does bm usually follow through??? if not send in the cookies so the poor kid has something on his birthday. could you call bm and ask her? If your dh says send them I guess I would send them.
Having more than one treat is better than bm not sending anything while you think she is and him having nothing. just my opinion

If DH thinks she won't follow through, she probably won't. Besides it is his birthday and you are doing it for HIM. Her approval is not necessary for you to do good will toward him. Besides, if she does follow through and you have sent some too, then he will just have more to share. Nothing at all wrong with that.
I would call the school before you bake any though. Our school system requires them to be store bought...they don't allow any sort of homemade items ever...for the children's safety.

"One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." ~Moliere

If you stay focused on what you believe to be in the best interest of the Skid you will never have to second guess whether or not your are doing the right thing.

Don't worry about BM's feelings, desires, opinions or anything else for that matter. We have focused on what we felt was in the best interest of our Son (My SS) for more than 15yrs now. He is developing in to a truly incredible young man who I am confident will be a Man of standing in his community.

His BioDad and the SpermClan will have little influence on his life other than at the occassional family get together where they will do what they always do...... Lament the life his Mom and I have worked hard to provide and the opportunities that our focus on education, character and performance has given us and our Son. To them we are just rich idiots and he is a spoiled over indulged brat. Not that they can understand the slightly elevated order of English I just typed. We are far from rich but to a SpermClan of Toothless Morons we probably look like the Rockefellers or the Kennedys.

So, in a nutshell, my opinion is make the cookies, enjoy that you are a caring integral part of your SS's life and ......... Screw BioMom (figuratively of course).

Have fun.

Just my perspective.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

i am a bm and sm. as a bm I would call and make sure you and dh knew I was sending in the birthday treat if it bothered me that much.

You already said to your SS that you would, and he is excited that you are doing it. That's all you need to know. The BM's opinion is not important in that respect -- you are doing something for HIM.

Now, it would be different if you were, say, taking him to an acupuncturist or something when he had never been to one before. But what you are doing in no way harms him and is only a benefit for him. Not that I think acupuncture is harmful -- but I use that as an example of something that a mom who wasn't familiar with it might not be comfortable with.

I agree with Rags: do what is best for your SS and don't worry about BM unless you would be legitimately stepping on her parental authority by not consulting her. Cookies don't fall into that category!

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

I brought my SS6 his class drinks and cup cakes, bm has NOTHING to do with him unless it's convenient for her, beyond Sunday visits, never!
My ss6 was thrilled to death and proud! He's like " yeah that's my mom!" it was awesome!
To see a child light up like that over cupcakes and juice is priceless!

Do what u feel in ur heart, don't hold back cuz of bm, especially if they are not a positive model for the child.

I do and BM does get mad. But I have becuz SD asks me to. If you are worried I would have FH send BM a text.

I think you should send them. I always send treats for my skids on their birthdays and holidays...IF they're going to school from my house the next day. The BM is always "too busy" to do it (apparently, she is so overwhelmed with work. This is the same woman that until 3 years ago never held a job for more thant 3 weeks at a time). BM will throw a fit and sometimes say, "well there's no point in me sending anything if 'your wife' is going to". That answer just makes me smile because I'm sending treats in for the kids and its a bonus that it annoys her!! I don't send treats if we don't have them the night before though, only if my husband or I take them to school that day.