To summarize last night's argument...
Okay DW.
To summarize last night’s argument, when we agreed that SS was to be punished, I understood that meant until the next report card comes (which is end of February). Until then SS is not allowed to go over to friend’s houses or hang out with friends after school, he is not allowed to play video games and he is to go to bed a half-hour early. Oh and no snacks. SS’s next report card would be his only reprieve. Until then, SS is grounded.
What you had *meant to say* (and I am so sorry for being such a mean-spirited dickhead for not being able to read your mind) is that SS is punished unless the following conditions arise:
Again, I am so sorry I had misunderstood all this. Apparently you had explained all this to me and it was very clear. I had completely missed the mark on this one and I feel utterly sheepish for wanting to instill disciplinary measures that have some semblance of rigor and consistency.
I’m an asshole. There! I admitted it. Hopefully I will be able to smooth things with a bottle of wine, a box of chocolates and some roses. Or should I perhaps save my money? SS might need it for bail sometime in the future.
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In all fairness, I have a
In all fairness, I have a hard time with long term punishments too. In my eyes, they teach the kids how to "do time." When my BS16 messes up in school, I usually punish him until I SEE a rise in his grades. I am able to check his grades daily and his teachers are pretty good about updating them in the computer. Usually, I am able to see a change within 2 weeks. But a 5 week punishment? I wouldn't be able to stick to that either.
I agree, I think that just as
I agree, I think that just as kids need to punished for bad behavior, they also need to be rewarded for good behavior.
Being awarded for good
Being awarded for good behavior in our home means "remembering you were punihsed for 2 hours".
(I.e. "Awwwww you were bored for 2 hours because you remembered you were not allowed to play video games. Good for you for remembering! Let's go out for ice cream)
haha Ok admitted... your wife
haha Ok admitted... your wife takes this concept and runs wild with it, so I do understand your frustration.
I agree with you ... but if
I agree with you ... but if DW can't stick with it, she should not GIVE that punishment. Once she gives it, it is her responsibility to see it through. Otherwise the kid just learns punishment means nothing I can get around mom.
sadly, the ss already knows
sadly, the ss already knows this and has quite a history of taking full advantage of it....
ugh, so frustrating when there's no follow-thru. such a disservice to poor kids who need to know who they can count on for better or worse...
I think your DW is my DH'S
I think your DW is my DH'S twin! SS10 is grounded for throwing a rock through our master bedroom window. He is to give us his allowance until he's paid for the window. SS15 was grounded last week for a month for calling me a bitch and arguing with DH about it. No video games or electronics. DH is constantly giving SS10 money for activities such as the rec center and SS15 was playing video games this weekend because he had a friend over and they had to be able to do something. So yesterday, SS15 weasels his way into being ungrounded because he's bored and has nothing to do. We're eating dinner and SS10 tells me point blank that he should be ungrounded too because he's sick of not having $$. So yeah, ya'll just decide when your punishment is over. I wonder if that would work too for your uncle who's doing jail time, maybe he can ask to be released because he's sick of being there.......
I believe a long term
I believe a long term punishment *can* work if (and only if) it was applied consisitently with daily reminders that kid is being watched. Unfortunately, DW's guilty parenting means that any punishment barely last two days before she decides to release the reigns. So all SS has to do is to act all sweet and nice for two days before DW becomes the weakest link. It doesn't take long for SS to relapse. DW has high hopes that the next report card is going to show some improvement. I laughed and told her that SHE is the one now with ridiculously high expectations.
I agree that 5 weeks is too
I agree that 5 weeks is too long, but the inconsistancy is annoying! Who knew there was fine print to being punished for something. There shouldn't be a convience clause to the punished agreement.
Same here Ladyface. When I
Same here Ladyface. When I was grounded, I was REALLY grounded. 5 weeks didn't go by without either Mom or Dad constantely berating me for beig such a huge dissappointment. My Mom didn't show an ONCE of guilt. I tried (foolishly) to try and get a reprieve from her for being good during those five weeks. All it took was my Mom to look at me with an angry glare and say "You were being so good up until now. Why do you want to make me mad!?" That was it! I never dared broach the subject again. SS has DW wrapped around his finger, all it takes is a *sigh* from him and DW falls to pieces.
Exactly! When I was a teen
Exactly! When I was a teen (specifically my late teens), I hated my Mom and Dad and I swore I would never become like them. When I tell my DW of some of the things my folks did she doesn't believe me (largely because my parents are FAAAAAAR different people now than back then). Ultimately though, as I grew up I came to understand why they did what they did. I still disagree with some of the things he did, but I understand it more now and ultimately, I am extremely grateful for everything my folks did.
I've taken away electronics
I've taken away electronics for extended periods of time. I think 3 weeks was the longest with no cell, no Xbox, no iPod, no computer and no leaving the house.
He did something MAJOR to get a punishment like that. I'm not ever really that extreme.
When he's punished, he tries to make my life miserable, he mopes around the house, gets over cuddly, want's to be up my ass all day. It's actually quite funny to watch him try and break me down.
I won't lie, sometimes it works. :?
>But isn't the real objective
>But isn't the real objective to keep him from failing?<
All of SS's teachers have said the same thing. "SS is bright kid but he is content to do just the bare minimum to get by". So our goal here is to ultimately get SS to put in his best effort and - yes - to not fail. Because really, SS has no good reason to fail/drop out of high school.
My DH is the king of bullshit
My DH is the king of bullshit "consequences" for the ss's and it drives me up a freaking wall.. Taking away an Ipod when they have an ipad, iphone, ps3, a tv and a dsi to go to instead isn't punishment - it's a minor inconvenience.
These kids learn nothing and are not punished for the crap they do.. ever.
He doesn't believe in grounding or long term consequences.. they need to be "immediate" so they can learn and get over them.. whatever. Sure, for a toddler this may apply - not for 12 and 15 year olds.
Well that is exactly how SS
Well that is exactly how SS views these punishments. They are a minor inconvenience and nothing more. The day after DW screamed at him and told him he was punished, he asked if he could go to the movie theater with a friend after school. DW said "Oh no honey, it's not a good idea."
I was like :jawdrop:
If it were me, I would be "How dare you even ask!?" and repeat the earfull DW gave him the night before. In fact, SS should be getting an earfull every single damn day as far as I am concerned.
Yeah I know how it sounds
Yeah I know how it sounds (spinning wheels and all). There are days where I can't even look at SS because the only thing that goes through my mind are negative thoughts. There are few (very few) moments where I feel that my actions do have some impact but my biggest fear is for the future. I already told DW that if SS has to go to summer school, we are going on summer vacation without him. DW says she won't do that. So - what? - our family has to commit fission this summer because one kid decided it was a better idea to slack off in school than apply himself!?
>Yea how do you deal with it
>Yea how do you deal with it so well???? Is there ever a point at with you just want to give up and just raise your kids only and not your SS.<
Gosh, I wouldn't say I am dealing with it "well". I guess writing about it on here helps me (writing is very therapeutic for me). I also make no qualms about hiding my "disgust" when situations like this arise. DW picks up on it and she comes to me asking what is wrong and I tell her straight out. DW and I may not be the best of parents but we keep talking/pushing each other to do the right thing because ultimately, we both want what is best for all our kids.
>They have not forgotten that
>They have not forgotten that punishment & are apt to think more before breaking the rules again.<
Can you come to my house and EXPLAIN this concept to DW!?!? Please!?!? I'll cook for you! I'll do your laundry! I'LL DO ANYTHING!!!!
DW just doesn't get this point AT. ALL. She thinks SS will do well to avoid negative consequences. I know SS better than that.
SS. Just. Doesn't. Care.
It's like the idiots who you see speeding on the highway. Sure if they get caught, they get a ticket. But it's no biggie. Just pay the fine and off they go speeding again. It doesn't phase them at all. SS is exactlly like that. "If I get caught, I'll just be inconvenienced for a little while." In order for the punishment to have any kind of impact, you have to put the almighty FEAR OF GOD into the kid! That's what worked for me, my friends and every other kid I knew!
If he does, I'll send his SM
If he does, I'll send his SM an anonymous email with a link to this site attached! }:)
mine are RELENTLESS. with
mine are RELENTLESS. with EV-ER-Y-THING.
my dh has even admitted that he'll "talk to 'em'" JUST cuz it's easier than following thru with any sort of consequences. ugh. he doesnt understand that they'll just tune him out and do it again anyway cuz talking at them does not teach them anything except the fact that they dont *have* to listen.
aaarrggghhh....
PS- my worst grounding was 6 months. needless to say, i did NOT repeat the behavior that brought that upon myself.
I've been thinking this over
I've been thinking this over (a lot actually) and I am beginning to see what you are saying. I am definetly stuck in a pattern. I demand consequences and DW agrees (at first). Her guilt overides her but she tries to make sense of it (i.e. "but it's the holidays and SS has been so good lately"). I shake my head, or I get mad. On the off chance that DW stands firm and ensures that the punishment is kept in place, she does so only to keep me happy (not for SS's benefit).
I think - and my opinion may change once I get SS's next report card - the better approach for me would be to look over SS's report card, shrug my shoulders and ask DW "What do you want me to do?". DW is going to make all the suggestions. she's going to talk big. She's going to suggest "real" consequences this time. I'll just sit and listen. When she's finished I'm going to be like Paul Sorvino in Goodfellas. I'm going to give DW $300 to hire a tutor and then I'm going to say "Now I gotta turn my back."
Seems to me you keep handing
Seems to me you keep handing out the same punishments expecting different results. Even if she followed through on all these punishments chances are nothing would change. This kid is almost a freshman in hs, it is time change up your punishment routine