between the adults he is free to tell BM to knock the sh*t off. That all this bad mouthing Daddy isn't going to fly. He can actually reopen the custody parenting plan and have language entered that neither parent can bad mouth the other parent to the children. Not that that will actually stop her, but it helps build more ammo against her when Dad gets ready to file contempt.

The children do not deserve to be put being high conflict quarreling parents. This is Dad's weekend. He doesn't have to play 'fight with BM' on the phone/text. You and Dad don't discuss the BM crap tonight as this is Daddy/Family time. And you don't want little ears to hear.

Except Dad wants to know where to get the kid's uniform he has nothing else to say to BM until exchange Sunday. He can freely tell her to stop bothering and interfering with his parenting time.

How old are the kids?

Look up 'low contact' and "parallel parenting".

I would not have given her the chance to say the uniform could have been exchanged 'tomorrow'

It would have been left at her place right away.

jmo

you will always be blamed by BM. It's what they do. It's not ok but it seems to be par for the course.